Acting out my anger

[brightlight]

I have been acting out my anger by mimicking behaviour of others who have made me feel dysregulated. It is understandable I am angry but this has been going on for months and I end up crying and becoming really upset.

I'm sure my neighbours think I'm 'mental' which makes be a bit embarrassed to go outside in case anyone has heard me.

It is work related what triggered this. This is what I'm mimicking. I have worked a lot on why I feel like this and it stems back from losing the relationship with my dad after his S.A and being stuck with no refuge with my abusive alcoholic step dad who hated me and my m going along with this.

I want this stuff out my head! It is so intense it has effected relating to to others even more, I think about it all the time, work (before lockdown) home, around others.

I will never trust my boss again (I could never trust my dad again) It seems like I'm mourning this (boss) relationship in a really intense way when I don't trust him, I don't feel comfortable around him. He did sabotage the relationship with colleagues in the work place both unconsciously and to deflect from his (lack) management. Maybe I am mourning having my formative relationships sabotaged through abuse and control?

Does anyone else mimic or act out others mistreatment when angry? Does anyone have any tips to deal with this?

[Three Roses]

It's possible you're experiencing an emotional flashback, or EF. Read here on what they are and how you can help yourself combat them - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Internal Family System therapy approach is probably best at getting to the core of issues and dealing with them in a lasting way. Not as quick as the first option but better imo - this is a link to a YouTube video explaining IFS, part 1 of 4

https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M

[brightlight]

I have copied the 'Managing Flashbacks' into word on my computer so I can read this if possible when I'm having an EF. I have read that section on Pete Walker before but I usually don't take in or internalise what I read. Thank you for pointing me towards this.

I started to watch the IFS link on youtube and will watch more of it. For me when something in depth like this, I always start analysing people who have done me wrong or abused me in some way and start putting these 'reasons' onto them. I don't know if this is an EF mixed in with over empathising with abusive/people who have done me wrong.

I don't want to do this and wish I could switch it off. I started doing this relating to my boss 'Maybe that's why he said what he did - out of anger' and then I understand and feel sorry for him. Overly empathising with others without self compassion for myself 

[Three Roses]

IFS was an eye opening experience for me. The 4 videos in that series by Dr Schwartz blew me away. I have the book and am trying to muster the courage to delve into it.