#7 - breaking though

Started by sanmagic7, April 16, 2020, 10:42:38 PM

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sanmagic7

omg, i suddenly realized, consciously, that i am so p.o.'d about what he did to me, how this has wrecked so many aspects of my life, all the way to make relaxing in order to go to sleep a problem!!! :pissed: tomorrow i need to throw shoes, but for tonite, acknowledging this is enough. i've already ranted verbally, have written so many letters and emails, thrown so many shoes against the door for stuff he's done in general, but pinpointing this - it infuriates me that this has insinuated itself, he and what he's done, into so many little nooks and crannies of my life.  it's ridiculous!

i'm not stupid, i know i'n not.  i'm not going to put myself down for what he did.  a misogynist and a narc - that's a near deadly combination to someone in a relationship with them!  no wonder i'm going frickin' nuts!  it's crazy-making to the nth degree!  i've nearly died several times because of this particular combo, and his teaming up with d#2.  holy crapola!  i'm a miracle to still be alive and anywhere near coherent!  my d even told me the other day that she's really sorry my brain is so broken.  yeah, that's exactly what it feels like, but hearing those words from outside myself lets me know it's not just me making a bigger thing out of this than it really is.

i'm gonna go hit the bed for a bit - gotta get some of this out of me!  it's gagging me right now, i'm so full of his vile poison!  the body does indeed keep the score!

sanmagic7

got some of it out of me, but it took me to a really dark place.  i'm missing my t very badly right now.  this is so horrible, he is so horrible.  i'm amazed at this - he always hated bullies, yet he did exactly the same to me except in such a covert, insidious, scheming way that i wasn't even aware of what he was doing until many years later, until it was way too late and i was so damaged from the experience i can barely utilize my mind in day to day activities.

i had a first hub who left me when i was 7 1/2 months pregnant, and he was not good to me during most of the marriage, either, but i don't feel any of this level of hatred and disgust toward him.  yeah, he lied and cheated, and maybe that'll come out later, and i nearly died because of him as well, but somehow he wasn't as devious, didn't continue to undermine me in the same way.  he's dead now, and i'm sure the universe took care of him for me, but hub #2, i have nothing good to say about him. 

nothing.  i don't believe he did one single thing without it having some underlying agenda that was meant to bring me down.  i really don't, no matter how good it might have looked to anyone else, including my daughters.  i have snakes eating my innards right now.

wow, this turned into a rant.  i'm leaving some of this black goop on the screen right now.  the universe will take care of it as well.  how much pain am i in? 

Blueberry


Panda

 :hug: I hope it helped getting some of that out of you onto the screen. And I hope your journey towards healing will get a little less painful.

sanmagic7

thank you blueberry and panda

just got done throwing shoes, can't write more :hug: :hug:

Not Alone


sanmagic7

thanks, notalone - i love the hugs and warm feelings that go with them.

supposed to be talking to my t tomorrow - she was out all last week.  i've had a rough few days with realizations about going to bed connected to my ex. it wrung out my mind for a few days.  i hope to be able to do something with her about this.  fingers crossed

Snowdrop

I hope it goes well with your T, San. Thinking of you and sending big warm hugs. :hug:

sanmagic7

thank you, snowdrop - i can feel them and they're warm, cozy, comforting.

made a breakthrough today which basically pertains to all my relationships.  a core belief i've had most all my life - i don't have the right.

it breaks down to not having the right to ask for what i want, to be treated with kindness, to have my basic boundaries respected, or even to know what i need.  i was working on stuff about my ex, when all the connections fell into place and lasered back to that belief.  i didn't have the right to confront him on what he was doing, to push him to have a conversation about it, to stay in the house when i didn't want to be with him anymore because of what he'd been doing.  i was the one who packed my bags instead of telling him to get out cuz, since it was my decision to leave the relationship, i didn't think i had the right to tell him to leave the house.

so, it goes back to my parents not having my back, not taking care of me emotionally, putting unrealistic expectations on me, not allowing me to ask 'why' about anything they decreed.  my F was active in this, my M was passive.  i had no rights as a child - children should be seen and not heard, all that rubbish.  and seen only with smiles.  i didn't have the right to be me.  how could i possibly hold up a reality of me when i didn't even know what it was anymore!  people talk about being chameleons - yep!  didn't have the right not to.

i'm exhausted now, my legs are wobbly, my fingers began tingling.  this was something infused into my being, like a gray slab of cement.  i was able to begin softening some of it, which felt good, released some poison thru soft tears, which was different cuz my tears usually feel acrid.  these were so very soft - maybe a sign that i have the right to want and to deserve softness in my life, in my relationships.  nothing w/ an edge for now, nothing that goes against my being.  even the slightest warning bell is to be heeded - my radar is on high alert, but not like hypervigilence.  more like it's finely tuned, precise in a way it wasn't before.  i'm very tired.

