Don't Count

[Phoebes]

I may have written on this before. It's a recurring theme, and when it gets triggered, new memories of Nm and Nd come up. I used to say EnD but now I realize he is Nd too. He is part of my deep seated unworthiness as well.

I know I am an equally worthy human being. In theory and on paper. But, this is a tough one to fully change. So far. I'm trying. Not counting was such an integral part of my place in my family, nuclear and extended, and especially in the home.

It affected me, because as a child, the way I was taught was being slapped or shamed or both. I wasn't spoken to as a person. It was either being ignored or being punished for things I didn't know what I had done. I thought I must be such a horrible kid, I can't make a move without it being wrong.

Well, come to remember, I was simply getting punished for having a mind or using my voice. I'm not talking about talking back or arguing. I'm just talking about every day things a kid would say. "I like those shoes," "I'd like to play drums," "can I have a skateboard?" Etc. Normal curiosity or reaching out and touching things in the store as kids do. I couldn't pick out my own clothes, and if I liked something, it was, "don't be ridiculous! You're not wearing THAT!"

As a teen, if I bought myself music Nm disapproved of, she would rage and make me take it back. She made me return "I love Rock and Roll" and John Cougar Mellencamp's first album. She wouldn't DREAM of letting me have anything like my cousin's KISS record, but I didn't like KISS so that was fine. But it was just commonplace to my life to try not to set of the rage monster with my likes and dislikes by the time I was a teen. It just wan't worth it anymore.

As an adult she kept berating and belittling me, but I dressed how I wanted and did what I wanted against her wishes, like travel. But it's led to being middle aged and being pretty resentful that I never got to try the things I felt drawn to as a child, like drums and other instruments, to develop a passion and skills. I play an instrument now for fun and in an informal group, so that's good, but I feel extremely inferior and all of the triggers I struggle with come out there, both with self-confidence and relationships. All of the people there have been playing a lifetime and have supportive parents there often to support them. I often feel almost too anxious to go, and I often feel like I want to quit.

My Nd was even a professional musician. Why not me? Why was I stripped of this? Why didn't he want to teach me? For me to play with him? I get triggered and wonder why were they so cruel?