kdke's journal, part .o2

[kdke]

I've decided to start a new journal since it's been quite some time since I've been around the forums.

Lots of things have changed for me. Mostly for good, but with the coronavirus epidemic, some not so good.

First thing's first--Linda and I are still together. I say that as the first thing because I've never had a romantic relationship for this long and still wanted to be with the person I was with lol. Sounds terrible when worded that way; that's what happens with a dismissive/anxious attachment style, though. And yet, here I am. I feel like I've worked through some feelings and thoughts that really needed it to get to this point. I adore Linda and appreciate every day she's in my life.

Second, I am now the owner of an associate's degree! I finally finished college, but am already determining either getting another associate's, a certificate, or just going straight for a bachelor's lol. In the meantime, I'm saving up for medical coding school.

I have a new job which I started in November. I work in a lab and process specimens for screening, confirmation, and storage. I also do data entry for those specimens. I genuinely like my job, even though hours ahve been cut due to the epidemic. I am, however, considered an essential worker due to the nature of my job.

That has been a cause for anxiety and some depression, but I'm getting through.

I've been contemplating how to best spend this time in part quarantine, part just working when I can. I have four days off, every week, now that clinics are suspending drug testing--some clinics have completely closed and won't see anyone. I've thought about all the productive things I could do right now, only to find myself still jsut as overwhelmed as when I had less time. Still dealing with the same hesitations, anxieties, feelings of not succeeding to overcome the way I'd like to.

Saying that, I'm back here where I feel safe. This is a good space, and I'm grateful to have it and appreciate the people here.

I've decided to do some therapy on my own, since I feel safest staying indoors and traveling as little as possible. I've started to read Self Therapy by Dr. Earley, since a past therapist (the trauma therapist who diagnosed me with cPTSD) said IFS would be a good therapy for me. We never got to because she had to leave the clinic; having learned that IFS can be done on one's own time and effort (as long as one has a good headpsace for it), I've decided to start where that therapist had to leave.

Besides that, it has already helped me to see certain parts of myself in a way I've never thought I could--or should. Such as the part of me that can be very rude and dismissive of people's feelings and needs, so rude to the point of being condescending and patronizing. This part leaves me feeling annoyed and even disdainful. I always thought it was a part of me that I had to get rid of, or if not, I was deemed unlovable. But with IFS, I can see that part as having a purpose--its purpose being it was trying to protect me during my most vulnerable states of depression and anxiety. It was doing its best and in the only way it knew worked, even at a cost.

IFS is teaching me to appreciate that part, and others, for working hard to protect me. It feels strange, but then it also feels so freeing. It's like, "Wait, I don't have to hate myself? Is this how I can learn to love myself? Woah." lol

Of course, I'm just starting and I know it'll take me time to get to a place where I feel better about a lot of my parts. But right now, it's my Self just wants to connect with all the parts and make all of them feel loved and appreciated. My Self says, "It's about time we find all these parts the jobs they've earned after decades of struggle and battling through." Indeed.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're back, kdke, and that you find this a safe space.  also glad you found something to help you move forward.  there are several others here who are into the IFS model.  it's been fascinating.  well done, you!   love and hugs

[Three Roses]

Be to "see" you again

[kdke]

sanmagic7: you don't know how much I've thought about you during these past months when thinking about the forums! You're amazing and I'm glad to see you still going strong, even though we've all gone through our struggles. I appreciate you so much.   

Three Roses: same to you! I'm so happy you stopped by to say hello. Thank you for being such a lovely presence here. You're valued 

I've taken yesterday and today off from reading Self Therapy just because I've been marinating myself in IFS all week lol. I've listened to a podcast about IFS, and read about it, and have been interacting with others on Facebook about it--I'm just surrounded!

I also talked to Linda about maybe practicing it with me, since in Self Therapy, it's encouraged to find a partner to practice the method with. Linda said she would look into it and once she did, found it interesting. I think if I nag her a bit, she'll follow through with me and we can try it out. Anything to more deeply connect and communicate more effectively.

On my own time, I'm starting to feel a lot of different parts that blend with me throughout the day. Some seriously clever ones that have been trying to protect me from a lot of uncomfortable feelings--exiles that bring a lot of burdens and pain with them when they float to the surface.

