#7 - breaking though

[Three Roses]

Here's wishing you're feeling less and more soon!

[Panda]

San, I hope things are easier for you now than they were earlier and your T could be helpful, sending hugs if welcome 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope.  sleep continues spotty - some nights are better than others, but i appreciate your hug and well wishes!

hey, 3r, as always, up and down.  thank you for your well wishes.  my t is reassuring me that i'll get there.  i hope so.

panda, thanks for your kindness.  hugs are always welcome! 

going thru sugar withdrawal now, so little sleep last nite, but no headache, which is a sugar side effect for me.  another day, another try.  i've also gained weight, and i know it's cuz i've been stress eating.  this is too much for too long, and dieting is even more stressful!  so, hopefully my system will re-organize itself again and i can get back on track. 

nevertheless, i'm pushing thru on the first round of editing my second book.  i can't do much at a time, but little by little . . .   at least i got the rough copy, which has most of the story, to my hub via email.  he's talked about getting it copied on paper so it's easier for him to read, which would be nice, but i don't know if that'll ever happen.  at any rate, that's not my problem now - my goal for him was to be able to see it cuz it's so much his story.

i have the feeling i wrote all that before.  my mind is so spacey right now.  i'm too distressed to think coherently or make sense of the disturbance w/in that i feel.  guess i'll take a break here for a bit.  it's too painful right now to read posts - i feel like i want to cry while i'm sitting here.  my heart is with you all, even if i'm not responding.  just can't do it atm.

[Not Alone]

My heart is with you too, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone - i feel it, and it's great!

better today, again.  up and down.  down and up.  ugh!  but, i'll enjoy today for what it gives me and leave the rest till it comes around - again!

[sanmagic7]

taking a rest day today.  already showered and cut my hair. will do laundry later - yeah, those are all restful things cuz they don't involve my brain.  i'm giving my brain a rest.  i think i've been pushing too hard on doing that, pressuring myself to get it done.  plus, one scene was bothering me, so i know i have to change it.  it'll wait till tomorrow - it's just good i'm recognizing it on a conscious level.  i've been going back and forth on it for quite a while.

so,        that's the extent of me for the day.

[Blueberry]

Great self-care, san! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry - you brought a smile to my heart.

yesterday was exactly what i needed.  i feel a bit clearer today.  i'm missing checking in w/ my t, tho, as she's out for the entire week.  yesterday i was pretty muddled, so it ended up being a xanax day.  i just needed to rest my mind.

so far i haven't done any more funerals.  i've flashed on some to do, but i don't want to do them until i see my t again.  there's something rather relieving about being able to turn them over to her instead of having to store them in a folder in my house.  i want to get the crapola out of my space, i guess.

have been doing some EFT tapping before going to bed lately - the anxiety pops up out of nowhere, with no apparent reason.  i can whittle it down, tho, which helps.  haven't had nightmares for a few days, either, which really feels good.  i thought the reason was because i'm so used to having to be aware of everything, so i was on alert.  ooooh, a new thought came to mind.  bedtime was an area of contention between me and my ex.  lots of stuff going on there ---


******TW******  sex addiction

--- he'd never want to go to bed at the same time as me, even tho he was falling asleep on the couch cuz he wanted to stay up to satisfy his porn addiction!  that's something to bring up with my t next time i talk to her.  my heart is racing just thinking about it, so i believe there's definitely a link there.  and, now i want to cry.  on top of everything else, i had to deal with this.  on nights when i'd go out w/ my S, i'd drive up, see the tv lights shining thru the window, and by the time i got in the house and to my bedroom, he was in bed, seemingly asleep.  i didn't put 2 and 2 together until i actually learned what was going on.

******end*****

o, crapola, something else coming up that needs to be dealt with around sleeping.  my chest is so tight right now.  i need to cry about this - it still breaks my heart to know i was denied because of this.  the pain is excruciating.  i'm so afraid of letting this out by myself.  gotta tuck this back in for a week.  it's so big, it's smothering me!!!!!

i didn't expect this.  dang, i feel like i just can't keep getting up when something else knocks me down again.  i hate this, hate him for putting me thru this.  it's helped writing about it, tho, the pain is subsiding as it crawls back into that space in my mind that's been holding so much for so long.  no wonder i can't remember things from day to day - my mind is still so full of gunk that keeps rearing its ugly head, and the tears won't come so it's still bottled up in there.  this is horrible . . . .

[sanmagic7]

i was able to shed some tears, realized i'm afraid to let him go.  he's been part of my life for over 55 yrs., good and bad.  i'm stuck.  this is too big to deal with on my own. 

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you san 

[Not Alone]

Very big. 

[Snookiebookie2]

San, sending a big, compassionate hug 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, notalone, snookie, thank you all for your support.  so appreciated!

too many memories running around now, can't get rid of them i just want to cry but  can't.  more things i've remembered about nites before going to bed by myself, how much of a struggle they were, how confused i was over and over.  when i asked him why he wouldn't come to bed, even tho he was already falling asleep on the couch, he told me he was afraid he'd miss something.  i know now what he was going to miss.  he even did this on vacations, when we had a separate place to sleep away from the kids - i kept joking around about having a love shack all to ourselves, he never even smiled.

i'm feeling so bad right now, so full of ugliness.  grossness.  i'm not doing well with this at all.  got to go on w/ my day, but had to vomit this out here for whatever reason.  even this isn't helping and it almost always helps for me to write it out here, get it out of me.  today it's just clinging to my insides, like monster snot.

[Not Alone]

San,
Your Ex's lack of affection for you had nothing to do with you. It was all about him and his addiction to porn. I haven't studied it much, but I know it does something to the chemicals in the brain, like other addictions. I know that doesn't take away your hurt, anger, feelings of ugliness, etc. My experience of you is that you are a beautiful, kind, open person. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, notalone. such kind words.   

i spent the entire day in a hole, surrounded by his gross ugliness, deceit, denial, lies, gaslighting, pretense over and over and over and over . . . 

i tried to find a negative belief about myself, but none of them stuck.  maybe that i was stupid but i think it's really more that i was naive.  it's always been really easy to lie to me cuz i have the tendency to believe people.  maybe i am stupid.