Effects of and remembering emotional abuse - Trigger warning D.V, S.A, P.A, E.A

[brightlight]

Is it 'normal' to not remember huge parts or emotional abuse?  I find it so hard for me to put this into words to describe how horrendous it was.

I was 12 going on 13 when this started by my mothers bf, I was already traumatised by witnessing DV and had been S.A and P.A before this. By far though the emotional abuse and emotional neglect was far far worse for me. My mother sided with her bf.

I don't know if it was previous truama, re-traumatisation therefore the brains way of protecting itself from more damage so its easier to forget? Or my developing age, I can't remember huge chunks or the E.A just how it made me feel. And still makes me feel. I remember bits. I can tell bits but can't express how day to life was for me other than *.

It is good and a long time coming but I feel resentful that children are protected from emotional abuse in my country now. I used to pray every night to get taken away from my home life and it never happened. I am glad there is an awareness of E.A and the effects but I just feel its too late for me. I feel a tiny slight is now considered E.A now. 

MY mums bf abuse was OTT, he put the fear of God into me, I was scared to move or speak. He said I was only good for being a prostitute (referring to the S.A by my dad) 'only a mother could love that' referred to me as an 'it' or 'that' '*' I failed at school so I was 'stupid' and he played me and my brother off against each other. I was told not to speak and that my voice was so high. I still feel a bit paranoid about the sound of my voice now (which I've been told sounds normal) 

[Not Alone]

Blocking out parts or all of abuse is how many of us survived. I'm sorry for the pain you have endured.

[woodsgnome]

While certain aspects of emotional trauma stick in our memory vault, there also seems to be a cumulative effect. This can cause it all to mesh together and become one huge blob characterizing entire periods of life.

There's one part of my life like that, too; and while I once wondered what really happened during that period, I'm at peace with not knowing anymore than the surface feeling of deep hurt. While the details remain hidden, that may be a good thing in the long run of realizing any stability out of brute senselessness in the form of emotional abuse heaped on top of the others.

It's very hard, as you shared, to put any of the senseless into words. All I can offer is empathy and support for what you are going through with this stuff. It's good to see, though, that you've found your own  voice, by which to speak out about it. Finding that can be huge as one takes the next steps in re-finding their own strength to carry on.

[Three Roses]

There were huge chunks I blocked out, but I thought I'd remembered everything. One thing I will say is to urge you to not attempt to recover memories without the guidance of a qualified therapist. I did mine with a self help book and wound up retraumatizing myself.

[brightlight]

Thank you notalone, woodsgnome and three roses