Management harassment and emotional flashback

[brightlight]

Hi guys and girls and everyone,

I am struggling to move on from harassment in my workplace by two people, my manager ignored this and then joined in with it himself. He tried to blame me which is what is most upsetting for me. I am so upset about this when the last time I saw him was 7 months ago now. I am still crying like a blubbering wreck. He waited 'til 30 mins before I left on my last day and blamed me and accused me of derogatory comment I never said. I feel he cut me off from having a leaving night due to his behaviour and accessing further help from the team as I don't trust him after how he treated me.

I am in the same job but a different office and he and my other ex manager phone all the time about staffing etc. They have a good relationship with some other people in my team (who are all fine - phew) and it makes me feel even worse. I know the problem was him but I just wish it had been different. My health could have improved had he been more supportive and I feel I could have tried to trust more and make connections.

I have asked myself if this is reminding me of something else from my past and all I can think about is when I finally told about my dad abusing me and it was a sudden cut off and the shame this entailed due to 'everyone knowing' and my mothers bf calling me a prostitute. I felt alienated and wanted to explain to my dad I didn't want to hurt him or get him into trouble. Not being in touch with him massively impacted on me as my mum's bf was an angry alcoholic who emotionally abused me as the worse possible time in my life. 

[dreamriver]

Hi brightlight. I'm sorry you went through this. It does sound a lot like your work situation echoes the past and feelings of helplessness against a really unfair consensus of people (who obviously don't get it or get you - which is a loss for them!).

That doesn't sound fun at all to feel like everyone at your ex-office ganged up on you to make you feel a certain way! Especially when they just tried to make it seem like it was all your fault that you were leaving in the first place. That's extremely triggering, and I'd definitely get triggered too. It's unhealthy behavior that is not self-aware at all, and it's very rare that situations are all one person's fault like they're trying to make it seem to you.

It seems like you escaped and survived a very unhealthy group dynamic moving to a new office, let alone one that reminded you of your past. And that's actually really great! Bravo for you!  it sounds like you made the best decision possible.

I had a sort of similar experience when I was 22. I worked hard at a seasonal job that I was clearly a transient at, cuz that's just part of being young (plus it was a temporary job anyway). I still really, really applied myself, because I'm a hard worker, even tho I'm not naturally good at sales. I still worked harder than other people older than me there, many of them slacked off. But my coworkers and boss hated me for my age and personality and excluded me, and talked behind my back.

The last day everyone had a "party" and received a bonus except me, and right when I was about to enter the party, my boss said flatly "why don't you just run off to your next job at some farm somewhere?" I left immediately and was a mess for weeks afterwards. Even years later it still hits a nerve thinking about those people! It takes me straight back to abuse/negligence in my childhood too, where I also faced unhealthy group/ganging up tactics, I can even feel my blood pressure going up right now...

Anyways, later I found out through some random uninvolved person that they didn't even know why they excluded me actually, there wasn't really a reason. They were bored and needed someone to pick on! Chickens in a coop I guess. They weren't healthy people and I wouldn't have thrived there no matter what.

I hope you start feeling better soon about your decision to leave and the people involved, even if they're still on the fringes. It may take some time but don't beat yourself up about how you feel. One thing that's helped me is to remember I'm safe, here, at home, away from those people (unlike my FOO, who I couldn't get away from for a long time!) I create safe spaces at home for that and that helps.

And despite what other people say, it sounds like it was the perfect decision for you to leave. 

[brightlight]

Hello dreamriver 

Thank you so much for your message.

I am sorry to hear you went through what you did at your seasonal job. I think when you are so much younger than other people, often people resent your youth and or feel they can take advantage due to lack of knowledge or life experience. Its easy for people to say its their problem not yours which is of course the case but it still doesn't stop it from hurting. 

I particularly found the statement your manager made when you turned up to the party to be highly hurtful, offensive and unprofessional "why don't you just run off to your next job at some farm somewhere?" I also Find the comment ignorant as if insinuating someone who works on a farm to be of lower intelligence. I know different countries have different connotations.

I think for me one bad experience, okay that's rubbish but we all have at least one bad experience around a group or certain people be it work etc but if it happens a few times this makes me think it is me and there is something wrong with me personally. I know deep down this is not true and every time something has went wrong it is usually my health (very depressed) etc and people don't understand and their attitude changes towards me.

When bad situations continue to happen, this makes you want to retreat and makes entering any situation much more difficult and harder to trust people  It's a vicious circle - you want connection, trust, friends, relationships but because of even just one or two people in a group behaviour, the impact can be detrimental. 

In a sense the office I am/was (closed due to lockdown) is better, there is none of the exaggerated bullying and harassment or any for that matter but the support is not there from management. I find it odd a senior manager said her subordinate managers are not trained to deal with 'complex emotions' and warned my manager to discuss nothing with me yet when lockdown starts as 'we are all in it together' he's sending emails asking how everyone is 'physically and mentally' Why is mental health so important now because it effects everyone? Slightly off topic-ish but it is to do with trust for me and respect I often don't feel I receive from others. Its the age old anything is only an issue if it effects everyone else.

Its hard to explain my old workplace as I feel there was understanding or attempted at least by staff when I left and I feel my manager has disconnected me from any of this. I just want to belong somewhere.

When bad things happen it also reminds me of other bad situations I've been in either group bullying or individual people targeting or being nasty to me and I feel like I'm the bad person.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Keeping safe is vital and creating positive energy around ourselves is important to help us to think clearly and recover. Kindness breeds kindness. 

[findingpeace2018]

I am so sorry for what you went thru on this job and especially with your family.  It is awful being blamed for things that arent your fault.  I feel the same alot, like if something bad happens, I must be the reason.

I hope you start to feel some peace about this soon.  You did nothing wrong.