There is one, very prominent protector that tends to get me several times a day. I've called him the Crow. He's very clever, quick, and enjoys shiny things. Whenever I'm faced with having to do something essential--be it self care or doing a chore--Crow comes forward and says, "That's too overwhelming and time-consuming right now. Look over here at this thing! Let's do that instead." And so there I'll go, led by Crow to do the shiny thing that makes me happy and lets me disassociate. The essential thing is forgotten until later.

I think I really need to connect to Crow and let him know that sometimes, a distraction is really nice and helpful, but essentials are incredibly important and do need to get done. I'm trying to access Self so I can talk to him about this.

Another protector of mine that reared its head today is my "I want to be heard and you will hear me NOW" protector. She fights to have me validated when I feel unheard, patronized, and/or misunderstood. She's a fighter and will talk and talk and talk--she is the head against the brick wall, even if the other person does actually get it. When she's blended with me, she can't tell the difference, and she will push without limits.

I can see that she has been around for a long time, doing her very best to protect me from people who've either genuinely treated me badly and dismissed things I've said, or that I've perceived to be doing so. She gets upset and irritated, very frustrated, and will snap and get loud. My voice will get higher and faster, my eyebrows will furrow, I'll frown a little, sigh a lot, and I start to feel tension in my upper chest and the crown of my head. Maybe not tension... but energy. A very raw, red energy.

Sometimes anxiety will cause an ache in my stomach, too, and knots, when she's ready to brawl, but I don't think that's her causing that discomfort. I think that's another protector in conflict with her; one that doesn't want to be confrontational, and is afraid of retaliation, and even of me getting TOO out of hand.

All of them protecting me from exiles that I have a good idea about, after having been in therapy for a while. However, it's really hard for me to not analyze my parts and their purposes. I can be analytical to a fault lol.

Since right now, essentials are a huge part of my general sense of care and stability, Crow and I are going to connect. I communicate best in writing, so maybe that'll be how I do it? I have the handbook for Self Therapy and so I will look to that, too.

[sanmagic7]

thank you for those kind words, my dear. that was really sweet of you and made my heart sing.

i love that you call that particular part 'crow'.  how apt!  distracter, indeed!  sounds very worthwhile that you recognize him for what he is and can let him know his appropriate place. 

i don't think it's a bad idea to take breaks from this stuff.  i've found that since i'm back w/ my t, i'm letting her guide the pace for now.  it helps, cuz i tend to push myself too hard to tackle one more thing.

sending love and a hug filled w/ a sponge for blending!

[Hope67]

Hi Kdke,
I have wanted to say something in reply to what you wrote in your Journal, as it resonated with me, and I think your descriptions of your various parts are so well defined - glad you're having a rest for the weekend, and hope that it is helpful.  Sending you a supportive and safe hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Congratulations on your associate's degree. 

I always thought it was a part of me that I had to get rid of, or if not, I was deemed unlovable. But with IFS, I can see that part as having a purpose--its purpose being it was trying to protect me during my most vulnerable states of depression and anxiety. It was doing its best and in the only way it knew worked, even at a cost.

IFS is teaching me to appreciate that part, and others, for working hard to protect me. It feels strange, but then it also feels so freeing. It's like, "Wait, I don't have to hate myself? Is this how I can learn to love myself? Woah." lol

Recently, my T showed me how a Part, who seemed like she was being mean and hurtful, was doing the best that she could to protect. It was interesting and gave me a feeling of grace and acceptance instead of rejection.

[kdke]

sanmagic7: hugs all around lol  and yes, more and more parts are being recognize for how the operate, and it's a little overwhelming tbh. Not in a bad way, but I'm amazed at how many I can pin point!

Hope67: Thank you, so much. I appreciate your insight a lot. Hugs 

notalone: Isn't it amazing? I've had college counselor (when I was in college) do that for me when I was feeling incredibly angry. She allowed me to voice what that part was feeling without judgment, even validated its anger--reveled in it. I was confused at first and eventually calmed down, and she helped me to understand why that part probably felt the way it did, and how it's not coming from bad intent. It was hurting, and was trying to defend me. That and anger is just energy; its purpose can be used in however way you choose.

