kdke's journal, part .o2

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a rough patch. i'm rooting for the two of you.

by the by, key lime is my absolute favorite!  glad you celebrated!  love and hugs - hope everything smooths out as quickly as possible.

[kdke]

sounds like a rough patch. i'm rooting for the two of you.

by the by, key lime is my absolute favorite!  glad you celebrated!  love and hugs - hope everything smooths out as quickly as possible.

I appreciate your hopes for me and my partner. We were able to smooth things over, thankfully. It seems like some things were being miscommunicated between us; I offered some boundaries regarding focusing on the different IFS book and also doing the exercises separately, and my partner got really activated and took this as me shutting her out. She really panicked and even started to fear that I was closing her out for good  Poor girlfriend.

She was also very defensive about these feelings, and I was hearing a part coming from her that was blaming me for all of the distress we've been going through for the past few days. My protectors wanted to throw down the hammer on this, but I realized that my partner was just really triggered, and I clarified my intentions with her. I felt that it was important for us to do the exercises on our own times so each other's parts are not dictating/interjecting/objecting against parts that they don't like--so we can allow our parts to have a safe space to come forward and express themselves in healthy ways without any of the extra conflict.

I offered that to see how my partner felt about it, and I watched her visibly relax and start to smile. She just felt so much better and relieved that I wasn't coming from a place of closing off, but from trying to protect one another in this process so we can grow and be happy together. My intention was to establish healthy boundaries, not create brick walls or obstacles. She told me that she wanted to honor that boundary with me and felt it was a good idea, and that we would explore this new IFS text together, since it was made more for couples, anyway. It seemed more relevant to us, and safer to explore right now with everything we're healing from.

I facetimed her earlier today and she was still sleeping; she hasn't been sleeping well for the past two days because of the conversations we've been having, but now she's finally resting. Makes me happy.

[Not Alone]

Sounds like you did a good job of communicating your thoughts and intentions. 

[kdke]

Last few days have been hard for me. With the pandemic, the feelings of uncertainty, instability, and not having my partner with me, I just feel as though it's amplifying all those parts that represent those things.

My partner has been telling me that I've been bringing this bad juju into the relationship, and treating her love harshly. She feels like I'm trying to trigger this self-fulfilling prophecy of ruining the relationship, and that she keeps on giving to me, and that I'm just shutting her out. She feels as though I'm treating her like someone I can't trust, and that my struggles are my own fault right now.

I can't say I blame her for feeling that way, and I certainly don't want her to feel like I need her to chase me or save me. Tbh, there have been times where I wish she'd leave me alone about it and just let me process. I also just wish she was here, but like... not bothering me as I try to sort out my feelings lol. If that makes sense.

I usually don't cry on my own; my parts won't let me most of the time, to just let go and let the tears roll. But right now, I just find myself crying, I feel so badly. I can admit that I misunderstand things when I'm not in a part that allows me to interpret things well, but has it all been that bad? The conversation between me and my partner only settled down once I was like, "You're right, I need to step things up with helping myself and this is my fault. You've not contributed to this and I need to fix that. I'm sorry." Only then has the topic finally settled down. She accepted that response and is enforcing it.

And perhaps it all is just my fault. I feel very alone right now in how I'm struggling, and wondering whether I've been this horribly problematic partner dragging my girlfriend down weighs super heavily on me. I never wanted this; I just feel depressed and scared, and so lonely.

I'm seeing that there's a part of me that also doesn't want to be alone in this blame; I can tell it's been there for a while, and is covering an exile that honestly just blames herself for everything, including destroyed relationships. She carries actual memories of people blaming her for failed relationships that weren't even hers, or of trying to destroy relationships in general. She's been called a "plague," a disappointment, and told if she had only done A or B, these terrible things might've not happened. It's all her fault that people are unhappy and feel broken, it's her fault that people can't feel loved or stable. All her fault, she always makes bad decisions, she's always to blame for these things.

This protector shielding it is just like, "NO. It's either your fault AND the other person, or it's just their fault!" It's like... if I'm going to be blamed, this part wants to make sure I'm not the only one getting thrown down this pit.

