Difficult Day (TW)

[FreedomFromTrauma]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a challenging day today. I'm feeling broken and am feeling my usual withdrawal mechanisms kicking in. A part of me doesn't want to write or share this, but I feel in another, more balanced part of me that it's a good idea.

I was abused and neglected by my family of origin. They crushed my ability to trust my own feelings, thoughts and desires. I often find myself feeling powerless and going along with what other people say just to avoid the possibility of angering them and facing their harsh judgement and criticism of me (as my family of origin did). I project my past onto them and then sell my true self in the present to avoid the fearful past that still lives in me.

It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking that such an innocent soul was crushed and made to be something so different to its own innate beauty. My own innate beauty. My own innate innocence. When I was a small child I remember answering the phone and curiously talking to the person on the other end. Suddenly my mum burst in and hit me without warning. She left me crying the bed while she continued on the phone as if nothing had happened. Then she left me and never spoke about it again. When I bring it up to her now she either gas lights me or says something like "well it was ok to hit kids back then, it's just what we did".

I can still feel the impact of her random act of violence. I was given harsh physical punishment for no reason at a time when I was developing my understanding of what my caregivers believe is ok and not ok. What am I meant to do with the physical information she gave me?! What was she telling me? "Don't answer the phone or I'll hit you? Don't talk to people or I'll hit you? Don't do what I don't want you to do even though I havent explained to you what that is?"

Christ, no wonder I second guess myself all the time and feel like I'm living inside a tomb of ice. I can't trust my thoughts, feelings or behaviours because any of them could bring the harshest punishment without any explanation. It makes me so angry!!!! How on earth can my mum be considered a parent?! How do we live in a society where these people are allowed to be parents?! Why isn't there a parenting test or a school to learn how to not ABUSE AND NEGLECT your CHILDREN!!!!!

This is where my rage should be focused. At my mum and my family for the abuse and neglect they pumped into me. Unfortunately today I was in this and unable to see it as clearly as I do now. So I projected it onto my partner and when she was being willful I saw it as being controlling and aggressive and then felt justified to fire my anger at her. Then I plunged down into despair and felt like everything was ending and hit my head against a wall because everything felt so intense. It's so unbelievably crap. That these people did such a bad job of raising me that I hold all this unprocessed rage that I then throw at my partner and myself. I hate them. I hate them for what they've done. I them and I'm right to hate them.

Part of me expects people here to try and minimise what they've done, say I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that I should just calm down and get over it. But I'm not over it. I'm absolutely furious. It's a disgrace that such people are allowed to be parents. It's absolutely disgusting that children are abused and neglected in our family homes. It sickens me. And it's right to be sickened by such disgusting behaviour. On days like today I want the whole world to burn.

[Kizzie]

Part of me expects people here to try and minimise what they've done, say I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that I should just calm down and get over it. But I'm not over it. I'm absolutely furious. It's a disgrace that such people are allowed to be parents. It's absolutely disgusting that children are abused and neglected in our family homes. It sickens me. And it's right to be sickened by such disgusting behaviour.

Absolutely support and validate your feelings FreedomFromTrauma. It's crucial IME to hold those who abused/neglected us accountable, to let ourselves be angry and then grieve what we endured and lost.  It's how we finally get freedom from our trauma IMO. 

   

[saylor]

FFT, this is one place where I don't think your trauma, or resulting feelings, will be minimized. I think many, likely most, of us know what that's like, and how retraumatizing that can be. It's a safe place to fully express your frustration, anger, agony, grief, etc. I hope you'll feel free to be open with us. We all need a safe outlet.

I know what it's like to feel like the beautiful, curious, hopeful child inside you was damaged early on, and that events that have occurred later in life often feel like echoes of those earlier experiences (even when we don't realize what's happening). The dehumanizing quality of senseless parental lashing-out towards their own children... there are no words adequate to describe its long-terms impact, and yet it haunts us.

Sometimes I feel resentful that I've been expected to function in a world where a lot (maybe most?) of the ppl I've had to "compete" with, first in school, and then in the workforce, probably weren't burdened by the extreme self-doubt/self-loathing, paralyzing depression and anxiety, disruptive dissociation, etc symptoms that burden my life to this day. Difficulties that MY OWN PARENTS recklessly imposed upon me, and then showed how little they cared about how I'd been affected [your M's dismissiveness is maddening, BTW, and sounds so very familiar]. I still have trouble making sense of it all and trying, somehow, to tolerate it.

So much feels unfair. There's no justice, no compensation for this. Just rage. I feel it. I know what it's like. I'm so sorry that you're suffering, too. Let it out. Be heard and seen.

