I want to let go of the past, but how?

[saylor]

My brain seems unable to stop ruminating on things that have caused me pain, rage, and/or humiliation/rejection. It's making my life miserable. It feels like, short of a lobotomy or drugging myself into oblivion all day long, the only other "solution" is of the mind-over-matter sort, where it's up to me to "decide" to move on and put it all behind me. A lot of the self-help stuff I've come across seems to suggest that if I continue to suffer indefinitely, it must be because I enjoy playing the victim, and I'm just not trying hard enough, etc. Here's an example of what I'm talking about: https://psychcentral.com/blog/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on/

The suggestions in the article just felt flippant and facile to me, sort of like someone telling me, "Just become a millionaire!" as a solution proffered for my inability to pay my bills. The message in this (and other things I've read) almost make me feel shamed by my stuckness in past pain. Like it's all my fault that I'm in this situation. Sure... I realize that my life would be infinitely better if I was no longer affected by my painful past, and I realize that it will take some sort of doing on my part, but I have yet to learn of any actionable ways out of the abyss that truly work for me. Thought work (e.g., CBT, DBT techniques), radical self-compassion, and mindfulness all help a little bit, temporarily, but I still end up falling back into the old thought patterns despite what feels like much effort on my part... I'm so worn out and despondent anymore, I'm wondering whether there's hope for me. I don't "enjoy playing the victim" at all. It's downright miserable to go through life this way. 

Is there anyone here who suffered (long-term) from toxic ruminations about the past, but then found lasting relief? If so, I'd be keen to hear what worked for you. Maybe the ultimate question is, should we be able to control our thoughts and feelings? I can fully accept that I'm in control of my own behaviors and actions, but it's the thoughts/feelings that are causing me ongoing distress and I'm skeptical as to whether they're at all under my control. Should they be? What am I doing wrong that I can't magically, like the author advises, let go of the pain?

When I read articles like the one above, it makes me wonder whether my brain was simply too damaged by complex trauma to ever be ok, or whether maybe I'm just genetically too "unresilient" to ever get over the awful ruminations and live a tolerable life. Maybe (most) others can and I simply can't. How would I know?

So lost...

[woodsgnome]

Saylor, what you express here, for those of us on a similar trail of recurring pain and endless ruminations, seems far more typical than would ever be addressed by most self-help 'experts'. At least that's been my experience.

With some exceptions (two that come to mind are Pete Walker and Carolyn Spring, though there are a few others), many if not most self-help authors are living by marketing principles or consensus agreement, but certainly not by anything like the walk-the-talk sort shared by the two I just referred to.

As to the others, yes I've also cringed endlessly at suggestions that tilt more towards the always-blame-the-victim-first, mentality, often including plans or prescribed steps or workshop offerings (spending $$$ in the process) and all will be fine. I've tossed several books aside within the opening pages when the first step is invariably "forgive at all costs." Yet another helper who 1) never hit bottom with and 2) are the ultimate narcissists -- hiding behind the promise of help for those who can't help themselves. All they seem to really offer is a ha ha, for those who can't just spring up and be over it.

The ultimate insult I've run across is a certain author who was lauded by fellow self-helpers for coining the term "woundology" as her contribution to blame-the-victim talk.

Which leads me to the only sure thing I know of -- to somehow stay with the game, even enduring the 'experts' befuddled and market-oriented advice while constantly discerning what speaks to one's own heart. The bad part -- it seems to take forever to make one step forward. Still one is probably better than none.

I get rattled by this subject and better cut my rant down. But  for any of us, I don't feel we're too damaged to move ahead. The measuring stick of our progress might end up being fragmented and confusing, but at least it seems possible; maybe even surprising -- it has for me, even when it didn't seem I was making any headway and close to giving up.

Easy formulas don't seem to make it, at least they didn't for me. And while I'm far from satisfied that I've ever reached full stride, I have been able to find some different perspectives.

While I have specifics that have worked for me, I'd hesitate to lay them out in much detail as I know not all approaches make sense or work for other individuals. I'd love to acquire the magic wand that would make this different.

Alas, I want to offer at this --  a   --for you, Sayor, and for all of us wandering the trail out from our shattered lives.

[Phoebes]

Hi, Saylor,

I feel you. When the triggers, thoughts or ruminations start (daily) I then start thinking of these messages, like this triggering article. I was really stuck on these ideas for a long time, and can go back there if I let myself. I think now, even though I get stuck blaming myself as I was trained to do, I try to think about something I heard from Lisa Romano..and that's, when you start being hard on yourself, talk to yourself with compassion, such as "of course you feel triggered by ______."

I guess once you give yourself permission to feel how you feel, it takes the sting off of the trigger, and you can choose a new way of thinking about it moving forward. Not that it's a perfect solution, but it's been helping me soften these thoughts and rethink my thinking.