I know this protector is blended with me right now, and I am having a hard time unblending with it because I can feel it still wanting to look at my partner and find blame in her actions. It's desperately afraid of letting go, of allowing the Self to accept that maybe I am at fault here and just need to take responsibility for that.

Or... even if I'm not 100% at fault, to be ok with just stepping down and taking care of what I can. Let it be--if someone wants to say it's all our fault, then fine. Let it be; after all, we can only do what it's truly in our control to do, regardless of the truth.

*****

I was able to unblend with this part enough to connect with it and come to a better place. I was able to get an image for this protector--she looks like me, but she glows this lovely golden color. Her hands are always out in a gesture of wanting to give me something and she just says, "It's not your fault. You're good, and it's not your fault. Please don't think this is your fault."

I was able to connect with her a bit more, let her know that I'm not as vulnerable as I was many years ago, but that I think she's beautiful and I'm so incredibly grateful for her. She's worked so hard to protect me from accusations, from lies meant to make me seem like a bad person, or from being hurt by others trying to blame me for things that are just not mine to own. She's been this golden, radiant protector coming forth to stand up for me, to make sure I'm safe and that I never believe that I'm bad and destructive and a monster. She believed in me, for so so long, and she's tired. I see her wearing a crown, way too heavy for her, but she's like a queen--a mighty guardian within the realm that's my system.

Even though I've unblended with her a little, to just connect with her a bit, she still holds her hands out to me, wanting me to believe her and not tear myself apart. Other times, when unblended, it seems like she doesn't know what to do and just stands there, confused. There's a lot to work on as far as connecting with the exile behind her and then finding her a new way to function, but I'm so glad she knows the Self is there and is willing to communicate. At first, she wasn't sure and hesitated; but now, there's some trust, and I'm so happy about that.

[sanmagic7]

hey, kdke,

from what you wrote, )and this is just my impression, so if it doesn't work for you, please ignore, ok?) it sounds like both you and your partner are working on issues, both personally and in the relationship.  that can always put a strain on the relationship in and of itself, and i've seen it too many times where people begin pointing fingers and accusing, shifting the blame.  actually, this was a little confusing to me because it seemed like you two had resolved an issue, then it started up again?

at any rate, in any relationship, there is usually something that both people could have done differently, including basic communication of what they need, want, or are looking for.  with wounded people, there will probably be barriers of some kind, walls of distrust and protection, that don't allow for true vulnerability.  in my experience, both people often add something to the problem, and that's what is important to realize and take responsibility for.

rarely is it all one person's fault.  we've been trained, tho, to acquiesce, to shoulder the blame for the sake of peace in the relationship, but it leaves us with a bad taste in our mouth, so to speak.  that sounds like what you're going thru right now.  just my opinion, of course.

i do hope the two of you get thru all the mish mash in this. keep hanging in, ok?  standing with you, my dear.  sending a hug filled with love and clarity.

[kdke]

hey, kdke,

from what you wrote, )and this is just my impression, so if it doesn't work for you, please ignore, ok?) it sounds like both you and your partner are working on issues, both personally and in the relationship.  that can always put a strain on the relationship in and of itself, and i've seen it too many times where people begin pointing fingers and accusing, shifting the blame.  actually, this was a little confusing to me because it seemed like you two had resolved an issue, then it started up again?

at any rate, in any relationship, there is usually something that both people could have done differently, including basic communication of what they need, want, or are looking for.  with wounded people, there will probably be barriers of some kind, walls of distrust and protection, that don't allow for true vulnerability.  in my experience, both people often add something to the problem, and that's what is important to realize and take responsibility for.

rarely is it all one person's fault.  we've been trained, tho, to acquiesce, to shoulder the blame for the sake of peace in the relationship, but it leaves us with a bad taste in our mouth, so to speak.  that sounds like what you're going thru right now.  just my opinion, of course.

i do hope the two of you get thru all the mish mash in this. keep hanging in, ok?  standing with you, my dear.  sending a hug filled with love and clarity.

I appreciate your insight so much. This conflict started regarding something that my partner and I haven't been engaging in, and I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable even approaching the topic. Basically... long-distance intimacy lol. She's a high-drive person, and I'm not. As well, parts of my past trauma surround prolonged periods where s**ual trauma existed on the internet, and so cyber intimacy--of any kind--makes me feel kinda gross. It taps into a part of me that goes into a child-like headspace, one that is trying ti appease an adult's desires, and yiiiiikes it is a terrible part to be in!

