kdke's journal, part .o2

[kdke]

sanmagic7: thank you for your words <3 yes, my angry child part and I have been doing a lot better. He's been feeling calmer, though sometimes I feel him coming to the forefront from time to time. It's not as intense as it has been in the past.

notalone: it's a compassion I haven't been able to give him for a very long time due to parts who were afraid to do so. I'm thankful my parts have allowed space for that.

Speaking of my angry child part--I had my therapy session earlier today and my T and I did some more involved parts work. Since my last session, my T has noticed a part coming to the front and talking about fairness, of wanting to be heard, and carrying a lot of frustration and anger around needing to feel validated.

This part has been very vocal for several days now, and I've been journaling everything I could about this part was telling me. I started to identify this part as my Outraged part, because she seems very spicy, very forward about her upset feelings, and has a strong need to be acknowledged. My T and I discovered that she's actually a protector--she protects my angry child exile. However, we still don't know if she's just a protector or a firefighter; since she's a part of me that's wanting to interact, we're going to continue being curious with her and exploring her needs.

The alarming thing, though, is when my T asked me to check in with my parts and visualize what they were doing. When she asked me this, I felt like I had about 4 different parts activated lol. I told her, "Well, my Outraged part is like crossing her arms and shrugging. Like, 'I've said what I needed to say.' I have my equalizing part who is confused and doesn't know what to do with the information the Outraged part expressed. She just wants to find balance. I have a third part that seems completely disassociated and giving up on the whole situation; I just envisioned this part wrapping themselves in a blanket and lying down on a couch."

My T asked me what my angry child exile was doing and I said, "Well... he's just chilling out in the corner, but it's weird... it's like he has his back to the other parts, and he's coloring on a piece of paper. Minding his own business. He's calm because the older parts are."

My T said, "Is he calm because the protectors are, or are the protectors calm because he is?"

I was like, "Both? He seems quiet, but he's also listening. Like, there's definitely some part of him that's hypervigilant. I don't think he would be calm if the protectors got upset. But if he gets upset, my Outraged part would be scrambling. She would definitely be upset."

That made me really sad. Though I'm not surprised that I would have a part that has attachment issues, especially a child part.

[kdke]

I keep wanting to say this in such a way where it sounds like a mutual thing, but I'm realizing that it is... and kind of isn't.

Anyway, I ended my relationship with Linda. It wasn't mutual in the moment, but it was something she and I have both entertained at different points in the relationship, for the past couple of months. But ultimately, I decided it had to end.

From an IFS perspective, I have parts that are reacting in different ways to this. Mostly, my teen part is both glad we ended it and also seething with some resentful, questions, and doing a good job at realizing all the weird things that happened between me and Linda regarding stuff said and done.

I have another part that is just sad and sometimes left feeling like this is just proof that we're not meant to be with someone; that we're dangerous, or damaged, too broken. I'm not sure if this is my critical part, or just another exile. She is feeling very alienated, othered, and alone right now. Other parts feel badly for her, and uncomfortable.

The last week has been hard for my parts, as the breakup between me and Linda took a while for my system to process. Some parts also felt shame around this because initially, they weren't as distressed about the breakup as Linda was. My system was first very sure about it and just done with everything that kept happening between me and Linda, and so the breakup came as a relief and a necessary.

But now, my parts miss Linda a lot, wish things had happened differently, and also my critical part is just creating a storm every once in a while between herself and other parts. Parts wondering if Linda will ever understand where we were coming from, but then realizing it doesn't really matter and that our reasons are not any more or less valid regardless of Linda's POV. My teen part also keeps doing a pep talk saying, "Our version of ourselves is more important than anyone else's version. Even though Linda's perspective of us isn't invalid, we are the ones that matter more when it comes to who knows us best."

And then parts wanting to better understand and empathize with Linda's POV, not wanting to shut out her experiences. But it's been a battle because during my last conversation with Linda, she said things that left my system feeling very confused, startled, and hurt; Linda's words implied an understanding of me that I don't relate to at all, and that left me feeling very disconnected from her.

I have a part that also wonders if this disconnect has to do with Linda possibly projecting old trauma onto us, because the things she said were very confusing. Either way, it's left me with feeling sad and even a little resentful. I've fought with Linda before about many things, usually regarding intentions and behaviors. For me, I have an understanding of intent and behaviors where I know the two don't always line up; for me, this is due to my own experiences surrounding my mental health and watching others struggle with their own. Intention can be one thing, but actions sometimes don't always reflect that. It happens, and from my POV, they don't necessarily invalidate each other. It's just complicated.

For Linda, she has expressed to me that she believes her actions always reflect her intentions. This became a hot debate between me and her when my parts got brave enough to express some discomfort around Linda's actions regarding my mental health progress, because we felt like Linda was pressuring us to make choices and use resources, rather than letting us come to those conclusions on our own time.

This really upset Linda and she kept thinking that I was accusing her of having bad intentions because I was saying behavior made me uncomfortable--even though I kept explaining to her that I completely understood that her intentions were to make sure I was happy and only wanted the best for me.

In the end, she projected this thinking onto me because my actions didn't meet her emotional needs; and for her, that meant my intentions were also problematic. For me, my intentions were wanting to be with her and be a good partner; at the same time, I was dealing with energy changes and trying to fit new things into my schedule (I'm starting to take Prozac every two weeks or so for PMDD, which has messed with my energy levels, and I'm also looking toward getting some volunteer hours in the psych field).