*********

It's been interesting so far with IFS. I'm finding myself noticing and embracing protectors and exiles as memories are revisited. I'm in an online IFS group, and someone brought up "two-faced" behavior. This person wasn't in Self when talking about it (which I don't blame them one bit, considering the topic), and I felt courageous enough to talk about my own experiences with two-faced behavior.

The fact being, I believe it is a protector and that I've had this protector in my life for a long time. Being "two-faced" was something I did a lot, mostly in my younger years. I would fawn to one person, and then turn around and fawn to the person the first one had an issue with. I would get caught in lies, in appealing to both persons in way or another. I would sometimes even throw one of them under the bus to make the other happy.

I now have a better way to communicate with that protector, and better understand why it behaved that way. It only wanted me to feel accepted, loved, valued, and wanted. I did anything I could to get those things from people I didn't even really like, but feared retaliation from. I didn't care who it was; the urge to be accepted and loved was so strong that I didn't discriminate who I fawned to.

I just wanted to be seen, and so this "two-faced" protector came to the rescue. It was shielding a very rejected exile who never felt accepted for exactly who she was; and little one who felt dismissed, undervalued, even worthless. Constantly bullied, constantly judged and ostracized. I feel her now and realize how blended that exile is with me.

I can look at my protector and see that she wasn't trying to be malicious or even be dishonest. She was just trying to find me a place in the world where I felt I belonged to something, had a social circle, and celebrated by others. She tried to make me feel relevant, not a waste of space, not an outcast. I'm so grateful for this part.

I shared this with the person in my group, and it felt easy. IFS really seems to remove the shame I've felt for parts of me that I judged as bad, harmful, or deviant. Instead I can look at them and genuinely know they're doing their best, and I have the power to help them find a better way to function.

EDIT: I also wanted to add that I slept for about a day and a half the past two days. I had this terrible headache that was making me extremely nauseated; I almost thought I was going to toss my cookies a couple of times. My body just keep telling me to shutdown--sleep it off. I was so frustrated with myself because I wanted to feel productive, energetic, but my head and my stomach weren't having it.

But today I feel a whole lot better. I think going to work helped some, even though with the epidemic, I'm only working two days a week. I wonder if this headache was both allergy and stress related. I'm also not looking forward to logging job applications for partial unemployment lol.

[Snowdrop]

IFS really seems to remove the shame I've felt for parts of me that I judged as bad, harmful, or deviant. Instead I can look at them and genuinely know they're doing their best, and I have the power to help them find a better way to function.

This is what I find too. IFS is making a huge difference to my life, and it's so fascinating.

[sanmagic7]

i don't know much about IFS, except what i read here - i'm on the emdr path for the moment - but i think it's very courageous, and want to give you a lot of credit for looking at these parts, recognizing them for who they are and what they've done for you.  really amazing.

i've been thru a lot with the whole 'being productive' type of thinking.  what i've learned, which helped me a bunch, is that resting, even sleeping, is something we also need because it's a healing phase.  when i looked at it that way, i could see that it was just as productive as when i was in an active phase.  i used to lift weights and learned that the same muscle groups needed to rest for a day or two between being worked on, and this time of rest was as important as the actual weight lifting. it's thru the rest that the muscle fibers can heal, which allows the muscle to become stronger. so, i hope you can be gentle with yourself when your body and brain let you know they need rest.

keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[kdke]

sanmagic7: I love EMDR and the potential it has to heal so many people. My trauma T, back when she and I were working together, tried EMDR with me; unfortunately, my schedule at the time was proving too erratic for proper EMDR therapy (considering a lot of the unresolved trauma I was dealing with) and so she moved me to DBT, which then sparked the idea behind IFS with her and me~

Snowdrop: YES! I think we all have a therapy that works well with our psyches.

********

So today I wanted to write a letter or two to one/two of my parts that have been particularly activated right now. I figured I'd write them here in my journal because let's face it: I'm a Millennial and I haven't handwritten pages' worth of words in probably a decade lol! My hands are just not muscled right for it anymore, if that makes sense.

