What to do when my best seems never enough, and I just want to give up?

[LucySnowe]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this and not sure I'm doing it right. I tend to write a lot. I'll try to keep this somewhat brief (that didn't work out  ).

I just upended my life—or what little, unstable life I had begun to establish in a new place, where after a few months it wasn't working out—and impulsively drove across the country to start again somewhere else, in a climate where I hoped my physical illness would be better supported. But part of that move also had to do with things falling apart in the 12-step group I'd begun attending in that other town, and the job I'd started there. Truly, though, I was unable to find safe housing for my environmental condition and had ended up living in my car, so it felt like there was little left to lose in relocating.

So now I'm on the road (and on the run) again, and feel I've lost the support and understanding of two close allies, on whose support and friendship I had been relying. And now I'm having suicide ideation again. I don't think it's anything serious—I've never been willing or able to actually hurt myself, and don't believe that (serious ideation) is a feature of my particular disorder. But it definitely feels like life doesn't work for me: I'm exhausted, depleted, in pain, and without connections or prospects. I'm heading today to a new town where I don't know anyone, don't have a job or place to stay, and now, with the recent loss of these two allies, feel quite hopeless and discouraged about making a new start. I had been hopeful, but now it feels like I'm just back in the same old place. 

And this is what I'm struggling with most of all—I've made such an extraordinary effort over my lifetime to get well. I've devoted all my energy and resources to it. Since I was 18 and even before, I examined and tried to improve myself, threw myself into therapy, tried different modalities including DBT and somatic therapy and group therapy, lived at a residential Zen center and tried unsuccessfully to maintain a personal practice after that, looked for community living situations, addressed my addiction tendencies with 12-step, worked very hard on my friendships, etc., etc. Some things have been much harder for me to do than others—like exercise, or any kind of formal practice that I have to self-motivate for (other than journaling). But I have pushed myself to the full extent of my capacity.

And here I am; 37, starting over again, alone, in struggle. I'm so tired. There seem so few resources, so little understanding, for people like us. It does seem like it's getting better out there—I found a book on cptsd, the first description of a disorder that properly fits me and encompasses my life experience, and I've found this forum. But I am so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I honestly don't know how I keep going. I've had to largely cut off family connections due to their harm and unhelpfulness, and so I really have nothing right now. And this is what I'm left with—after a lifetime of heroic effort, which others can only struggle to see.

I need help and care and it's not there. I want to give up, but there's no real way to do that (as I am not actually suicidal; though—trigger warning—I honestly sometimes wish that I was; wish that I could leave this life). So what to do?

I pray to God (my stand-in word for the universe/cosmos/force of compassion and wisdom). That is something. I've been trying to practice more self-compassion. That is something also.

What do you all do? Does anyone relate to this?   

[LucySnowe]

I wanted to add that I already feel better and more hopeful, just having had a place to tell the truth. I hope it will be helpful, and not harmful, for others.

[woodsgnome]

While it hurts to read of your troubles, the upside -- which you recognize -- is that you were at least able to reach out within this forum.

Here at least you've landed with others who've experienced much of your pain. Still there's the overall hardship of trying to find hope that things will improve.

I have gotten better in some respects, but not in all (and I've learned not to be so harsh on myself for that). There's 2 hurts that remain huge -- frustration and wanting to just give up. I'm saddened but also surprised at this. One thing I've found is that the surprises can sometimes be a boost, not something that will necessarily do me in.

Here's one easy surprise I found that you've also discovered -- that there ARE people who've been through the wringer and somehow survived; can perhaps even begin to share some with others who understand even if they're still unsure of what works, doesn't, and where to find help. It is, as you say, extremely tiring, though -- but there might be some kernel of hope even there.

Back to basics, though -- for me, there have been a ton of things blocking me, thwarting and discouraging me  . I've noticed a funny thing, however -- there HAVE been surprises that have cropped up (not as often or as fast as I'd like). Finding this forum, as you mentioned, was one. I too had given up on therapy, then found someone who's been very valuable in adjusting my inner vision, as it were, and make me feel somewhat in tune with myself.

Not always do these surprises seem to pan out in my favour, yet enough times they have to where I don't crumble totally. Hard to explain but like you've discovered, it helps to at least write some about it.

I'm no longer sure it's even about consciously giving up, but mostly allowing myself the freedom to see, wonder, and hope against hope that there might be more surprises in store that could lead to something that will truly help. Giving up is more my nature, but even there I've been surprised in the past, in good ways close to shocking me.

So much more I could say (I can get wordy like you; mine stems from a fear that I always felt misunderstood, etc). Instead I'll leave it at this -- it's a major step you've taken just to share a bit of your story here; whether hopeless or not, you're somehow plodding along. While actively seeking a better path hasn't always worked and is tiring, the 'hope against hope' is that even if things seem out of sorts, even they may be pointers that can, in surprising ways, help you find relief and the ability to just be. The 'just be' part was also a huge factor for me, even though at first it just looks like giving up -- so somewhere along the way I found some slight way to accept at least parts and then go from there.

I hope this makes some sense. I hope you're alright with this heartfelt 

[Not Alone]

LucySnowe,
I don't have any wise words to share. I just want you to know that I read your post and you have been heard.

[sanmagic7]

   hi and welcome,

yes, i've been there - i uprooted my life when i was 53, moved to another country.  too tired to think straight.  the only thing i could do was take one step, then another - even the smallest of steps count.  you reached out here, and i'm glad of that.  this place has given me support and hope several times when i believed i couldn't go on.

please know that you are heard here, we can relate, and we are here for you.  sending love and  a hug filled with caring and compassion, if that's ok with you.