I explained this to her and I also told her, "I know this has nothing to do with you, and I have no intention of projecting that onto you. It's just that this is an avenue of intimacy that has a lot of complexity and bad feelings for me, and maybe I need to work on that. For now, I can't offer that to you, and I'm very sorry because I know this part of you is really important. I wish I can honor that better in these circumstances."

Tbh, I think the way she responded to me kind of upset me. It felt a bit inconsistent, and almost a little passive-aggressive... even though I truly don't believe she was trying to be that way, if that makes sense.

She said, "You're right, I don't want to be judged or treated like those that harmed your psyche," and also, "it may never be something that you can put behind you"; but then would say she'd never force me to do something that would put me in those headspaces, and that it's not actually important for her that I can't connect with her in this way.

I guess a part of me just really felt a little backhanded by it, even though it's like I said--I don't think she meant it to be. It just made me wonder if some part of her thinks that by my getting stuck in trauma reactions, I'm somehow treating her like the one who inflicted it upon me? It's really not the first time this has happened between us, me trying to enforce that I don't believe, for one second, that my trauma reactions have anything to really do with her. I am aware enough to understand, even in the moment, that something she might say or do can trigger an EF, but that she herself isn't the issue. I don't ever feel that way about her.

However, a part of me really picks up on this energy from her that is taking it really personally, and I start to feel extremely badly about that because yeah--I have cPTSD and certain things are going to hit me in visceral ways. I'm doing much better, but I still have periods where it just hits extra hard.

Then there is this struggle of trying to connect with her about certain things that she doesn't appreciate being done, but then she will sometimes do the same thing to me. Such as, assuming each other's needs. I will sometimes feel very unworthy (again, there's honestly nothing she does that makes me feel this way; it's just my cPTSD) and I will distance myself because I don't feel like I deserve to offer intimacy, or I might be afraid my partner doesn't want it from me. For her, she takes this as me assuming what she needs or wants, and me taking choice away from her. It triggers her very badly, and I try to honor that by being more clear about why I might not always feel right about offering it.

But like, a few months ago, she interpreted me as wanting to be alone, and just left my apartment even though I kept telling her that I didn't want her to go lol. And when I brought it up and I was like, "So like... that really was the same idea. You took away my choice in that moment. I was upset, even though I even told you I was going to be ok and wanted you be there, but you kept denying me that and left anyway. Which it would've been one thing if it was just about you NOT wanting to be there, but it wasn't. You told me you left because you assumed I didn't want you there, and you decided to make that choice for me to leave, regardless of what I was saying to you."

It really seemed like she either didn't understand it was the same thing, or she didn't want to own it. I think she and I struggle a lot with being told that we're sometimes inconsistent. I also think that, because she is 12 years older than I am, there is this air of, "I'm older than you and therefore have gone through these things and know better" mindset she will go into. I get it and definitely agree she has more experience than I do at many things, but it sometimes feels a bit patronizing, and I worry that it sometimes shuts down connection and listening.

There's just some things getting lost in translation in our conversations that I'm having to look over in order to understand. A lot of these conversations are happening over private messages, so I can revisit them--and I really only allow myself to do that when the intention to interpret and empathize is clear enough inside me. I always want to make sure I see things within correct context, rather than cherry pick. So I look over the conversations to help me process them (thank goodness for them being written down, in that case, though we tend to have most of our conversations in facetime), and I'm seeing these hiccups where we are not connecting very well during conflict.

She will complain that she has to explain herself at times because she feels I'm misunderstanding, which is fair; but it's said with the caveat of her not wanting to have to do this because it makes her feel like my misunderstanding is a form of distrust against her. And so for me, that sends a message of needing to always understand what she's saying the first time around, lest she feels like I just don't trust her and that will cause conflict, and therefore it will be my fault? I guess for me, I can anticipate that I might not understand something and interpret it incorrectly, but it has nothing to do with how I actually feel about that person. And I also try to take into consideration that my own headspace can make understanding a bit difficult.