Anyway, so this letter is for a protector part, a manager part that I can feel trying to categorize and psychoanalyze my parts. This part has obviously been around for a while; she's young and very smart, likes to figure things out and put things in their place. She enjoys organizing, prioritizing, and labeling the psyche for all the ways it exists. She became particularly activated when I started understanding psychology more, and she really comes to the forefront when I'm doing logical things.

She likes math, symbolic logic, proofreading, editing, solving people and my mind like a puzzle. She's like a Sherlock Holmes!

So here's my letter to her. I hope she will hear me.

*****

Dear little Miss Sherlock,

I just wanted to tell you how much I absolutely adore you. You're so incredibly sharp and you help me to deep focus during work, when doing anything that requires me to calculate, pull things apart to understand their meaning, and put them back together.

You've been at the forefront every day when I'm at my job, making sure I take in every detail so that every piece of work I do is meticulously completed and just right. You've helped me when I would tutor, back in college, and when I would create my own work to get my degree. You enjoy medical coding, test coding--just anything that involves categorizing and problem solving. I love it!

You bring me good vibes, a feeling of control, and deep focus. You are the energy that hones in on trying to find out what is most essential for me or anything I try to understand. You notice people and want to solve them like puzzles, to help me understand them and maybe help them understand themselves.

At the end of the day, I can tell you're the biggest problem solver I have, and you try so incredibly hard when you're blended with me. You put in an amazing amount of energy, and I appreciate you so much for that. It makes sense to me why these things are important to you, because solving issues and finding out the best way to do and perceive problems makes life easier for me, and helps me to understand my world a little better. That gives me relief when I feel I have a good grip on why something functions the way it does, and I feel really good when I can do something just right.

I can see now that you are looking out for me a lot, and I have always noticed you to some capacity. Thank you for being with me, with my system, and for taking care of my ability to understand. You mean so much to me, and so I know how this new process of understanding the psyche might be a little hard for you. I'm sensing some resistance because we're now having to wait, be patient, and not categorize and prioritize so much. We're having to look at parts and see that there's not necessarily a problem to be solved, but that we need to connect and just listen, not analyze.

I know that's hard for you, to accept parts and not try to figure them out like they're a problem to be solved. I can see that now.

I don't know if you're entirely aware of me yet, but that's ok. I'm going to leave this letter here and we will keep revisiting it. We'll find a way to sit together, you and me, and connect and listen to one another. Like I said, I just adore you and think you're amazing. I just want you to know I'm here, that I'm listening, and that I hope you come to trust me when I say it's going to be all right. We don't have to solve everything.

I'm wondering if maybe we can find ways to connect by doing more puzzles together, things that you really like. We'll have to see!

I appreciate you, little Miss Sherlock.

- kdke

[kdke]

TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY WOOOOOO. The big 33, and it feels good lol. I think that's an excellent number to sit on for the next year.

Anyway, I have a fun event to talk about... maybe not so fun, but a good, hard lesson.

Linda, my partner, and I are reading through Self Therapy together via FaceTime. Last night, we read a chapter, reached a trailhead exercise, and I had several parts (and at least one exile) that maaaajorly activated.

I couldn't even finish the exercise because the parts I was feeling were either trying to get a hold of the situation (poorly, of course) or were flooding me like crazy. I was attempting to think of a trailhead and at one point even offered my partner to think of one. Then one popped into my head and I was like, "Oooh I got one! I'll use this one."

Then Linda said, "But what about this other one?"

I said, "But I'm going to the one I just thought of."

I really, really wish I can properly remember what Linda said because I don't want to misrepresent her, but all I can say is a part of me thought she was trying to not just get me to use her idea, but also to poke at me about it.

Like, "This trailhead is one I think you struggle with more, that's why I remember it, and I think you should use it," type of approach. That's how my part took it (even though I know now that's not what my partner said), and it went wild over this. Very activated, defensive, trying to move attention back to the trailhead I already thought of. I felt the ache of panic in my chest tighten up, my arms and hands started to tremble.

