Hi

Started by Marian82, April 01, 2020, 04:23:24 PM

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Marian82

Hello,

Im a 38 y/o woman with a son, and no job atm.

I suspect i had ptsd from childhood and c-ptsd plus severe delusional symptoms since 9 years. I have had a dozen diagnoses though.

I have struggled with several situations/periods of sexual and emotional abuse. Having to defend my newborn kid against his father in court for years, with cps stating "a psychopath can be a nice dad too!", lead to severe feelings of being trapped. I got religious delusions eventually, which caused their own deeper level of terror and shame.

I have not been able to get good therapy, unfortunately, because they tend to just send you away with pills here. I did finally start emdr recently, but my therapist got corona now.

I just lost my mum and am deeply hurt atm by how i couldnt always trust her fully anymore and didnt always treat her well because of my issues.

I find it hard to keep up hope and am looking for some ideas and support. Hope i can give support back as well.

Marian.

Marian82

#1
The thing i struggle with the most btw is how i feel i have become a monster myself. I have a lot of shame and fear and sometimes anger, which makes me respond erraticly at many times. Also my pain, my bad choices hurt my family too, my kid.

Blueberry

Welcome :heythere: Sorry you need us, but glad you found us. This coronavirus and all it entails is an additional strain on top of everything else.

There is tons of information here on the forum, so I hope you can find something even a little bit helpful for your current situation.

Marian82


OceanStar

Just wanted to say I read your post and I'm glad you're here.

I hope you find a little comfort through being here too.

:wave:

Snowdrop

Hi Marian :wave:. I hope you find being here helpful.

BlankPage

Hi, Marian.  I'm new here, too, so thought I'd say hello.  Hope you find the support you're looking for.

Three Roses

Hi, Marian! Welcome :heythere:

I empathize with your statement that you sometimes feel you "have become a monster", but may I suggest that you do a little reading here about emotional flashbacks (EFs) and the "fight" reaction. Here are a couple of links for you -

Here is an overview of what is meant by the 4Fs of CPTSD - fight, flight, freeze and fawn. http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Being "triggered" can send your system into an emotional flashback, one of the most common symptoms discussed here on the forum. This next page explains more; it's pretty long but very useful.
http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

It's important, I think, to understand that if you're lashing out as part of being in an EF, that this is not your fault, it doesn't mean you're a monster, and there are things you can do to help yourself.

Kizzie

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Marian  :heythere:  Three Roses has suggested some good resources to have a look at that may help  :thumbup:   There are lots more you'll find as you settle in, explore, make some posts and get some suggestions.   :yes: 

Froggie

 :heythere: Hi, Marian82!

Marian82