Suicide and self harm - TW

brightlight · April 13, 2020, 09:25:23 PM

Does anyone else (probably) feel they wish they had died a long time ago?

I just can never see myself as an 'old' person and I don't want to. I would have done it already but I have my two wee cats and I would hate them to be mistreated plus I feel they 'know' when I'm really struggling. When I was seriously depressed last year I wished I could take them with me. I have felt suicidal for years with some years not feeling this and sometimes it has been more intense. Last year though I REALLY wanted to go and didn't care about anything, possessions are nothing (I have some things I am grateful for but not rich by any means) My cats are my family, they are reliant on me.

I am struggling just now not to slash my arms. I find cutting really satisfying at releasing everything I need it to but I know its really damaging. I am very self conscious so this kind of stops me but not my pain. Also now I do a sport where I need to show my arms, I am ashamed if anyone sees my scars (They are small and on upper arm but there if up close)

I just feel I want to be out of this pain and move on to a better life, I believe we do get reincarnated.

I do not feel actively suicidal but it is always in the background.I don't want to trigger others but do others feel the same way?

saylor · April 13, 2020, 09:54:53 PM

Brightlight, I feel for you that you're in so much pain. I totally get it, too.

I've been struggling for decades, and I wish that, looking back, I could say that "it was all worth it!", but I can't. There doesn't seem to be anything redeeming for me after all's been said and done, and it would have saved me much pain if I had just died a long time ago. I've been wanting that since at least age 8 (but I don't know that I'd ever actually attempt, just to be clear...) Honestly, I would rather my F had killed me than kept me alive such that I'd have to trudge through this "life"; he was too much of a coward to take it up to that level, so I couldn't even be granted that kindness

Sorry so candid, but I think without honesty, there's no hope whatsoever for growth or healing. So here's to honesty and openness. I hope it's of some comfort to you that you're not alone in this

brightlight · April 13, 2020, 11:54:56 PM

Saylor, I am so glad you can be candid here and I appreciate you being so with me. I was a bit worried my post was too honest and would be flagged up due to the nature. I am also glad you get where I am coming from although of course not pleased you feel the same way.

I don't want pain for anyone but feel your pain.

Quote from: saylor on April 13, 2020, 09:54:53 PM

I've been struggling for decades, and I wish that, looking back, I could say that "it was all worth it!", but I can't. There doesn't seem to be anything redeeming for me after all's been said and done

I am so sorry you have been feeling this pain for decades

I too can relate to wishing I had died at the hands of those who continue to harm me because I have CPTSD. Although I never got a beating so severe it would kill me. Although I felt different types of pain including emotional might have.

Quote from: saylor on April 13, 2020, 09:54:53 PM
Sorry so candid, but I think without honesty, there's no hope whatsoever for growth or healing. So here's to honesty and openness. I hope it's of some comfort to you that you're not alone in this

Honesty is the best policy and is definitely good for healing. Thank you for your words of comfort. I am glad you are still here. You have helped me with some of your posts and I take comfort in that too. I know life is about having your needs met and finding comfort and happiness but I want you to know I value your contribution here. I hope too you can find peace, comfort and happiness you deserve whilst also staying candid!

Blueberry · April 14, 2020, 03:06:48 PM

I don't wish now that I had died, but I had phases in my childhood and teenage years where I wished I could somehow escape, just fade away and die. I'm 50 years old now, so that's a while ago. I guess maybe 10-20 years I used to wonder how on earth I'd have the energy and emotional wherewithal to keep going. I just couldn't imagine keeping going for a few more decades. I was in therapy by then and with so many things being dragged up and me so exhausted and constantly triggered (though I didn't know about cptsd 20 years ago) with EFs going on for months... I just had no idea how I could continue.

Up until maybe about 2 years ago I had a voice in me that suggested from time to time that I give up the ghost. Latterly it didn't happen very often, in earlier years it was pretty virulent. I eventually 'felt' that this voice isn't part of me, it's part of FOO and psychological abuse. I knew it earlier cognitively but just knowing it didn't help me really. This intrusive voice doesn't come flying into my thoughts anymore.

Brightlight, for me too - for a long, long time my little furry creatures kept me going. They needed me. I needed them too obviously, but them being there was a very strong additional anchor keeping me on the earth. I don't have any any more, now other things can anchor me.

I feel for both of you, saylor and brightlight because I know how terrible it feels. I hope my words can maybe give you a tiny glimmer of hope and of light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not through healing yet but it does get easier.

If it feels safe, here's a gentle hug for each of you

Kizzie · April 14, 2020, 04:53:42 PM

I never wanted to actually commit suicide, but I did want to die so the pain would stop. That has faded as I recover and heal though so I hope you will take this and hold it close to your hearts for those bad times when the pain is intense.

IME it got better, it took time but it did get better.

brightlight · April 14, 2020, 06:05:10 PM

Thank you so much Blueberry for your kind, warm words and encouragement. This means a lot to me. I am glad things have got better for you. I'm sure they will continue to do so.

Thank you Kizzie for sharing how you felt before and how this has faded as you have recovered more.

It means so much to me to have this support.

Blueberry · April 14, 2020, 09:34:14 PM

Kizzie · April 15, 2020, 05:54:08 PM

saylor · April 25, 2020, 04:37:23 AM

Thank you Blueberry, Kizzie, and brightlight for your kind thoughts

It's nice to be able to be open about tough topics

Panda · April 25, 2020, 06:12:11 AM

I relate to this so much. I've spent a long, long time wishing I was either dead or "ready" to commit suicide. I've never made a serious attempt for one reason or another (although my former T told me it counts if the intention was there, have a few complicated feelings about that but they're not for this thread) but I've definitely been there. When my abuse was still ongoing, I dreamt of not existing or killing myself every day, several times a day.
Like others, it got easier with time and with having things/people I care about. And, most importantly, getting out of abusive situations.

I don't know how it was for everyone else, but for me there was a time that the thought that I could commit suicide basically at any time for any given was a comfort and it'd go so far that if I even made the tiniest mistake or the smallest thing went wrong I'd think that I'd just kill myself.
And the hardest work was to "deprogram" that impulse from my brain. I'm not totally done, it's still there but it's a lot better. What helped me was first, step back, take a breather until the more rational part was able to step in and tell me no, no need for suicide because I accidentally broke a plate (or something similar), then slowly replace the thought of killing myself with something different (depends on the person and situation what will work) and only when I'd gotten a bit more stable I managed to examine the underlying feelings that I needed to deal with.

Self harm... was a struggle for me too. Almost 14 years.
And then I stopped. Just cold turkey because I didn't want to make it a full 14 years. I was dissociated a lot during that time to so... I'm not 100 % sure how I stopped.
Just know after a while, I relapsed and it didn't do anything for me anymore.
This doesn't help anyone else, probably.

I can also vouch for how therapeutic pets are, especially my cats are a life saver. Loving that tiny creature that needs nothing but food, water, a clean litterbox and some play time and will give you their whole love and affection in return is amazing. Even if everything else feels uncertain and unsave, I know these little creatures love me and won't leave my side by choice.