I also start to get upset when this is brought up, because I will also have to clarify myself a lot with her, because she sometimes misunderstands what I'm saying, too. And for me, I will get frustrated by this sometimes, but I don't see this has her distrusting me. I either chalk it up to, "I must not be explaining myself well, so I'm going to try again," or, "she's obviously triggered and so I'm going to attempt to explain this differently." I don't come at it from an angle of thinking her misinterpretation of my words has to do something with me as a person. I'm not sure if she's aware that, that's how I view her misunderstandings, though.

I just... argh lol. I love her a whole bunch and I know these things are just part of a partnership. For the most part, I put these recent conflicts into the context that this pandemic sucks and it really is eating up at people's mental health. For many of us, it's bringing up a lot of trauma--I do believe I'm on that boat. Overall, I think my partner is an amazing person who's done a lot of work for herself and her state of mind; at the same time, I'm noticing some things that really need resolving between us because I don't want to keep carrying those barriers throughout the entirety of she and I being together. We ain't perfect, and while I don't think she believes she is for a single second, I think sometimes she projects and doesn't always realize when she's doing it. Don't we all lol.

[sanmagic7]

wow, kdke - there's a lot of stuff going on here!  sounds like you both get triggered by something the other says, make assumptions, and take actions based on those assumptions.  sounds like there are unresolved issues on both sides, especially when it comes to relationships.  have you ever considered couples counseling?  no need to answer if you don't want - just a thought.  i know it's not something that can probably be done right now, but for the future?

i think wanting someone to do something they're not comfortable with, and trying to manipulate them in some way - it sounds like her messages to you about it are inconsistent to me, too, which can be confusing.  and, yeah, i see passive-aggressive as well.  whether she means it or not, it's happening, and that's not a good thing for either of you.  does she acknowledge her issues in relationships?  again, you don't have to answer, just something to think about.

it was also a red flag to me that she brings up the age and 'more experience' stuff to you, like she's holding a superiority thing over your head.  i've had lots of experience with relationships, both professionally and personally, and there are still things i can learn, still mistakes i make.  that kind of statement, to me, can cause self-doubt in you, which is not a good thing, either.

i think you're doing a good job, my dear, hang in there.  i hope you're not being intimidated in this relationship.  you've been working on your issues, you acknowledge where you want to do more work, and you're being kind and patient about her issues.  i hope she can find her way to being kind and patient about yours.  love and hugs, my dear.

[kdke]

wow, kdke - there's a lot of stuff going on here!  sounds like you both get triggered by something the other says, make assumptions, and take actions based on those assumptions.  sounds like there are unresolved issues on both sides, especially when it comes to relationships.  have you ever considered couples counseling?  no need to answer if you don't want - just a thought.  i know it's not something that can probably be done right now, but for the future?

i think wanting someone to do something they're not comfortable with, and trying to manipulate them in some way - it sounds like her messages to you about it are inconsistent to me, too, which can be confusing.  and, yeah, i see passive-aggressive as well.  whether she means it or not, it's happening, and that's not a good thing for either of you.  does she acknowledge her issues in relationships?  again, you don't have to answer, just something to think about.

it was also a red flag to me that she brings up the age and 'more experience' stuff to you, like she's holding a superiority thing over your head.  i've had lots of experience with relationships, both professionally and personally, and there are still things i can learn, still mistakes i make.  that kind of statement, to me, can cause self-doubt in you, which is not a good thing, either.

i think you're doing a good job, my dear, hang in there.  i hope you're not being intimidated in this relationship.  you've been working on your issues, you acknowledge where you want to do more work, and you're being kind and patient about her issues.  i hope she can find her way to being kind and patient about yours.  love and hugs, my dear.

sanmagic7: thanks for having this conversation with me. I'll be sure to think about your suggestions and questions; it really helps me to just sit on something and process without ruminating too harshly. I'm in a much better state of mind now.

And I really appreciate your making sure I'm not being intimidated by my partner. The answer is that I truly don't feel intimidated by her. For me, I look at all of the miscommunication and struggles as frustrating (sometimes almost infuriating! lol), but I have never been in a situation where I felt powerless, or like my partner was trying to take my power away from me.

