Everything is falling apart

[Sasha]

My partner wanted time to himself. This triggered me. I have neglect and abandonment trauma from childhood. The trauma response was and still is strong.

I tried to deal with it and focus on the present world, that my partner needs time for his own mental health, but a day extra got added on to our time apart when I wasn't expecting it.

I feel like I have fallen into a severe depression and ongoing trauma response state. I can't feel warmth or love. I feel everything has ended, is ending and it's just happening in slow motion.

My partner is frustrated and hurt, because I can't recognise him. He keeps telling me that what I am experiencing isn't real, that 'everything is ok' and I feel angrier and angrier, and like I'm going insane, because it feels real to me. I feel like he is gone, like he left me, and I feel dead inside.

I can't stop crying and I haven't been looking after myself very well this week. I feel frightened and out of control. I also can't advise my partner what to do at the moment. I feel very lost.

[Sasha]

Last night I cried a lot (again) and felt so out of control, very bad, and my partner also cried. It is frightening to feel so bad but also very scary to see the pain and frustration that my partner is feeling. I feel like we are both being attacked, however I realise that for him it seems like it is simply me attacking him, and picking up on everything he is doing 'wrong'. I know that it is not my true self, it is my frightened survival traumatised self.

Hyper vigilance has been out of control for me this week, and my outer and inner critic have been on full volume. It has hurt me and my partner. The toxic shame is huge. I haven't been able to look at myself properly in the mirror for most of the week and the stream of negativity in my head had been relentless. All because my partner wanted some time to himself. It's just so awful that I've reacted like this. I don't always do this, I think it's a lot worse as I am going into very deep areas with my therapist and I feel quite consumed by it all, as if the past is everything. This has happened before, similarly set off by an abandonment trigger. It feels like the deepest biggest one with the worse trauma response, and it is the hardest to pull back from once in motion.

Earlier I remembered something people have said on here, about how it is important to find ways to soothe when overwhelmed. I'm really struggling with this, and haven't been able to find much solice this week. Nonetheless even remembering this being said helped me get some distance and I felt calmer. If anyone has any gutter suggestions on this I'd be grateful.

I have spoken to my partner breaking up this week and have been ruminating about the relationship ending, stuck in critic mode, and feeling absolutely devastated at the imagined loss of our relationship, brought on due to wild and powerful feelings of abandonment and emotional flashbacks.

And yet, even after this week he woke me today with kisses and hugs. I still can't feel the level of emotion I would like to, but I am so grateful that he still cares and is still here. Today I sincerely apologised to him because the emotional rollercoaster of this week has hurt him. Regardless of whether it's my fault or not, I am upset and not happy to see that he is hurting as a result of all this. He is a huge support for me and is very patient and caring, and I have been unable to connect with him or see the truth of who he is this week. I wish it wasn't like this, as this has caused us both pain, and has also increased my fear because our connection has become so fraught.

I still feel vulnerable but am glad to have more clarity and calmness arriving. I do want to find a way to say thank you for his love and his kindness as it means so much to me. But also still feel quite shaken up by this week and scared to get rebuffed as he's quite tired and overwhelmed. I think I just need to focus on stabilising more than anything atm.

[Not Alone]

Sasha,

I hear how intensely you are feeling things right now. Those issues of abandonment are so incredible destabilizing.  I have been in that place of feeling like I was spiraling down into a never ending crevice because of abandonment feelings.

I'm wondering if it would be helpful to bring your partner to a therapy session so that you T could explain to him what is happening to you. It might help him if he heard about it from a trained professional.

As far as trying to soothe yourself, it doesn't make all the bad feelings go away, but hopefully brings the intensity down a notch or two. Suggestions: cup of tea or coffee, stuffed animal, soft blanket, safe T.V., a walk. Also see link for more ideas:

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog

[Sasha]

Thank you for your reply and for sharing your thoughts and ideas.

I can still feel myself in it. Nervous and on edge, although feeling a bit better, but very wary that my partner is coming home from his late shift soon and I am worried about something setting it all off again. I will try to stay grounded but feel so sensitive at the moment. To everything.

He has said he would like to come to therapy with me, however I feel a bit unsure about this as this is the first time I've built a safe space with a therapist and if I'm totally honest I'm scared to bring anything that I can't control into that space right now. I'm worried to feel like a specimen, and feel fear that I won't know how to handle experiencing the discussions between my partner and therapist about me and my experiences. I already feel ganged you on and I've not even done it. Bad feelings. Might be exacerbated due to my current state of mind.

The link is so full of great suggestions, thank you. I'm also unwell with flu this week so that's probably impacting my capacity. I'm going to do some cooking in a minute, to make something nice for me and my loved one. I feel apprehensive about cooking, especially about possibly relaxing and then something triggering me again. I'm finding if he doesn't pay me attention I feel triggered, but if he does I feel disconnected. Feel like we can't win at the moment 

[dreamriver]

Hi Sasha - how have things been since then? Especially considering global stuff. We're all cooped up with loved ones these days and it can be hard.

I ripped into my partner this week for lightly gaslighting me...it was confusing. Quarantine has made things so much more intense. Everything in my body flips a switch to tell me I'm in a wrong situation, that I might be under someones thumb. Then it will suddenly flip back off and I'm normal again, I see my partner as loving and caring and he just made a mistake... I can't discern it from real abuse. Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde.

Just hope you're doing well. And if your partner is still with you and not wanting to abandon you fully, it means they still love you and want to be there and they see through it.  I think we just need to be gentle with ourselves and take things one day at a time...