Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'

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I like vanilla

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OK, there is a lot about this social distancing that is freaking me out, including: that I just went self-employed and this was supposed to be my busy season and now instead I have zero income for the foreseeable future, a friend has been notified that he has been in contact with someone with covid-19, all of my anchors are gone (no volunteer work, no weekly walk with my friend, no art class at the community centre, etc, etc.), and the complete inability to legitimately get a hug. (I live alone with my cat), etc.. On top of all of that, my therapist retired at the end of December 2019, and I have been grieving that loss.

But, what I am really, really, really get tired of are the well-meaning posts everywhere on the internet reminding us to care about our 'loving parents' and/or our 'loving families' at home, to remember to not bring the disease to them, to tell them how much we love them just in case, etc., etc., etc. I know these people really are well meaning, but BLARGH!!!! I had to close down a site and walk around my apartment a few times to prevent myself from freaking out and YELLING at someone who posted one of these friendly reminders. Why should I care about these xxx people when they not only failed to care about me, they went out their way to cause me harm?!?!?

In February I celebrated 10 years no contact with my abusive parents and about about half of my many siblings (the ones who took NM's and EF's sides). It was bittersweet, but mostly sweet because I finally chose my Self over their abuse. It was the right decision but it is one that still pains me sometimes. And now, everywhere I look I get reminders that 'everyone else' has loving parents to care about them and to worry about during these crazy times, and admonishments that I ought to be caring about mine... when in the meantime I cannot even get a legitimate hug from anyone. BLARGH! I also often feel hugely guilty because I realized that I would not be that upset if my parents died - I have been grieving their loss, or at least the loss of my illusions of who they were, for years. I feel even guiltier because the first couple times I saw these reminders that my parents could die any minute I thought 'good'. Now, I just think 'please, make it stop!'

I get these people are well meaning. I also get that it is not personal to me. But I really wish they would stop with their constant reminders about caring for and about our 'loving families'. The overwhelming majority of mine was not loving, and was actively harmful. BLARGH! And I cannot yell at the people making these postings because they really do mean well.

Plus, I did not even get to have my 10-year anniversary party with my loving, not-biologically-related-to-me family (I live far away from my biological family so the in-contact siblings would not be able to come either way).


Please, could people send hugs? I really need a hug.

Please too, if anyone has any ideas on what to write in response I would be interesting in hearing your thoughts, even if it is 'don't respond just keep saying BLARGH! to yourself and move on'. Or maybe there is a separate post that I could put on my own wall? 'Please remember some of us never had loving parents, so maybe stop giving that as a motivation for us to stay home (especially because that might be what prompts some of us to join the biggest party that we can find...)'?

BLARGH!!!

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marta1234

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Re: Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2020, 07:17:16 AM »
Hi Vanillia, although I'm not in the best shape to give you lots of advice, I wanted to say I hear you and I read what you wrote. And it's completely valid. I have actually been thinking this myself, when I see all of these posts and messages that people send or write. I say, if the person is posting consistently these kinds of messages, then maybe 'mute' them or just silence their posts for a while (I've done that with many celebrities that I follow, I just find it nerve wracking).
In any case, what you chose to do was and is completely valid. It's your choice. Not theirs. These messages never really mirror half of people's situations, so it shouldn't be taken to heart. But I still hear your frustration. I think a lot of people are frustrated too. And angry.
Sending you lots of warmth and hugs, in these tough times :hug:
We're here for you, this community. We will be here :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2020, 08:31:15 AM »
Hi I LIke Vanilla,
Firstly, here is a hug for you  :bighug: and I relate so much to so many things you've said in your post here.  I read it and was thinking about it afterwards, and wanted to come back and respond, although I think I'm a bit triggered this morning - so unable to write much back to you - without getting tongue-tied and stuff.  But I really relate to so much of what you wrote.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Some more hugs. 

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2020, 01:07:23 PM »
It makes sense that those types of posts are so triggering to you. You asked for advise, so I would advise to not respond. They really are making general statements and not speaking to you specifically in your situation. If you did respond, many people wouldn't understand. Some could take it the wrong way or even challenge you, which would only add to your frustration and hurt.

  :hug: :grouphug: :bighug:

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woodsgnome

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Re: Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2020, 05:03:27 PM »
 :applause:  :hug:  :hug: and many more non-familial  :hug: .

Well said, ILikeVanilla -- I admire your resistance to the worn-out platitude that suggests love can only come in mythical familial packages or it's not right -- BALDERDASH!

It took me many years through festering anger and monumental pain to discern the fallacy of those sentiments and must/should self-help suggestions tossed around by self-help experts (amongst many others) whose first ploy is to lay out the guilt card, that there's something wrong with one if they just can't accept their admittedly well-intended notions to dive under the illusion that all things family is the only thing that counts.

It's like blaming -- and then re-blaming -- the victim. In fact, I feel more than ever that my best option was to get out and stay away, relying on the only expert that counts -- my heart.

Again, thanks for this reminder and congrats on having the wherewithal to see your own way with this, and congrats on the 10 year mark.

If words fall short, here's some other ways we wish to support you; as you celebrate your own spirit and follow your truth ~ ~

 :applause:
 ;)
 :hug:
 :bighug:
 :grouphug:
 :yeahthat:

~~~ and much more as you continue to honour your Self ~~~

 
                 
             
« Last Edit: March 29, 2020, 05:05:27 PM by woodsgnome »

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Blueberry

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Re: Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2020, 06:29:57 PM »
 :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:

The most helpful letter-writing I've done in ages has been here on Letters of Recovery https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 I direct the letter at whoever I'd really like to say something to and instead of weighing my words, I just let fly. I usually get validation from one or mbrs on here and with time the need and impulse to write these kinds of letters has much reduced. So much so that when I have to communicate e.g. with FOO, I can just send a one-liner.

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Three Roses

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Re: Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2020, 07:16:55 PM »
:hug: :hug: :hug:

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Bach

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Re: Blargh! Please internet, stop reminding me about my 'loving family!!'
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2020, 10:12:40 PM »
I feel that way about all that "love your parents" propaganda too, I like vanilla.  I always have to stay away from the Internet on Mother's Day/Father's Day.  I amused myself on Mother's Day last year by coming up with ideas for cards for an Anti-Mother's Day, a fictional holiday for folks like me who would love to have a special day to say what they really think!

Millions of hugs for you, ILV :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

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dreamriver

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I know it's over a month late but sending you a hug if you need it Vanilla  :hug:

Also: BLARGH! These are my vibes exactly!!!!