When you're frightened

[OceanStar]

I just need to get this out. I hope that's OK.

Nobody gets it.
I feel so alone. Always alone. I was so scared.
Little me was so scared. It's like someone continually pressing repeat.

Nothing can make it better.

I have connected more pieces of the puzzle and it hurts so much.
I don't want any of this. I know it wasn't my fault back then and I was little but my world spiralling now is my fault. I just can't stop myself feeling everything again and again. My continual fear upsets other people. I don't mean to. Whenever I feel like I have the confidence to say something it all goes wrong. I wish I was invisible.

[Snookiebookie2]

OceanStar

So sorry to hear that you feel like this.

Sending you healing hugs 

I have a phrase in a frame at home, it says 'healing isn't linear'.  It has ups and downs.  And with CPTSD it's also sometimes like peeling back the layers of an onion, only to find another layer.

I have also had moments of a dawning realization, of pieces suddenly connecting.  That's very painful, but it can sometimes be liberating.   Be gentle with yourself at this time.  Allow yourself time to get used to your realisation and time for your emotions.

Hugs

[marta1234]

Oceanstar, I hear you and I see you. I'm actually going through that right now, the fear of little me is so intense and I'm barely able to grasp or understand why, because I'm so scared.

What helps me, and what I've used to ground myself is that even if these emotions, this fear, is so frightening, it's not happening to you right now. It has happened to you. It is a memory. But it's not happening again, right now. And I know it's painful and scary and it makes you feel like you are all alone, in this horrible place. But you survived this, and you can slowly learn how to cope with it and process it. Because you're not little anymore, you're older and stronger.

I hope you find the cord to keep yourself here, in the right now. Wishing you the best and sending you a hug if that's ok,  .

[OceanStar]

Thank you snookiebookie2 and marta1234. Your replies ment a lot.

The immediate feelings have passed and I'm left with that persistant ache and fear that take so much longer if ever to pass.
My body feels like it has been bulldozed. I have a lot to ponder on. Reconnecting the dots but with a more balanced perspective. Still, I'm going to take my time doing that.

[Kizzie]

I so relate to the "persistent ache" Oceanstar, it was so hard to acknowledge I was alone and unsafe as a child. She went through so much on her own, no-one there to comfort and love her and it's awful to feel that again.  I had to work to get at the feeling and when I did it took my breath away.  No child should ever feel that way.

Once I did feel how she felt (as you're doing with younger you already), I invited her to play and laugh and do things that made her feel good to help balance the loss, the pain and fear and over time it really did help.  I was just telling my T last session how younger me doesn't ache anymore. she doesn't want to cry and curl into a little ball like she used to. The loss is there but it's tolerable because she has some good things now if that makes sense, including adult me who does love and care for her.

I hope this is helpful     

[Not Alone]

OceanStar, I could relate to both things you wrote on this thread. Such intense, difficult feelings. You are deserving of kindness and care. Taking your time sounds like a good idea. Glad you shared. I hear that you felt all alone. There are people who understand.