[saylor]

Dear Lucy,
Hello, and welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us and I hope that our community can nurture you, as you feel so alone right now. You asked if we can relate. My answer: yes. You asked what do we do about it. My answer: I'm still trying to figure that out.

It sounds like you've been making radical changes in your life (locale, job) in the hopes of finding a better fit and a happier life. I have tried that too, to some degree. So far, none of my radical changes have helped. I wish I could offer advice, but I don't have anything proven to offer. I did, however, want to chime in on some of the ways I relate to your struggle. I, too, am tired. I'm not suicidal in any acute way, but I have to admit (and this is something I'm hesitant to share), I really hate life. I have hated life for decades and it just seems to get worse. The further along I move in my trauma processing, the more hopeless I seem to get. For me personally, there seems to be no point to living. It feels like I'm just a zombie anymore, avoiding death not because I find life worthwhile, but because I fear the process of dying. I'm practicing radical honesty here (I hope that's ok—I don't want to set off alarms, but it sounded like it would help you to feel less alone in this)

The other thing that I wanted to mention is, I'm wondering whether you are experiencing something known as dissociative fugue. I have read a little about it and, although I'm not sure I understand it very well (and, disclaimer, I'm not a MH professional, and I'm definitely not trying to diagnose you). It's just that, when you describe picking up and moving to another place somewhat spontaneously (if I understand correctly?), and that this seems to be a pattern, I believe that that's a characteristic of dissociative fugue. However, I think it also entails changing your identity and forgetting who you were before, and it's not clear that that applies to your situation. Anyway, I may be completely off base (and if so, please ignore), but I mention it in case it could apply and maybe somehow be helpful. I have read way too much about traumatic stress and its sequelae, and the wheels are always turning.

I hope that talking to us make you feel less alone. Isolation and difficulty connecting with other humans can be a huge part of what we experience with CPTSD. I think this community is helping me get through life right now, and I hope it can do the same for you. Please accept a caring hug, if that feels right for you 

[LucySnowe]

Thank you so much for all your replies. They were indeed very helpful, and made me feel less alone on this otherwise lonely night.

Woodsgnome, I appreciated this: "I'm no longer sure it's even about consciously giving up, but mostly allowing myself the freedom to see, wonder, and hope against hope that there might be more surprises in store that could lead to something that will truly help. Giving up is more my nature, but even there I've been surprised in the past, in good ways close to shocking me."

It reminded me that I too have experienced what is actually a significant increase in self-acceptance; in my ability to be present and wonder, and investigate curiously rather than accusingly/punitively; and in my ability to remember that things do change and are changing, and that I can and have been surprised in the past and may be again. And these are HUGE things for me! Thank you for reminding me! My old brain patterns, and lack of recognition from the world at large, cause me to forget how much progress I have made and am making.

Notalone, thank you for listening and being there. 

Sanmagic7, I appreciated your share and it reminded me that just the other night, I was rereading a favorite novel in which the heroine makes a drastic move to a new place with few resources, and things work out unexpectedly; and that that pleasantly surprised (as I'd forgotten that part of the story) and comforted me. 

And saylor, I relate to what you shared, and appreciate the information you offered as well; that is something for me to look into, it is a pattern I have. And I do often feel the way you described/related

What all of these responses are helping me remember of my own experience, is that it's not all the time, and much less than it used to be. That's a relative measure, but still—I have a kind of amnesia when things are hard, and everything goes to black; I tend to forget the small (also HUGE!) and important things that are distinctly not the blackness. Because it did used to be like all the time. And it's not now. Thank you all for helping me restore balance and perspective during this hard time.

[LucySnowe]

I just wanted to say that I was sorry to have misplaced this post in the Disturbed Relationships area; initially I was feeling distressed by the apparent loss of connection and relationships during my hard time, which is a recurring pattern for me. But I realize I also should have included a trigger warning.

I'm learning more about my suicide ideation, and have learned in my body to not take it so seriously. In my case it's a repeating thought/experience pattern but never one that has led to action; what I've read is termed "passive suicidality." It's a kind of emotional coping mechanism, I guess, and I suppose also a natural part of emotional flashbacks.

In any case, I'm learning—somehow—to have more faith and hope, and to believe that things may work out even when I don't know how. It is still true that life is and has long been very difficult for me and that I would like that to stop, and so there are times when I fantasize about having an "out," because it—something like contemplating dying painlessly in my sleep through an act of God, for example—allows me to imagine the pain stopping. I wonder if anyone else can identify?

[woodsgnome]

*TW* --brief sensitive mention of suicidal ideation.

I can identify with the feelings you describe, LucySnowe. I've also been in, out, and around the same territory with ideations of finding the exit, which always starts with the promise of relief but -- for better or worse -- has been diverted from becoming reality.

One of my own realizations about my experiences has been that every time the ideation/fantasy came into view, I wasn't really searching for an end to pain, but begging for a way to live -- as myself, with myself, my past, the accumulated hurts, with others -- all of that and more. I felt trapped in a world I couldn't understand.

Something I've also realized is that, once I'd passed the truly horrible years, I kind of did separate my life into a sort of multi-plex theatre. This was inspired by a similar analogy I read once wherein an author relates how the old mind-movie is no longer running; that screen has gone dark, and the new story is being developed.

Looking back now, I guess I did do just that -- at one point I changed my name, moved away geographically, and fell into a creative vocation which helped me turn (at least temporarily) from the direction of the 'first' life.

While there's a lot of bad vibes ringing from the old story, if I allow myself to open to the new world, I can appreciate that my begging for life is what continues to keep me en route to places of which I (or anyone) cannot be sure, but somehow I'll survive -- I've done it before.