How to stop the self doubt?!

[dreamriver]

Hi all -

I've been self-employed for a long time now... Reading through posts here I realize I probably chose this path because working with others triggered me too much (and I only realized the reasons why a year ago, because of my CPTSD diagnosis, but it makes so much sense).

I work with clients online from home as a writer. Today one of my most money-making clients abruptly ended our working relationship, citing "budgetary and resource constraints" all by message of course. I really do not like actually talking with clients face to face or on phone, it can really stress me out, I feel like every time they would hear my voice or even see what I look like, a voice in my head tells me "they will immediately question why they even work with you when they actually come in contact with your personality in real life... "

I fight thoughts like this often... And this client dropping me (though it could be related to coronavirus affecting economy...I try to tell myself this is the more likely scenario!) has me reeling and picking myself apart about how/why it was my fault it happened. I kind of followed up about working with them again in the future when things are better, but received nothing in response.

Do I charge too much? Am I really not worth the money to them? Did I rub them wrong, even through messages? Was I too difficult? Did they only let me go and keep everyone else? Am I doomed in this line of work because of who I innately am?

These questions plague me... How do you all combat the self-doubt, the picking yourself apart when there could be more objective reasons for certain things happening at your work or in your career? I can't seem to shake it, on top of the very real financial worries. Thoughts appreciated... And thank you 

[saylor]

I'm sorry that you lost an important client. That sounds like a tough pill to swallow. I suspect I would also be experiencing a lot of self doubt, as that's how I'm wired, so I feel for you

I think you're doing the right thing by examining all possibilities, and by realizing that this may have nothing to do with you or the quality of your work. That's especially likely given that they did provide an impersonal and very plausible reason (albeit a vague one). Lots of folks are facing tough times given the current global turmoil

If they were really unhappy with you, what would be the point of keeping the truth from you? Especially given that this was a business relationship (not personal, which is fundamentally different, and often calls for more guardedness). For instance, think of how ready people are to provide scathing reviews of businesses when things aren't perfect—we live in a world with little censorship in that regard... Also, one of the possibilities you mentioned (cost) is something you could further evaluate by trying to do cost comparisons via online searches to get an idea of what others are charging. That might help shed light on how plausible that possibility is

[dreamriver]

Saylor, thank you for your response and your words. They're definitely what I needed to tell my IC to "shush up!"

I did find out they are keeping other writers over me. But have a stronger sense that it was budgetary, and not personal/quality oriented... I do wonder if they withhold criticism though because I am a contractor, not an employee, and maybe in their view the feedback just isn't worth their time.

It is still so hard to be fairly sure of what's completely logical but then emotions take over anyway (I'm trying to realize these are EFs or the beginning of them - so sneaky!)

And oh my goodness, that is so spot on about scathing reviews these days (Yelp is crazy). I've gotten nothing but good reviews on my online portfolios for work, come to think of it. That is such a good thing to remember - thank you Saylor!

How crazy is it that CPTSD and your IC attack you, despite the mountains of evidence around you that what they tell you isnt true? I guess I hide accomplishments from myself in my mind that I should be proud of in order to support the IC narrative...the battle continues....

Thanks again 

[Three Roses]

Sorry you've lost a client! 

FWIW, in regards to our inner critics, I've found much relief by changing my approach from an adversarial one to a more thankful one, thanking the inner critic for their efforts to keep me safe. Part of the Internal Family System therapy approach. More info on this - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M, part 1 of 4.

[dreamriver]

Sorry you've lost a client! 

FWIW, in regards to our inner critics, I've found much relief by changing my approach from an adversarial one to a more thankful one, thanking the inner critic for their efforts to keep me safe. Part of the Internal Family System therapy approach. More info on this - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M, part 1 of 4.

Thank you so much Three Roses!  I'll have to check this out.

Today I tried a healthy "NO!" at my IC regarding work, and it really did shut it down for today. Relieved.

But that's a good point about not being adversarial - I do think being hard on myself has made my work successful at the very least, and helped me survive. Though sometimes it goes overboard....