The past is still the present (TW, and wall of text)

[lokasenna]

[removed]

[lokasenna]

Also, a question to the mod(s) - it's hard to escape the sense of panic posting the OP created, and I may end up wanting to delete the post at some point or another. Does the edit period expire after a certain time period on this forum, so I know to decide for sure before then?

[Snowdrop]

I read your post and it's heartbreaking. I hear you. You're not overreacting in any way. What you've been through sounds horrific, and I'm so sorry you went through it all. Please know that I believe you, every word. It's trauma, and you're very, very welcome here. Thank you for your bravery in posting.

You mentioned perhaps wanting to delete the post in the future. I'm not a mod, but a quick option I sometimes use for my posts is to go to the post, and click on the action to modify it. This allows me to edit out any bits I no longer want to appear.

[Bach]

lokasenna, the edit feature does not expire on this forum like it does on some others. You can edit or remove a post any time you want. It's a safety feature that I especially appreciate about this forum.

Thank you for sharing. I believe you completely and understand  how difficult and scary it is to write and post. I hope that even if you need to edit or delete that it was useful to you to be able to write it out. I often feel that the past is still the present. Like different parts of me are still stuck in certain places at certain time periods from my life, trapped in traumatic situations and unable to perceive any past or future, only the current moment of wanting relief and being unable to find it. I feel for you deeply.

[saylor]

lokasenna, I believe you, too. What you describe is nightmarish, and it has so many layers to it—physical and emotional pain, the accusations that you were faking things (from family and medical staff), your own father working against your best interests, people mocking you. Everywhere you turned there was more trauma. I am so sorry that you were put through so many horrible experiences, and that you're still having to navigate the psychological aftermath as well as physical problems and pain. I'm in shock over what you've been through—I struggle for words

[Blueberry]

lokasenna, I read your post too, all of it, and what happened to you is absolutely horrendous. I'm sorry, I'm at a loss for words otherwise. (This happens to me sometimes). I didn't find your post confusing to read at all, it was very clear in fact.

[Not Alone]

I have tears in my eyes; what you have gone through (and continue to suffer) is heartbreaking. I believe you.

[sanmagic7]

so very sorry for what you've lived through, what you continue to battle through.  i believe you, hear your pain.  thank you for sharing.  sending a very gentle hug filled with love and caring

[lokasenna]

I'm overwhelmed by the responses here. Thank you so much. It means a lot to have the empathy, validation, and belief of so many people. Though I haven't posted much on the forum yet, know that I believe and feel for all of you too.

it has so many layers to it

It was hard for a long time to approach anything that had occurred because of that. I was so trapped in it that it felt like nothing had occurred at all, if that makes sense. I didn't know how to escape the maze, how to decipher or understand anything, because my mental paradigms, my self, kept being shattered. I don't know if I truly developed a self to begin with. I know I could've had a life that was very different than this. I don't know who I would have been, but I was a smart kid and I think I had potential. There was so much I wanted to do and be. I realize that's how it is for most people, to some extent or another, because even beyond trauma, it sort of seems like the nature of life in general. I just don't know if my story will have a happy ending.

I wish that I didn't still have to fight, that my life could finally be about more than just survival. It's perpetually exhausting and I'm faced every morning with digging up the vestiges of my willpower against all reason, against all hope, so that I can suffer through another day. The only personality trait I'm certain I have is determination, and even that was acquired through circumstance rather than being an inherent quality. I'm used to pulling myself back up, alone, and I hate showing vulnerability because it became equivalent, in my mind, to weakness. This forum seems like a good place though, full of good people, so I'm glad to have discovered it.

[sanmagic7]

glad you discovered us, too.  i could've written this post myself - going thru so much of the same, the same battle daily.  it is exhausting.  i feel for you - i don't wish this on anyone.  love and hugs