I feel like our big picture situation is not well-known by "professionals" in general, and then our unique situations are another level of really only understood by us, individually. It helps knowing others experience these things, but I still feel very alone in my experience. I'm constantly trying to frame this in a tolerable way, but I struggle with it all, too. Will I ever be able to relax and not be triggered? Will I ever be loved? Will I ever not be lonely? Will I ever be able to enjoy being around others without feeling anxious? I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe.

[Kizzie]

I went back to therapy recently for much the same reason Saylor.  So far we've figured out child and adult me have processed a lot of their pain and integrated it, but teen me is stuck.

In yesterday's session it became clearer to me that it's because I have not really accepted her and her anger or dealt with her losses and the pain she felt because her reactivity scares and threatens me.  If I let her out her anger threatens to bring down all sorts of rejection on me as it did growing up and in my young adult years.   

I have no idea if this is of any help but my take away from therapy so far is that she needs me to be  compassionate, loving, accepting of her, to let her know the anger was/is OK, that it sucks there was no-one there for her, and reassure her that we can work together to deal with the pain.   

One thing I read a while back that helps me to blow off those flippant & facile comments of "Just let it go" is  I don't live in the past, the past lives in me.  No-one would say this to a veteran now that PTSD is better known and accepted, and yet people often say it to us. It really upsets my teen and she is absolutely right.

Anyway I don't know if it's realistic to think we can let go of our trauma entirely. I think it might be more about how we can work through it so we're not as stuck in it and can live more 'comfortably' with it.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Saylor,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with ruminations.   I can totally relate, although mine are usually triggered by something happening in the here and now. 

When a rumination cycle starts it can be an absolute tailspin, and I feel like I have to hold on for dear life. They are truly awful things to endure. I am sending you a reassuring hug - this will pass.

I tend to think of my ruminations as some kind of EF. It is a case of, here we go again, this is gonna be painful and uncomfortable and I'm likely to be hurt and damaged some more.  Whatever situation I'm struggling with is just another layer of trauma, no matter how small.

I would say that had I not been so hurt and damaged (and abused) up to this point, then I wouldn't be triggered or ruminating.   But I have been scarred - emotionally and mentally wounded.  And that is totally not my fault.

This is not playing the victim, it is saying how things are. I don't think this is how it will always feel. I do manage bouts where I cope, but that depends on how triggered I get.  I also think being aware of how I am and learning about trauma makes it easier, and helps progress to recovery.

I try to be judicious in who I follow,  as snappy memes on the net can sound cool, but they're not necessarily accurate.   Even those I do follow post things I don't agree with, and I try to remember that just because they think that it might not be accurate - not easy I appreciate.   And if anyone constantly posts things at odds with how I feel, or that upsets me, I unfollow.

Not everyone understand the nature of trauma.  I truly believe that only those who have experienced it really can understand it.  How can someone, who hasn't undegone the repeated and ongoing problems that we have truly know what it is like?  I don't really care how many letters they have after their name, or what levels of qualifications they have.  A doctor will never know how painful a broken leg is until they experience one - their medical degree can only give them a textbook explanation.   The same applies to trauma - they don't truly know unless they've been through it. 

I, too, have seen articles about 'being a victim' or 'just snap out of it'.  These are very damaging.    They place blame and shame on us.  I would urge you to take no heed.  As long as it is not causing you harm  I'd pick and choose what you accept in the articles you reaf Not everyone has it right.

[saylor]

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. I've been mulling over your words and they've brought me some comfort, and new ideas

[Kizzie]

 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

i've often heard the 'let go and let god' quip in my 12-step recovery groups, couldn't figure out why i wasn't able to, and no one there was able to understand me, either. i finally realized that these types of sayings were for addictions, and c-ptsd is not an addiction.  it's no wonder nothing from other recovery programs didn't work - we weren't even on the same page!

i've also had major trouble with ruminations and unwanted thoughts.  one thing that helped me was saying 'stop stop stop!' in my mind when one of those would show its face.  EFT tapping was also suggested, but it hasn't helped me very much, altho it might help others.  i am finally seeing an EMDR therapist, and resolving some of the issues behind the ruminations has been helping me a lot.

don't know if any of this is helpful, but i agree w/ you that the whole 'just get over it' attitude is not helpful and feels quite dismissive of the actual problem.  i don't think it's cuz your brain is too damaged or you're not resilient enough - i think you've been wounded at some very deep levels, and those need to be looked at and healed.  this is not your fault, there's nothing wrong with you.  i do hope you find some help with this - honestly, this has been the very worst experience for me in trying to get myself whole.  sending love and hugs to you, saylor

[saylor]

It's astounding how alone and "in a deep, dark pit" I feel when my brain is revving on these terrible ruminations. I'm grateful to you guys for sharing on this topic, as it takes away some of that darkness and brings in light