I think it's a case of  her and me not having all the tools yet to nonviolently communicate with each other--and sometimes not even be aware that we're having that issue! I think for her, knowing her as well and intimately as I do now, she's doing the very best she can. I know that she loves me so incredibly much--yet, we both obviously carry with us wrong perceptions about relationships and what it means to communicate, empathize, genuinely listen, and honor each other's experiences.

I know that I still struggle with those things, coming from a background where I didn't have the courtesy of being given those gifts, and then not knowing how to reciprocate for a very long time in any sense. My partner comes from relationships where she was either terribly abused and gaslighted, or just neglected and gaslighted. Same with me in different situations, so in a way, it makes sense that we both sometimes carry those tendencies. It's all we knew for long periods in our lives.

But it's like I said--I don't think she intends to do anything like that, and so when I hear inconsistencies in her words and see them in her actions, I have a lot of confidence that these things are most likely trauma-related and so I'm wondering how to approach that as her partner. Just like she tries to with me, but yeah lol.

Anyway, I'm just rambling, and I'm sure you know exactly what I mean by all my rambling lol.

I had a thought earlier today about how I could possibly approach her with this kind of conversation. Since the conflicts surrounding these things are usually based on the idea of projecting trauma and concerns regarding treating her like past toxic people, I wonder if there's a way to shift the focus and let her know that I'm just speaking to her in the moment. That I'm not seeing her as a toxic person, or someone I can't trust; rather, I'm just speaking directly to her, the person I love and actually trust a whole bunch, and want to continue being vulnerable with. I feel like the whole, "Kdke is getting triggered by past trauma and past abusers" has become so strong in the narrative between her and me that it might be part of the issue here, if that makes sense?

Like, "Yeah, I'm triggered, but right now, I'm in the present and I want to speak to you, my present partner, and focus on current circumstances." I'm not sure, but I'm going to think on it a bit more. I feel like there's a disconnect there somewhere. Hmm.

[kdke]

Journaling while it's still new in my mind: I was able to find a therapist that does IFS, and we did a session this morning.

This new T is fantastic. She's younger and has a newer practice, but she's super sharp and seems very well-versed in IFS. We connected really well and she helped me a lot to interpret and connect with my own parts more effectively.

I talked a little about why I'm in therapy and what I'm working on--pretty much put into context my CSA, and even SA during my teen years and early 20s. I told her things I was feeling and thinking within my partnership, and we just started engaging.

I think I figured out what my disconnect was with how to communicate with my partner, as this was discovered in my session this morning. My new T was hearing two protector parts coming to the forefront; one was carrying this message of, "I want to be heard, made valid, and I am competent and can understand things," and then there was another part that was saying, "We don't want to offend, this is our problem, maybe things are not so bad, let's not put this out into the universe and burden people."

They've been conflicting, but ultimately are protecting the same exile. This exile being one that is burdened with feelings of being stupid, not understanding, having taken on so much criticizing and gaslighting that, that's all she knows of herself. And when she floods me with her feelings, my Inner Critic protector tries really hard to put her back in her place. Learning to love my Inner Critic is hard, but from what my T and I discovered--she doesn't get as mean as she used to, which means she's learning to trust the Self a bit more.

So these two protector parts have the same goal but are kind of tugging back and forth with each other. My "I understand and want to be heard" protector is very loud and tries to drown out my "We don't want to offend/share our burden" part, and vice versa. As my T said, "They're a package deal because they are protecting the same exile. You can't have one without the other, and so we can find a way to help them work together. They're like twins."

My T really helped me to figure out how to listen to them better, pay attention to feelings and be patient (mindfulness! lol). She then recommended You Are the One You've Been Waiting For--which I've already read the first chapter and my T was pleased to hear that. She wants me to reread the first chapter and just allow myself to experience and feel. She mentioned that I obviously have very opinionated parts and to allow these parts to converse freely without judgment--and listen to what they have to say with empathy and compassion.

She then checked in with my two protector parts that I just talked about. She said, "So, how do these parts feel about reading this book, and maybe having a conversation about what the book is about? If you allowed them both to have an equal platform without one getting outweighed over the other, how does that make them feel?"

