SOT - Does a comment build up into a huge thing for people

brightlight · April 14, 2020, 12:36:36 PM

I keep getting the same comment going round and round my head and its upsetting me as this comment was directed at me to target me and it feels like the other two bullies have been brought into it and it feels like a threat.

My boss said inappropriate things before I left my previous work (He never managed harassment due to me my mental health and was deflecting onto me) He said I would have been disciplined for a comment I never made, this is the main thing which bothers me! He said 'I have protection to these people as well' before he accused me. I said to another colleague has he told his boss about their behaviour?!

Its hard to explain and it sounds trivial. My harassment started when a colleague shouted and pointed at me then I was crying for 45 minutes. This continued for 16 months. My health has suffered due o this treatment, loss of trust in management and people, my interactions with people, not being able to do more hours where if I had support I could have.

I can't get out my head what he said to me before I left, which diminished any trust left in him and cut me off from anything good and from contacting that branch or going there again (My current job is in a different part of the city but the same organisation so we ere connected this way)

I know its easy to say I'm better off out of there and I am but its feeling three or four people attacking me due to my health and his inability to manage. There was understanding of my health (as much as there can be) once this all kicked off and my boss ruined and diminished this for me when he deflected just before I left.

I have lost out on:

Advice/support as I feel I can't contact the branch
Relief (filling in for absence/holidays)

My boss had the audacity to send an email to his manager, me and my union rep to ask how he supported me in the months since we had our meeting. He was also asking other staff I work with after me 'How's....' It really pissed me off and made me angry he had an audacity to ask after me after how he ended things for me.

I wouldn't have went on their nights out - Christmas etc as I don't trust my boss and 2 colleagues have been vindicated - one especially as she was the worse harasser. Three roses sent me a very informative link about relationships and the difference between familiarity and comfort and its the best piece of information I've ever read on relationships - helping me to understand the feeling better.

Part of CPTSD the connection of have an okay ending (after all that had happened) and some understanding of my health meant a lot to me and my boss destroyed this. But the former is all I wanted. I have been depressed, angry and dysregulated about all of this since.

Sorry this is so long, I want to feel better from this. Highlights I don't even have an okay understanding from people in my life about CPTSD and wanted this.

Blueberry · April 14, 2020, 02:44:46 PM

Quote from: brightlight on April 14, 2020, 12:36:36 PM
I keep getting the same comment going round and round my head and its upsetting me as this comment was directed at me to target me and it feels like the other two bullies have been brought into it ...

I can't get out my head what he said to me before I left

This happens to me too, though it has become less of a problem than it used to be. I can't even tell you why exactly - it'll just be healing taking place at the pace it's taking place. When things were really bad this way, I'd grind my teeth while thinking about what somebody said. There were so many nasty things said to me in childhood, mostly by FOO, and also in FOO you had to stay and 'fight it out' verbally, so even now a comment from somebody will remain in my head while I try to prove as I had to in FOO why I'm not actually quite that bad or why somebody else is to blame

(and other unhealthy things - but it's like an EF because this proving was what FOO expected/demanded, if not very bad things happened.) I wrote a bit about what's it like for me, in case that helps you. If it doesn't, say so and I'll remove it. I don't want to hijack. Idk if it feels like a threat to me because I don't really feel when it's going on.

Quote from: brightlight on April 14, 2020, 12:36:36 PM
I know its easy to say I'm better off out of there and I am but its feeling three or four people attacking me due to my health and his inability to manage.

Saying you're better off out of there is coming from your head and the other stuff will be coming from your feelings and presumably from traumatic memories. Trauma doesn't heal through cognitive means. It might help a little to distance yourself to survive the next hour or day or something, but it doesn't actually heal the trauma.

I notice that you've come back to this topic a few times and that you're making progress while you're about it - continuing to explain more, discuss, ask, make realisations.

brightlight · April 14, 2020, 05:51:54 PM

Hi Blueberry, Yes that does help me a lot hearing about your experiences, how you felt and how you dealt with it and its good to know it has become less of a problem for you.

Thank you, that's exactly it, the heart (feelings) and the head.

I think feeling the threat is being the scapegoat in the family. My boss initially emailed his boss when I shouted and swore at him and said '........'s relationships in ****** office' when it is ME who is getting targeted. I am finding the EF less frequent and I am trying to distract myself more and keeping busy helps (although not really dealing with things)

I feel triggered again as I emailed my union rep about volunteering to deliver shopping during lockdown and he said our branch doesn't do this etc I emailed back and said I'm shopping for others and trying to only go out once weekly for shopping (as advised) and said I suppose volunteering is putting yourself at risk, I'm relatively physically healthy and others can't go out at all. I send him a separate email about work issues, kept it very professional and asked his advice about moving to another job within the organisation.

Rep got back and I felt the email was very blunt, two lines which one of them said 'I am a workplace rep'....'I don't work in ****** office' 'You will have to ask ******* (manager)' So it made me feel 'Oh did I digress too much about shopping and volunteering and he thought why is she telling me this?!' 'Does he think I'm being over familiar (I don't think I was but think this sometimes generally which makes me retreat a bit) I don't mean to sound OTT but it makes me feel more alone. Small things have a big impact with CPTSD -good and bad.

Blueberry · April 14, 2020, 09:48:21 PM

Quote from: brightlight on April 14, 2020, 05:51:54 PM
Small things have a big impact with CPTSD -good and bad.

I'm sorry you feel so alone. At least on here you aren't alone though I know that thought can only help so much in the real world.

My FOO treats me as scapegoat too, always has. My therapist suggested I don't say "I am scapeg..." because that cements the idea rather than allowing me to escape emotionally bit by bit and heal.