Loneliness, isolation

[LucySnowe]

Hi everyone,

I've been using this forum a little bit now but am a little anxious that I don't do it quite right. I'm trying to reach out, though. I'm feeling quite lonely. I've related to other posts in this topic about the pain of needing connection with others but not knowing how to make it safe or workable. Being in relationships always seems to involve lots of problems and pain, but not being in relationships seems to make everything else in my life worse—I'm not that healthy when I'm alone.

I realize this is a major conundrum for many of us with cptsd and attachment disorder (as addressed skillfully elsewhere in this topic), and there may be no real answers other than the daily work of recovery and self-compassion and -forgiveness.

I do get a lot out of just knowing that I can tell the truth here and other people will understand, accept it, and be kind. That's a big deal. And it is good medicine for me to be able to tell the truth somewhere; to verbally ventilate and grieve, which helps me move through the feelings and do some deep healing at the same time.

So partly, for me, just this is the answer. I'm also curious, though, what other people have found helpful, in those moments when they're feeling alone and scared, and wish they had warm connection to someone but don't, and don't know how to build it right now? What do you do that helps you?

Thanks 

[LucySnowe]

Also, I'm just tired. Tired of the struggle, tired of relationship conflicts, of not having a safe place to land. If anyone has anecdotes about how you create your own safe harbor, or even if you can just relate, I'd be interested to hear.

[saylor]

Lucy, I can relate. I'm sorry you're struggling so much—it breaks my heart. Please continue to reach out when you feel the need for connection. I don't want you to be alone. I know how awful it is 

[Rainagain]

I can relate too,

Dont have any answers, but I'm in the same boat.

[Kizzie]

I haven't really wanted to try forging/sustaining relationships again b/c they are so difficult to navigate, so I kind of gave up and retreated. I've come to understand though that it is important to my recovery to see if I can begin to look at why this is so and work through it. Toward that end I started back to therapy and got in one appt before the pandemic hit so that has been suspended. 

One point the T made that has stuck with me is being in an online group like this is more comfortable/ safer than face-to-face because it is anonymous and that is entirely true in my case. That said, even being in an anonymous group was hard at first. For many months after joining our sister site Out of the FOG I did not feel at all comfortable and could barely express myself, what I had been through, what I was feeling, etc.  It got better and better over time and has improved continually over the years which has been so important to my recovery.  so ime there is definite value IMO to starting out in a group like this.

Lately though I am beginning to see that while it's good I am finally feeling safe somewhere in this world, it might be time to try relationships again real life if I am to progress further in recovery. I don't quite know what that will look like though (sorry no answers!), but it will be a focus in therapy when I go back, whenever that may be.  If I am being truthful I am glad to wait as I really struggle with letting anyone close and I'm fairly certain it's going to be difficult.   

When you think about it, relational trauma means our biggest issue will of course be with building/nurturing/sustaining relationships. It makes sense to me then that we need therapeutic approaches that have a solid relational component, both one-on-one and groups as a next level.

I think F2F and/or Skpe type online groups might be helpful too, but it would depend on who is facilitating it, what the group guidelines are, etc. Still thinking about these options and weighing the pros and cons.     

[LucySnowe]

Thanks so much for these replies; just knowing that I am not alone is so huge. 

[Kizzie]