I thought for a moment and just let these parts' emotions come and go, listened and then told my T, "Well, my 'I want to be heard and be competent' part was just saying, 'YES. Yes, I can do that and that's what I've been wanting this whole time' the entire time you were talking, haha. My 'I don't want to offend' part was a little hesitant at first, saying things like, 'I don't know if this is a good idea. I'm worried this will give us weird ideas and we might make poor choices.' But once you said that each of them will have a voice without getting drowned out, this protector relaxed and was like, 'Oh... ok, I think I can do that. I'll give it a shot, as long as my perspective is being heard.'"

It felt really good to listen and help these parts express themselves. THEY felt good about it lol, and really relaxed. I feel trust building between me and these parts, though I can still feel some hesitance from my "I don't want to offend" protector. She and I are still a little shaky, but I'm not feeling that with my "I understand and want to be heard" part. I'm guessing it's because she's always been a very loud part for me, and has had different strategies in my life in order to always have a voice. As well, I really appreciate her spunk and so I think that helps a lot lol. As for her "twin," I'm learning to give her space and compassion. She's had it rough, has also blended with me strongly many times over, but I have other parts that see her as weak. That's no good, even though I can understand why my other parts might feel that way.

She isn't weak--she's actually very empathetic, considerate, and tries very hard to be respectful of other's feelings. She doesn't want to impose, and never wants to cross that line with anyone. I actually really love her, and she's really looked out for me and for those she cares about. We just need more balance, and I want her and her "twin" to get along better lol.

[sanmagic7]

hey, kdke, so very glad you found a t that you can connect with!  that's wonderful! 

sounds like it's a very good fit for you and all you're experiencing right now.  i have no doubt things are going to change for the better.  interesting how those parts can be different, yet trying to do the same job, only in their own way.  well done!   love and hugs, my dear.

[Three Roses]

Yes, well done! 

[Not Alone]

Glad you found a therapist who is trained in IFS and with whom you felt a connection.

[kdke]

Blugh, I feel like I've been hibernating lol. Sleeping a lot, just getting through each week as well as I can.

Been dealing with parts feeling a little out of control, scared, and worried. Parts feeling super lonely; it's just me and the cats in my place. My partner doesn't live with me.

But recently, I have made connection with my angry child part that has been really making a lot of noise. He (to me, I see an image of a little boy, maybe 2 or 3, when I visualize this part) has been so incredibly angry, confused, and alone. Poor guy... he was up in arms, and in my system just crashing around, screaming and stomping. Unable to say what he needed or wanted.

I meditated for a while and connected to Self enough to talk to my angry part. I wanted to write a letter to him and check in some more--let him know that I'm still here and watching out for him.

*****

Hey big guy,

How's it going? I've been thinking about you, wondering how you're handling everything that's been going on for the past couple of weeks. It's a lot to handle, huh? What are you feeling? What do you make of all of it? It's ok if you don't have words for those feelings right now.

You know, for me... I'm just so thankful to get to know you and have you close by. You're so full of energy and fun. You remind me of how strong and BIG I can be. You're just so awesome and brave, and I can see how you've been trying so hard to show me that. Dang... thank you for doing that. That means a lot to me.

I just want you to know, my big guy--you know who's there for you? Me. I am, and I always will be. You're so important to me and that'll never change. I know you and I haven't always be friends, but that's ok, right? There's always room for a new friend, and I'm glad we can be friends. SO glad. It makes me so happy to talk to you, and know that you're there.

And since I'm your friend, I'm always going to do my best to help you when you need it. Like, when you feel like you can't say something but really need to say it. Tell me, big guy. Tell me, and I will help you say that thing. Tell me when you're angry, you're confused, or when you're sad. Tell me when you just need to shake off some energy, scribble it out.

We can take deep breaths together and throw our fists to the sky. I will sit and listen when you need to cry and show me how angry you feel. I'm right here, big guy. You do what you need to do, ok? I'm not going to ask you to change. You're just right for me. When we can be friends and talk to each other, we can work through the feelings and scary stuff together. I believe in you, and I believe in us. Never alone, never again. I got you. I love you. I'm going to help you. Friends help friends.

Love, your Self.

[sanmagic7]

lovely connection you made with that angry child part, kdke.  it sounded very soothing and reassuring to me.  i hope it did to him as well.

keep taking care of you.  and the cats.  we'll get thru this together.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

It warms my heart to hear the compassion that you have for the angry part.