Pretending it's ok.

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OceanStar

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Pretending it's ok.
« on: April 12, 2020, 09:35:42 PM »
I wanted to ask a question.

Did anyone else pretend everything was ok, normal?

I've wanted things to be normal, ok, like everyone else, or my perception of that. I created an illusion of normal. I went to extreme lengths to portray myself and those around me as ok. To hide everything.

The shame, the guilt I feel now. I should have stopped it. It's my fault it happened. I let people think everything was ok. People believe my created word. Now I want to escape it but how?

What happens if people find out what really happened, what life was really like. Everyone is going to hate me for lying to them, or just think I'm lying now.
I feel trapped.

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notalone

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2020, 10:50:10 PM »
I pretended that everything was normal. It was part of survival. I don't think that's lying; I think it's surviving. Not your fault---at all.

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saylor

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2020, 03:06:46 AM »
Hi oceanstar,
Yes, I pretended. I feel sick that I did it, but I also realize it was an essential survival move. FWIW, I posted about this topic a few months ago. Rather than rehashing it, hereís the link, if youíre interested:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13059.msg97056#msg97056

Iíve also wondered whether ppl (esp. my stepM), might not believe that I had been abused by my F as a little girl because she always witnessed my kissing up to him later on, when she came into the picture (and after the beatings had stopped, but the rage carried on). She probably thought my eventual estrangement from him, once I was an adult, was because Iím just rotten inside.

Yeah...

 :'(

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marta1234

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2020, 05:57:38 AM »
Most of us donít or didnít know otherwise. For me, I didnít think twice to not tell to my ps what was happening. I just didnít, it never really came to my mind.
Itís ok, we all have done it like that. You donít have to feel ashamed for having done it this way, but I understand where youíre coming from.
Hope this helps :)

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Three Roses

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2020, 07:14:48 PM »
Yes, I pretended - and was successful in convincing myself - everything was normal in my life.

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Froggie

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2020, 05:03:20 AM »
My parents made me and my younger sibling pretend. They made us feel afraid of what would happen if we ever talked about anything about our family or what went on at home. When I grew up I became an over-sharer and then fell prey to psychopathic N's who used anything I said to hurt me.

So, sometimes maybe pretending is the way to go unless you know you are safe to share? We aren't obligated to tell the full truth to everyone.  :Idunno:

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Three Roses

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2020, 03:13:13 PM »
Quote
So, sometimes maybe pretending is the way to go unless you know you are safe to share? We aren't obligated to tell the full truth to everyone.  :Idunno:

:yeahthat:

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catscantdo

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2020, 03:28:05 AM »
Hey,

I went to some pretty crazy lengths to pretend everything was okay too.  I was angry for so long that no one did anything to help me in my situation but the truth was no one noticed anything was wrong. (At least that's what they told me)  When I finally started talking about it with people I got mostly support and people actually believed what I was telling them even though a lot of it doesn't even sound real to me sometimes.  There are some crappy people out there that will refuse to believe you or will try to use it against you, but it is worth it to find people you trust. 

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buddy9832

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2020, 11:04:54 AM »
Everyday of my life I pretended things were normal. Over the past two years starting therapy, it has gotten better but I still find myself regularly pretend everything is ok and normal.

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Panda

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2020, 12:57:35 PM »
Absolutely. Everything was normal, I was doing great. And until I was like... 13, 14 maybe I thought everyone else was doing the same.
Sometimes I still do, but that's mostly because my sense of what's normal and what's not is very wonky.

It's a coping mechanism. People, especially very young people, aren't meant to carry the burdens we carried. You didn't lie, OceanStar, you survived. And that's okay, because that was the choice you had and doing anything else might have unforseeable consequences.
That doesn't make you a bad person or guilty or a liar, it makes you someone who survived bad things and no one has any right to take offense in that.

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Persistant

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Re: Pretending it's ok.
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2020, 04:34:24 PM »
Hi oceanstar,

I totally get where you're coming from and I feel your pain because i've been through it myself and am working my way out of the hole that I had dug myself into.

I too was convinced that everyone will hate me for "lying" and I too tried to portray a picture of normality because of the deep shame and guilt that was induced by trauma of my childhood experience. And I also worried about how will I explain to friends that I "lied" to them. But as I progressed with my work I stopped thinking ahead about this matter. Short answer is that I just got on with resolving the traumas and now i'm not bothered much at all about telling people that I tried to pretend everything was cool. I guess the increased self confidence came naturally as a result of "defrosting".

You'll find a way my friend  :) Great forces are on your side when you do this work. Let us know how you get on