I had another part that was trying to come in and make me stop talking. Another part was trying to help me think more reasonably. Another part just wanted me to apologize for getting upset and comfort my partner. And of course, the first part was still very upset, and then even another was trying to passive aggressively blame the whole thing on Linda. That part worried other parts a little bit, and was being override by my "apology" and "let's be reasonable" parts.

Lots of protectors freaking out lol. Unfortunately, the exiles finally came forth and flooded me. One exile that felt like a child, helpless, and scared all the time. Another that felt like a monster who didn't deserve the time of day.

And then a protector came forth to try and put these exiles back in their places: an inner critic that had a lot to say about all of these parts.

It left me feeling so ashamed and disappointed. I couldn't focus on the initial trailhead or calm down. I was just crying, felt so vulnerable and worried. My partner was also sad for me. We ended the conversation with me crying a river because I just couldn't face my partner any longer.

After I ended the FaceTime call. My exiles calmed down and I stopped crying. My protectors were still a little activated, and I just felt exhausted and wired all at once.

Linda and I talked about what happened last night and she expressed a lot of interesting thoughts coming into her head.

She said things like, "I bring up certain topics and then you go to this really dark place. I try everything in my arsenal to get you back and then I can't. How am I, as your partner, supposed to handle a situation like that when you're so upset?" Linda was crying and mentioning things I've done in the past when I was upset. There was one time I got so blended with an exile and some protectors that I just completely isolated for a few days. It was so hard for me to unblend, just enough, to come out of it and finally communicate what I was going through. Even then, I was heavily blended with an exile and just felt like this scared, beaten up little girl.

It was times like those when Linda's words made a part of me feel like Linda wasn't understanding what I was dealing with, not really. Luckily, today she revealed to me how she was perceiving these experiences, and it told me a lot about her own trauma regarding uncomfortable interactions between her and past partners.

She felt like, any time I got defensive and really upset during a topic that was activating my parts, that I was also perceiving her as an enemy.

I was having a hard time understanding that at first, but then when it clicked, I was thought, ooooh, it would make sense that she would come from that POV since her past partners had such polarizing feelings toward her. Her past partners were very abusive to certain degrees, and would genuinely either lovebomb her or treat her like trash for even looking at them funny.

Once that clicked, I was able to connect with Linda and soothe her a bit, let her know that my thinking wasn't so black and white like that. I told her, "I've worked really hard to have some awareness of myself when I'm defensive and upset, so even though it can look really bad, I'm already working on trying to calm myself. It just takes me some time. And it's just the reality that our loved ones will make choices that we either perceive to be poor or actually are. If you made a choice toward me that I just thought was poor or actually was, that doesn't change how I feel about you, even in the moment. I love you, and we're human. I don't think you're my enemy, and never would. I know you love me and always do your best for me."

I let her know that I really needed her to trust me to process my feelings, even when my emotions and thoughts are really intense; that I'm doing my part to learn how to connect with my parts and feel healthier and happier.

And that I trusted her to do the same for herself, so we could meet in the middle and help each other within healthy boundaries.

I think the way I feel and how that manifests just makes her nervous and she goes into EF's about it, if I'm totally honest. I feel so badly about it because she's been battered by her former partners, emotionally or what else. I don't even want to say it. I'm grateful that I only cry a lot and just get a little defensive--and even when I'm defensive, now I'm very good at saying, "Sorry, this isn't your fault, I'm just feeling really defensive right now and need a moment." LOL

I even gotten really good at owning when I misunderstand something, even though I have a part that really hates saying it lol.

But I told her about this other book written by Richard Schwartz, it's called You Are the One You've Been Waiting For. I told her that I'm wondering if maybe it's more appropriate for her and me to read as a couple, as it's designed for creating more intimacy in relationships. The Self Therapy book is designed for people to help themselves AND with a partner, but maybe not one as intimate as a romantic partner. I'm also having to own that maybe it's best to create that boundary for my own peace of mind, between me and Linda, and stick to what's designed for our partnership instead. I wanted to connect with her better, either way. That was always the goal.

[sanmagic7]

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KDKE!!!  

sounds like great work you're both doing!  well done   love and hugs all around, to you, your partner, and all your parts.

[Snowdrop]

Happy Birthday!

I've not read You Are the One You've Been Waiting For, but I've read a couple of other books by Richard Schwartz and found them really helpful.

