Where do I belong?

[LilFace]

Hi All

I think I belong in the "developed CPTSD as a child" forum, though I'm an adult. In fact I have kids who are adults. Yet inside I'm still a hurt kid. Tho not always.

I grew up in a home with good parents, but they were angry. My father had a severe physical handicap (in his legs) and took a lot of abuse growing up. My mother's father tried to pay him to keep away from his daughter. Late in her life my mother conceded that they both had anger issues. As do I .  They had their first child, me, and found him to be out of control, by about age 10-11. They didn't know how to cope with me and so I received beatings. I won't go into detail so as not to trigger anyone, but these were not spankings. And the words were worse. I got into alcohol, drugs and ... well, here again, I won't go into detail but I didnt think well of myself and treated myself poorly.

I got clean and sober a bit over 25 years ago (still am) found a good marriage, did my best to heal things in my family. And much of that went well — as well as it could have gone. My first son was born in 1990. Though my father and I had a civil relationship by then, he didn't congratulate me in the hospital. He said "now you're gonna see." I have come to realize that the pain between us was very painful for him. And some of my difficulties were (I believe) caused by the way I'm wired - genetics, while the physical abuse, and the words — which were worse — also caused some of my difficulties. I have 2 grown sons today and a good marriage. But I STILL get triggered when people are patronizing or condescending or start sentences with "maybe you want to..". also when people are cruel. In fact, I sometimes think people are cruel even when they aren't. Today my younger son was stressed and answered a question from me by saying "that's not really your business," and I was SO hurt, I kicked a garbage can. I know this kind of outsized pain isn't normal. And when these things happen, I think not very good things about myself, though I do have tools to deal with the feelings — particularly spirituality. I'm thinking of getting a dog for the unconditional love. I kind of need it. Ugh.

[Not Alone]

LilFace, I feel sad for the pain you have and continue to experience. Welcome to OOTS. 

[LilFace]

Thank you, notalone.

[OceanStar]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us here.
I feel for you and the hurt kid inside you.
I hope you can find some comfort here.

[LilFace]

Thank you. You are exactly right. I do my best to re parent myself. It helps that I am a musician and writer but when those relationships don't go well, it can be triggering. Sometimes I just have to turn to the art, and step away from the triggering person.

[marta1234]

Lily, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Hope you find comfort here.
Welcome 

[Snowdrop]

Hi Lilface.

I'm sorry you went through that, and your current pain. You are welcome here.