[C.]

I just wanted a spot for that holistic moment of whatever comes to mind from the week.  What worked.  What didn't.  Aha moments or challenges.

[C.]

I'll start since a couple things are on my mind...

First, I think part of the reason that my brothers experience was a bit better was that I was there to protect, teach and nurture him.  It must have been difficult when I left after high school and didn't look back...

Second, this is hard work and I think sometimes I've tried to do a bit too much, experienced too much sadness and pain from my story during the week.  But from this I'm learning to develop what I call child-me and mommy-me.  The validation about talking out-loud from this weeks group helped me to do so.  So I was able to have child-me cry, say she felt sad and alone, that she wanted to eat only cookies and candy.  Then mommy-me could validate her feelings, remind her of her self-worth, and remind her that she feels better when she eats fruits, vegetables and kind of sick w/the sweets.  It's been helping w/my emotions and my eating so yay for that!

Third, all of this progress is a combination of real life experience, this group, the forum, therapy, a new friend, my daughter, my developing Faith community (two new women from Latin-America, yay!), and ME 

A shout out to everyone who reads this and the group members for that overwhelming feeling of gratitude that fills me up and spills out with tears for the love I'm receiving now, but the sadness that it didn't happen earlier in my life...words just don't seem to cut it but I need to express that gratitude...MIL GRACIAS 

[schrödinger's cat]

Good idea with the child-me and mommy-me. I'll keep that in mind. And I'm glad to hear that you're feeling so well. 

I've had a few a-hah moments, too. Lots of those. I'm starting to spot which thoughts or emotions or reflexes are really there because of things my FOO and classmates did. For example, I noticed that I can't ever say anything that's truly about my own opinions and feelings without feeling at least a little nervous. Sometimes it's almost triggering. Since I joined OOTS, I've had this several times: that I've written posts and then later I felt nervous and antsy for a few hours, all just because I'd written something that I wasn't sure people would agree with. I keep telling myself that this place is safe, and if someone finds me weird, so what, as long as I'm not triggering anyone it's fine, but still - I just want to hide or delete everything. And I started to remember this week how my FOO acted towards me. They don't listen, they nitpick, they're patronizing, they keep on correcting me, they stonewall... it's just left me with this feeling that I, as I truly am, would only ever say embarassing, boring, or weird things.

Same thing goes for my mother's over-controlling behaviour. It's left me feeling like I'm always under scrutiny. Even when I'm alone, I've sometimes got this preoccupation with doing what's "proper" - doing things in a way that people in general will approve of - or in a way that'll not draw any attention. What a sh*tty way to live. I've got to teach myself to properly take up space.

So that's saddening to think about. Also, it's making me angry. But it's a good anger. And generally, it's progress.

[C.]

I really hear what you're saying about speaking up.  I get a quivering feeling all over at times.  I'm sure my voice sounds shaky.  And sometimes avoidance is the best solution.  I think I "freeze" b/c I don't want to fight or run but haven't developed the healthy skills to be appropriately assertive without feeling Terrified...like w/my work bully experience.  And I've had the same happen on OOTS storm with my posts.  I think that's why I like the idea of re-reading things b/c my initial reaction is Yuck!, what a stupid thing I wrote, that other thing makes more sense, maybe what I wrote didn't help/sounded arrogant/etc. etc.  But when I force myself to re-read I look for the positive and begin to find it.  I also found safety in my college classes and my Faith community, a place where I could speak and feel validated on some level most of the time.

One thing I've noticed is that I have this feeling that if I met anyone in this group I would be so delighted.  Although many of us withdraw in group settings, I believe that I would see you and want to sit by you and talk to you and hear your story, your perspectives, maybe even play a little

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks C., same here!           Funny, isn't it? Because I'm wary of people, too. But I'm often thinking how nice it would be if we could kind of shrink the Atlantic and shunt the USA someplace East of France and set up a nice tram connection.

Yes, I like the written format, too. Much easier to slowly inch my way forwards. I can re-read things and correct them, but I'm finding it surprisingly easy here to be spontaneous instead.

[Kizzie]

Yes, we need a transatlantic chunnel or some kind of earthly wormhole system (we just watched the movie Interstellar) 

I just wanted to add that one thing I have been noticing more and more is that I am not spending all kinds of time going over and over every post.  My FOO nitpicked everything I did or said and like you Cat and C everything I do is censored. I too did not realize it was as bad as it is until coming here and beginning to be more of who I am. I find now am just posting away in a much more spontaneous way here and I suppose it's because I also know I will not be attacked.  It's a wonderful feeling, this sense of flowing,  I've just never experienced it before. 

Here's to being more of who we really are      

And a very special thanks to you C for setting up this group and doing such a great job of moderating, it is making such a difference. 

[C.]

No words really, just ditto to all of what you've said.  I love your points about spontaneity and flow.  Child-me likes to twirl batons so I'm imagining sending a special baton twirling show for you all.  We are awesome!

[Kizzie]

We really are awesome ... and brave, kind, sweet, honest, authentic, warm, loving, caring, smart, funny and .......... feel free to add on 

[C.]

Compassionate,, creative, international, strong...

[Annegirl]

I love what you have written C, Kizzie and SC here.
My week has been up and down forwards and backwards. Im struggling with stupid things and IC and my T told me that when my dh starts to criticize me my exercise is to Just say yes to him not agreeing but seeing thats how he thinks which is nothing to do with who i am. He has had a few really good days. I wrote 2 new songs which helped me and others. Reading this book 'Trauma and recovery" is a big going forward point. My husband had 2 cousins die in a bomb blast in Pakistan 2 weeks ago and he has really been struggling, so much so that i had to find out a few days ago by myself reading a text from his sister about what happened. I asked him why he didn't tell me, he told me 2 weeks ago about the suicide bomber but not that his cousins were killed. Im trying to be strong for him and the children but feel completely alone and unsupported and feel stressed, and know I am as i have got 5 physical stress symptoms and dh is also not sleeping properly and is highly irritable. I wish this was more positive. If i put a damper on things please go up and read above posts  

[Kizzie]

It doesn't have to be positive Anne I'm sorry this week has been tumultuous but I'm glad that you were able to tell us about it rather than saying nothing or something that really doesn't reflect what you need and want to say here - now that's recovery!   

[Annegirl]

Thank you Kizzie  

[schrödinger's cat]

Sorry to hear that you've had such a sh*tty week, Anne. 

[Annegirl]

Thank you SC

[marycontrary]

So sorry about this terrible loss AG.

i think that the improvement that started 2 months ago is really getting stable. My focus and memory are so much better. I think I hit a milestone in the last 2 weeks or so---the EF have lessened to such an extent that I hardly think of my perpetrators. I think I am really starting to heal and integrate.

C. that was just wonderful. I do the same thing. I am a pretty good mother to myself.