New with questions

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Quandary

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New with questions
« on: April 02, 2015, 07:49:00 PM »
I have been a safe house for 3 months for a young man getting ready to graduate high school.  Wonderful, bright, terrific kid, scholmate of my kid, who asked for a safe place so he could finish school.  Slowly learning of the emotional and physical abuse at home.  10 children, all internationally adopted, kept for what I can only understand for welfare purpose.  They are not allowed friends, work 40 hrs week, attend school, give all money to mother.  Father killed himself six years ago.  J is blamed for death, as he was 'last to see him'.  Older brother abuses him physically, with M's approval.  Sound like a crazy novel?  I wish.  Anyway, I am hoping (praying) to get this kid into a college.  So far, so good.  But right now (Easter) he is so depressed that he wants to go home.  He asked to visit for Easter and was told no, unless he comes home to stay.  Other sibs have left, but always end up home again due to finances/ pressure/bad situations.  No one is allowed to ever leave this M...ever.  Controlling doesn't begin to describe it.  He is almost 19.  Any words of wisdom for him or me?  I don't want to be another controlling person in his life, but, omg, he is worth so much more than this.

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C.

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Re: New with questions
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2015, 08:35:49 PM »
Wow, that is incredibly sad and unfair, what this young man has experienced.  And how wonderful that you've been a safe home for him.  I think connecting him with as much support as possible and he'd like is very important.  Therapy, online forums, support group(s), Faith community, friends, and social service programs.  Also, educating yourself about NPD (narcissism), abuse and those who are affected.  It's quite normal that he'd want to go back.  Your intuition to not be another controlling force in his life seems spot on too.  But he is young so with support and knowledge he will get through this irregardless of what decision he makes about Easter right now.  One of my closest high school friends had to live in friend's/teacher's homes her last year of high school.  I know that it had a very positive long term impact for her.  Also getting support for yourself and your family since it's painful to see a friend suffer so, like reaching out to this forum.

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Tryingtohelp

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Re: New with questions
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2015, 01:56:02 AM »
It is a privilege to assist such a wonderful young kid, but I am so afraid of saying/doing the wrong thing.  The Internet was a great source of advice when I adopted my youngest.  I hope to find advice here, too.  He is currently exhibiting physical symptoms that concern me.  Headaches, severe nausea, dizziness, etc.  Once a panic attack forced him to leave school.  The doctor says its a virus, but I think it looks like anxiety overload.  Anything help these symptoms?  The anti-nausea pills the doctor gave him are causing dizzy spells. 

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C.

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Re: New with questions
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2015, 03:55:14 AM »
Yes, it sounds like anxiety.  I'm surprised the doctor didn't pick up on that if that's the case...What you're doing is kind, and it's big.  Your description of his trauma sounds quite severe.  Is he open to talking with a skillful counselor and being completely honest with a medical provider about what he's been through?  To truly heal he'll need therapy, support, possibly medication...I'm just starting to understand that empathy, validation and trust are crucial messages for someone whose experienced emotional trauma to hear frequently so hearing those things from you will help.  But, as the anxiety attacks (emotional flashbacks) occur they can become quite debilitating.  It's important that he get help before things get worse as they could begin to greatly affect his ability to function in everyday life, at school, etc.  He is young and already has the support of at least one person (you) so I believe that things will get better for him.  The holidays are difficult for a lot of people.  Memories, good and bad, can create a lot of stress and anxiety for those who've experienced trauma.  Helping him understand that his is a "normal" response to an abnormal experience (the abuse).  I hope this helps and that you keep reaching out with questions and for more information.  There is a lot on this web site about cptsd as well as the web site of Dr. Pete Walker.

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Quandary

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Re: New with questions
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2015, 05:07:48 PM »
Thank you, BeHealthy.  That was my decision, too.  He seems to be accepting his mother's refusal to let him visit. He was, however, told to give his paycheck and monthly SS check directly to a brother within 24 hours.  And was not permitted to accept a ride from me to the bank, or to brother's place of business...dispite her awareness that he has been sick for days, it is raining, and the walk is several miles.  It kills me, but I have to honor his journey. These sites have been so helpful to me.  I was, and continue to be,horrified at his willingness to accept what is clearly abuse from almost the entire family. But I am beginning to have a (limited) understanding now, of his reactions. 
The really good news is that he was accepted into college yesterday.  He was scared, thrilled and amazed.  Currently, he says he wants to go.  So we will try to cobble the necessary missing paperwork.  We have no birth certificate, citizenship paperwork, etc..  She will not give him anything.  He needs them for financial aid.  I am going to start with trying to find the county that has his adoption papers.  He, of course, has no idea.  Any suggestions, gratefully received.

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C.

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Re: New with questions
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2015, 07:55:31 PM »
Great ideas and input from BeHealthy.  It sounds to me like you are really right on track w/your responses and actions.  I've found that others sometimes become surprisingly supportive in the face of abuse.  So getting the adoption papers and letting those who need to know a "why" as to the reason other paperwork will not become available, is enough.  Simply stay the course and keep doing and being the wonderful supportive adult in his life that you are. :applause: