Alone is truth. Loneliness, a lie.

[Sasha]

I have been circling around and around. I have wanted others to feel the way I feel, since I was very young. I didn't want my life, I wanted to be someone else. As a young child I wanted to be rescued. I knew it was wrong, and it never went away. No-one came.

But someone did come. I did. All the time, I came and I showed up. I advocated for myself throughout childhood, I kept myself as safe as I could and I made good friends, and developed bonds with great people that helped me and who I am still good friends with. Through all the pain and trauma and hurt I battled to be a good person, and I chose paths that aligned with my truth. I am proud to have worked personally and professionally to help others. I still do.

Boundaries and needs that I could never hear have now been identified and found, unearthed and built through reading, learning, talking, seeking help, having faith and following the belief that things can be better. I went to libraries and sat reading through psychology books. I decided to pay for therapy. I joined this forum. I moved to a new place and made myself a home with animals who love me and who I love, with plants and safety and comfort.

I tried my very best, at every turn, and I still do. Despite setbacks and more pain, I have worked again and again to find resolve. I am resilient and it is paying off. Sitting here now I feel safe in my own presence. I hold all of this and I want to be who I am. There is still regular pain, and it frightens me, but I feel so proud of who I am and how I handle this.

Years ago in a haze of trauma response with so many tears I could barely see to walk down the road, I took a left turn into a tattoo shop. I knew that I could no longer carry on worshipping the bold bright functioning self and despising the scared traumatised self, and I marked it on my body that my strengths and my weaknesses are equal, they both need my love. The strong in me must help the weak in me. I have two love hearts tattoed, one on each wrist.

I realised my inner child. I committed to loving her and I will never break that commitment. She is beautiful and she is so worthy of my love. She is my child, my responsibility. I will never abandon her. I will show up for her forever and ever and ever. She is the centre of my world. I will play with her and listen to what she needs, I will make it so she can rest. She will know that I have her, always have, always will.

Where I have sought the parents I never had in friends, lovers, partners, I now allow myself to grieve. I have provided the safety for me to do so. This is the truth. This is the aloneness that was real, that often feels so painful, and this is my work. I will not give this to anyone to fix or solve, or rescue. I will hold this, for my child, I will direct towards the truth and not look to others to become something that cannot be.

When I feel abandoned and swallowed in lonely dispair I will come for me again, I will show up. Every time. I will for eternity soothe the loneliness and pain. I always have had and always will have my self. My loving, strong, resilient, resourceful, brave, kind, truthful, wise self. 

Thank you for reading 

[woodsgnome]

What you've pointed to, Sasha, might run counter to the usual misunderstandings about this. To many, being alone is by itself an indicator of loneliness, a failure in many eyes. It can resemble it, but to me it's never quite been the same, for all the reasons you indicate.

Yes, there's probably pure loneliness. Especially if that refers strictly to social appearances, but there is one's inner self, inner child, or any of those other names that many trauma survivors seem to have come to know. Sometimes that's a reluctant discovery, but we also can learn how to use what might be called loneliness as a window into finding one's essential being, as it were.

Perhaps it just comes down to looking at this in a different light. Yes, of course some patterns in our lives can look mighty lonely at times. Sometimes we try not to be lonely, but can't seem to get past the fears that block us. Still we have that inner strength you hinted at, and then it comes to the fore.

It can take some work, but It's that self-discovery that we may not have found in the social interactions we sought, until our inner spirit can come forth anyway.

Alone? It might look that way. Maybe solitary is a better word? Loneliness can seem defeatist; whereas solitude seems more fitting; it's more just a lifestyle choice, not a failure. As solitaries we're not defeated, just finding another way, developing an inner strength -- solitary but, having found our inner selves, not truly lonely. it's just a way we've found enabling us to live better, and from our hearts.

What you said in conclusion is a strong reaffirmation of this:  "I always have had and always will have my self. My loving, strong, resilient, resourceful, brave, kind, truthful, wise self." Well said, and applicable to all of us. Thanks!