BTW, if you haven't already done so, you may want to read Pete Walker's wonderful book (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd). He helped me understand that I regularly experience EFs and also how therapeutic it is to recognize the trauma I experienced and feel a healthy release of anger, as well as recognize and tame the harmful inner critic. There's lots of helpful salve in this book   

[Three Roses]

FFT, I was also regularly attacked (because that's what it is, it's unprovoked, out-of-the-blue assault) without warning on a regular basis. It changes your perception of safety in the world in general, and makes you hypervigilant around people you're supposed to be able to trust.

My trust is non-existent. I have none to give anyone, at any time. It's something I struggle with. Imo this is what makes my threshold for EFs so low.

I'm saying all this just to say "I understand, you're not alone".

[FreedomFromTrauma]

Thank you so much for this guys. It's a huge relief to feel heard and that you understand in your own experience. I'm sorry that you do, for your sake, it's a grave injustice that you understand this, and also I'm deeply grateful so that I am not suffering in this alone as I did for so many years.

I feel the bitter sweet sadness and relief of shared pain. You have my compassion and in saying this I realise I have compassion for myself too. What I and you have gone through is horrific and wrong and I honour myself and you for your bravery in facing such overwhelming difficulty.

Saylor I relate to your comments about competing against others at school and the unfairness of it. My partner (who also has Cptsd) and I call it our invisible wound and it's something I'm in the process of coming to terms with. I failed my first degree at uni because I was unable to go to lectures because the gaps where people chatted with each other casually were so overwhelming for me. I had no understanding of what was happening and just felt overcome with a nameless dread and left the lecture theatre to go sit in my room and play computer games. Looking back, I was crippled by a wound as significant as any physical disability and struggled in the dark unaided by family, friends and society who were blind to the cruelty inflicted on me. In my heart is a fury that can burn this ignorance to ashes. I can feel it in my eyes like lasers. My healthy self-protection is coming back to me...with interest.

In answer to your question about Pete Walker I'm very glad to say I have found his work and have been working with it for a month or two. He is a true gem and I am so grateful he is who he is. His story gives me hope that deep suffering can be transmuted into growth, wisdom and healing for ourselves and the collective.

I'm feeling alive as I write this. I feel alive in the shared suffering we endure and the light of reclaiming my past and replacing the injuries back with those who created them e.g. my family.

Respect to you all as you work through these challenges.

FFT

[Kizzie]

I was unable to go to lectures because the gaps where people chatted with each other casually were so overwhelming for me. I had no understanding of what was happening and just felt overcome with a nameless dread and left the lecture theatre to go sit in my room and play computer games. Looking back, I was crippled by a wound as significant as any physical disability and struggled in the dark unaided by family, friends and society who were blind to the cruelty inflicted on me.

I had the same issue FFT and even reading your words brought up the shame I felt at not being able to cope with seemingly innocuous events lie breaks during classes, meetings. I wanted to be out in the world learning and doing but was disabled by something that back then I had no name for, just a lot of shame. I thought it was me, that I was defective/broken in some way other people weren't. 

It's hard feeling those feelings again, but also a relief and somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone either

[saylor]

I'm glad that you're feeling a little better, FFT. Being able to relate to others who are facing the same kinds of struggles def helps with not feeling so alone in this.

What you said about trouble in lectures reminds me of how tough it was in school for me to take in what the teacher/prof was saying, for 2 reasons. First, I have a tendency to dissociate regularly and therefore often lose the thread (this happens in conversations with ppl, too, and when watching movies, etc.) It's very frustrating, and so tough to get under control. Second, I have misophonia, and there are certain sounds that I absolutely cannot tune out, and they basically cause my brain to go haywire such that I can't think at all—I have to run out of the room if I can get away. If not, I'm held hostage by it and feel extremely agitated (and/or full of rage) until it stops. Along with the misophonic trigger sounds that affect me, if I'm trying to pay attention to what someone (like a lecturer) is saying and there's competing chatter in the room, even if the chatter is quieter than the lecturer's voice, I can't tune out the chatter, and it drives me insane. My heart rate spikes. I sweat. I get short of breath. Basically, it's my fight/flight misfiring and I can't "reason" it away, even though I finally understand what's happening. So I'd miss out on much of the lecture, even when I'd I force myself to stay in the room despite desperately wanting to flee. I have the same problem in restaurants... if I can hear others chatting or laughing in the background, I often can't pay attention to what my dinner-mate is saying, and I instantaneously become agitated. The response is breathtakingly rapid. This tends to be more pronounced if I'm under stress for whatever other reason. When I'm out in public, which I try to avoid in recent years, I try to keep my internal responses to myself, but sometimes my agitation/rage seeps through, and ppl think I'm crazy.  It sucks

I'm not sure if what I'm saying here is exactly the same thing you were describing, but I wanted to tell you about it in case it could help you figure out what's going on.