I'm sorry your protectors got so activated, but well done for recognising that they're parts.

I don't know if this helps, but when I'm working with parts, it's very important for me to get permission from every protector part that's potentially involved before going near an exile. This may take a few days, but it means that my protectors are less likely to get activated. Please ignore this thought if it's not helpful, it's just what occurred to me when I read your post.

[kdke]

sanmagic7: Thanks so much! I had a couple slices of key lime pie to celebrate lol. 

I don't know if this helps, but when I'm working with parts, it's very important for me to get permission from every protector part that's potentially involved before going near an exile. This may take a few days, but it means that my protectors are less likely to get activated. Please ignore this thought if it's not helpful, it's just what occurred to me when I read your post.

This is very helpful because I know when reading Self Therapy, my partner and I can feel a lot of exiles and just want to jump to them. I don't want to speak for my partner, because I am getting a feeling she wishes to approach these situations differently--but for me, I know that if I try to rush to my exiles because I feel them and know what they're expressing, I can be met with resistance, especially from my protectors. So definitely, I hear you on that one. I understand now why when I feel blended with an exile, it can be so incredibly hard to feel compassion, calmness, and connection to them.

*****

Well, my birthday has ended on a bit of a sad note: the incident that I wrote about in my last entry, along with its second conversation, has left my partner feeling a bit despondent. She wants to be left alone to work out her feelings and come to a better headspace, and I respect that.

This isn't the first time she and I have had this kind of conversation, where she expresses a kind of hopelessness when my parts are activated and start flooding me with a lot of thoughts and emotions. But from what I've gathered in our last conversation is that maybe there is a need for boundaries between her and me regarding mental distress and monitoring those moments.

I understand the feeling of watching a loved one become upset and not being able to stop it. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. But what I've learned from so many of those encounters is that I can't save anyone from themselves. I can stand with them, be with them as they come to a better place, but I appreciate the boundary of not being the one to save them from the depths of themselves. I don't think that's healthy, as I've tried to do that for others and they for me, and it's always ended in despair and bitterness.

When Linda was talking to me about how she felt when I got upset by certain topics, she said things that really suggested that she had some urge to pull me out of these "dark places," and not being able to do so made her feel really distressed.

I listened to her, and I told her, "I understand that as my partner, it really upsets you to see me experience my emotions and thoughts the way I do when I'm distressed about something. I get it--I feel it, too, and part of my distress is knowing you're there to watch it happen. It hurts me a lot to know you see me in those moments. I want to say that I'm in the process of allowing myself to feel these emotions without attempting to silence them, repress them, or hating them, and through IFS, I'm learning to do this in a healthier way. It's going to take time and patience.

"As far as I'm concerned, all of that is my responsibility and not yours. I don't want you to feel like you have to pull me out of anything. I appreciate you being here with me, to wait with me as I process my feelings and internal dialogues, but it's not your job to make it right and I don't feel it would ever be right for me to give you that job. I have to learn how to do these things myself, and it's a terrible struggle. It's already so hard to look at my emotions and thoughts and let them exist without hating them, but I know it's the best way for me to heal.

"So all I ask you to do is just give me patience and trust me to do what's best for me, and to allow me to process my feelings instead of constantly trying to avoid them. If you don't want to talk about certain things because you think they'll make me upset, and that worries you, I understand. You tell me it's because you don't want to see me hurt, but I'm realizing that in order for me to get through the pain, I have to feel it and accept it for what it is. I have to listen to it, not do everything I can to avoid it. I can't do that anymore, I'm done trying to reject my parts."

I told her I loved her and that I know she's on my side, and that I will always be a partner willing to work on herself so that she can work on the relationship. I want this relationship, and I want Linda to be in it with me. That's all extremely important to me.

But I knew she was exhausted, because she and I had a tense conversation, trying to communicate and clarify our stances on things. She was crying, I was crying (but trying not to because my crying part and I don't have a good connection right now lol. Working on it!), and it was a lot.

I don't know where she stands; she said she needs time to rest and is happy to talk about things tomorrow. I just hope she feels ok tomorrow. It's all hard stuff, and I'm still processing things, myself.