For her, this came across as me neglecting her, treating her as an after thought, and not actually wanting to be in the relationship. I didn't even have a say in these narratives, which caused my parts a lot of upset--my intent was decided for me, and then Linda gaslighted me when I got upset with her words as she said she was only telling me her "feelings." Which, those are not feelings--those are perceptions of my actions, and they imply things about me.

Either way, I'm sad, hurt, confused, and disappointed by all of it. My parts have felt alone in this relationship for a while now, and this fiasco has only confirmed those fears. This loneliness was discussed in therapy; my therapist and I came to an understanding that my parts, due to complex trauma and attachment style, that it's difficult for my system to feel like anyone outside of my system really understands how we operate. This has been a long-standing struggle.

I realize that Linda had needs that--because of how my parts connect to themselves, others, and the world around them [and not form the stigmatizing POV of being mentally ill, as Linda had tried to squeeze me into that box before]--I just can't meet as a partner, and my parts are trying to figure out how to accept that. We can't meet everyone's needs, no matter how much we would like to, especially when those people mean a lot to us.

Linda tried to meet my needs, too, but from an angle that left me feeling a little uncomfortable. She decided to do her own reading on PTSD (which I tried to explain to her how that's a bit different from cPTSD, but she had a hard time accepting that), and then told me that she could only meet my need and understand me by reading about how my trauma manifested and making room for that. It was like... I get why she felt that way, but it also left me feeling a little weird, because it seemed as though Linda was just seeing me in a space where I had to be treated in a special way, and that I was taking up a lot of space. I didn't like it.

Anyway, I'm just rambling at this point. These thoughts keep swarming around my mind, and I'm not even sure what to say to Linda the next time I see her. I have parts that want to say something, but then other parts are just like, "Don't waste your breath--what's the point? She's decided how she sees you and we can't change that. That's not within our control. What are you trying to prove?"

I still care deeply about her; I want us to connect, but obviously that's a never-ending struggle.

[sanmagic7]

hey, kdke,

sorry about the breakup - i've had too many to count anymore, but i know they are sad, confusing, frustrating, often second-guessing is involved, and all kinds of other emotions.  it's just a messy time - there's probably grieving going on as well - and i hope you just get thru it as best you can.

that projection stuff can really be rough to work thru if both people aren't on the same page, aren't able/willing to see themselves in it.  as far as the intention part, my first thought was 'there are no absolutes in this'.  one doesn't necessarily align with the other.  we can have the best intentions, but our actions can cross someone's boundary without our knowing about it.  that doesn't make us deliberately trying to hurt the other person.  we don't always know where boundaries are, and that kind of thing can be a learning opportunity in a relationship.

one red flag for me was that she refused to listen to you about c-ptsd, and how it's different from ptsd.  those two traumatic systems aren't the same, and, as far as i'm concerned, it's a crucial difference. 

sending love and a hug filled with support and care while you're going through this.  i hope you can continue taking care of yourself as best you can, ok?   

[Not Alone]

That is a lot to process. Sounds confusing and full of emotion.

[kdke]

Had therapy today; I'm so thankful to have a therapist that's willing to have sessions with me on the weekends, as I'm working Monday through Friday right now. In a strange way, the pandemic helps with that, with being stuck at home and such.

My therapist really challenged my parts today, but not in an upsetting way. More like, my therapist is obviously very perceptive and could tell that I tend to speak A LOT from a part that tends to interpret other parts' needs, thoughts, and emotions for the external world.

So my therapist helped me to dive a little deeper by letting this part completely blend and talk. I didn't realize how much hesitation was there, but with some compassion and patience, this part came forth (a bit unsure and nervous) and connected with my T. This part is a huge protector in my system, and honestly blends with me most of the day; she communicates with everyone for parts, making sure she can say what parts are thinking and feeling as effectively as possible.

*, even just doing the dishes, this part takes a key role.

She's very afraid that the outside world will judge my parts, and so she works super hard to interpret and translate everything beforehand so as to protect the WHOLE system from anything that could cause harm to them. She's also afraid of allowing especially intense parts (particularly exiles) coming forth and flooding the system with pain. She's worried about the critical part when this happens, and she has a vast knowledge of all the parts--or at least, she is the first other part to know. She is everywhere, doing all the things.

She's also super tired, emotional, and very considerate. She cares about everyone and just wants our parts and other people to be ok. She doesn't know what it means to let other parts come forth and blend; that scares her, and because she's like this interpreter and gatekeeper for the whole system, she doesn't even know how to step back, or if it's possible.

I feel this part getting worried of even unintentionally getting in the way of other parts as they're trying to blend, as she's just such an essential protector.

It was very surprising, honestly. My T and I talked about this part and just how overwhelmed she feels and is every single day, trying to be this filter between my poor battered parts and the outside world.

I keep getting memories from her from where she felt a strong need to start taking a more prominent role in my system; particularly when I was around 18-19, and realizing how extreme and dysfunctional parts were becoming, and how much pain and disconnect was being created between myself and others as a result.

[Hope67]

Hi kdke,
I am sorry that your relationship broke up.  I hope you're doing ok.  I'm sorry I'm saying this relatively late, but I only just caught up with what you wrote in your diary.  Sending you a hug, if you want one 

Your therapy session sounds like it covered a lot of things.

Your therapist sounds supportive. 

Hope