Hoovering from Kiddos During Isolation

[JuniperShadow]

I'm not sure where to put this question.

I'm nearly 5 years No Contact with FOO.

I've got my DH, DS, and DD with me and am as happy as anyone could be during this strange era of Isolation.

But with them hearing about illness and death so much, I've started to get the "We want to see them before they are gone" hoovering from the kids.

We've discussed reasons before, but they remain persistent.

They've got me to a place where I am wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing.

I would love advice if anyone has some to give.

[Three Roses]

I think more info is needed before advice would be helpful. For instance, what are your parents like - were they violent? Is it possible they would take advantage of the situation and harm your kids?

IMO it also kind of depends on how old your children are. If they're very young, I'd say you'd probably need to hold the line.

But if they're older, like at least teenagers, I think I'd sit everyone down for a family discussion to see if a compromise can be reached.

Could your husband contact the parents, instead of you, and set up a video call?

I'm interested to hear the ideas of others and to hear updates on the situation.

[Blueberry]

My advice would honestly be to check our sister website OutOfTheFog e.,g.  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php#c2 or https://outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like/ Because this kind of stuff is discussed there pretty regularly.

In addition I agree with 3R that it depends very much on the age of your children. I'd also say no matter what age your children are: your well-being is super-important, as well as your level of comfort, e.g. if just the thought of FOO phoning and chatting to the children gives you the heebie-jeebies, then maybe your children need to write and send a card instead. I'm VLC with FOO but I wouldn't consider videoconferencing with any of my nieces or nephews (who are all under 14 yo) because it would just feel too dangerous. There will be reasons you went NC, it was undoubtedly not the result of some whim. I doubt you're doing the wrong thing. Do you have any reason to believe that your FOO has changed their behaviour?

I'd also think about how good your children and your H are with setting limits and boundaries? Are they going to protect you? Or leak information to FOO about you, even unwittingly? 

I would advise at least that you wait till after Easter. However you are or are not celebrating Easter this year, I would keep FOO out of it.

Edited to add: I'm sorry, I have the feeling I ended rather abruptly but I suddenly realised I had to prepare for a business call in 10 mins... oops. So I wish you all the best with this. If you like, let us know how you do. 

[Three Roses]

I doubt you're doing the wrong thing. Do you have any reason to believe that your FOO has changed their behaviour?

I'd also think about how good your children and your H are with setting limits and boundaries? Are they going to protect you? Or leak information to FOO about you, even unwittingly? 

[JuniperShadow]

My parents were violent, though their primary tactic was emotional abuse. They have even hurt one of the kids before (they are 6 and 9).

My kids don't understand. OF COURSE if I let them make contact my parents will cry and hug and shower them with gifts and affection.

Of course they will. Because they haven't seen them in half a decade.

But it doesn't erase everything they've done to me and to my husband. My brother says "they've changed" but I don't know how they possibly could have changed enough for me to let me put my kids in harms way.

I am open and honest with the kids about (most) of what I experienced growing up. They know there was yelling, hitting, and namecalling. But they are kids so they do those things all the time on the playground and their teachers say to apologize and forgive. It's not remotely the same thing but they are kids and don't have a good point of reference.

I am in the states, so we're not even opening the door for Easter. So there can't be any contact right now anyway.

But will I really regret not letting them get together before my parent die? I would have said definitely NO a year ago, but the kids are so sweet and they don't have any idea what kind of monsters they are asking after.

[JuniperShadow]

I'd also think about how good your children and your H are with setting limits and boundaries? Are they going to protect you? Or leak information to FOO about you, even unwittingly?

It won't even be unwitting. We are very open communicators in my household. I am 100% certain they will ask whether things I have told them are true or tell parents things I've said. My kids will think they can "fix" this. Because often in life they can help two people get along again after a fight. They don't understand the magnitude of this kind of constant wearing down.

[Kizzie]

It's not easy being a parent and sometimes having our children not understand why we're doing something, or in this case not doing something like letting them visit their GPs is what's needed. You've explained but they are on the young side for taking in the import of what you're telling them. 

It's likely they will as they mature though so perhaps keep talking to them about why you won't allow them to see their GPs. Forgiveness doesn't mean you leave yourself open to more harm. At some point they will get this and that you did what you did to keep them and you safe and healthy.

[Three Roses]

Tbh at 6 and 9 I wouldn't let my parents anywhere near them, in your situation.

[Not Alone]

they don't have any idea what kind of monsters they are asking after.

That says a lot. As parents, we often set boundaries that our children don't understand. It isn't easy, but we want to keep our children safe.

[JuniperShadow]

Thank you, everyone. I think I just needed a reality check. 

[Kizzie]