Not Alone

Wow, San. That is huge to come to the realization that you have that core belief.

http://pete-walker.com/humanBillofRights.htm

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 05, 2020, 04:38:33 PM
i was able to begin softening some of it, which felt good, released some poison thru soft tears, which was different cuz my tears usually feel acrid.  these were so very soft - maybe a sign that i have the right to want and to deserve softness in my life, in my relationships.  nothing w/ an edge for now, nothing that goes against my being.  even the slightest warning bell is to be heeded - my radar is on high alert, but not like hypervigilence.  more like it's finely tuned, precise in a way it wasn't before.  i'm very tired.

Yes, you do have the right to want and to deserve softness in your life. Yes, yes, yes.  :cheer:

sanmagic7

thanks, notalone.  it's lovely to see what you wrote, still a bit difficult to know this.  part of that is that i don't know how it's supposed to look.  i know patient, tolerant, giving, understanding, kindness, caring, etc. but i don't know my rights, don't really know what that means, how it plays out, what they consist of, etc.  .  guess i'll have to figure that out eventually.  can't quite feel it yet. 

sanmagic7

so, 2 days later.  still struggling with all this.  i think when i was with my ex, he had such a pessimistic view of the world, i did all those things mentioned because, well, for one, that's how i am, but two, i was trying to show him that being optimistic, living in a more positive way, being kind, caring, patient, tolerant, etc., was a happier way of life.  the 'show by example' school of thought.  i spent 20 yrs. married, and even longer after that trying to make him happy, 'respecting' his rights, but i couldn't see what my rights were in that relationship.

i woke up with thoughts of him again, did some eft tapping to help dissolve them.  i don't want him in my mind anymore, but there are so many layers to him and our relationship, even my t told me that we have a lot of work to do to get thru them all.  :rundog: i understand how knowing my rights, being able to see how that all played out might help me for the future, but i don't understand yet how it might erase these thoughts of him.   :sharkbait:

my d was telling me a story the other day about some characters on a show she was watching, and she kept saying 'the dad did this' or 'the dad did that' and i had to stop her.  just her using the word 'dad' was upsetting me, roiling my gut.  she's very respectful, stopped immediately, but she really did look confused, and i couldn't tell her what was going on cuz she doesn't want to hear bad stuff about him.  this gets quite muddled in my mind.

so, i just want to get thru today, get to tomorrow, however that might work.  this is wrecking my head.   :stars:

Not Alone

Lessening the impact he has on you will certainly take time. Your insight that you "don't believe you have the right" was a giant step. The small steps are important too.  I'm right there with you; one step at a time, one day at a time.

sanmagic7

notalone, thank you for saying this will take time.  i don't think i fully comprehend the magnitude of that relationship, and the impact in so many different kinds of ways, that it had on me even now.   :hug:

as much abuse that was heaped on me by hub #1, i don't feel the animosity toward him that i do w/ this ex.  #1 cheated, lied, deceived and ultimately left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, all of which is bad enough (i may be writing this over again, but i guess it's important to me to see it again and again), and actually, maybe i shouldn't write it over again cuz i'll need to deal with that stuff at some point.  it's just that he showed me kindness when i most needed it, and i actually got an apology out of him when i'm certain he never apologized to any other woman.  he may have been a misogynist, but he wasn't NPD.

the difference still confounds my mind at times, altho #2 had both those traits going on.  #2 was insidious in his scheming to break me which was the only way he could feel he had any dominance over me.  he was looking to break me.  and several times i did break, and now, looking back, there was no kind of nurturing or caring from him, even as i sat in a chair for a week, barely able to move or think, asking him to take over watching our 2 girls.
just didn't happen, and i just got frustrated inside, but never called him out on it. i didn't have the right, did i! 

i'm just coming to terms with things that i've read about from other members here, about not deserving or not speaking up for themselves, and i can finally relate on a gut level.  how horrible!  it's all nearly incomprehensible to me.  i also discovered yesterday that there is the element of 'I don't deserve . . .' mixed in with this.  we got a delivery from the food bank yesterday - it was so kind and caring of them to do that - and i broke down sobbing :'(, couldn't move for several minutes.

i understand now that so many times i've cried when i've even witnessed acts of kindness, let alone received them, especially from my d, that it was because i didn't believe i deserved to be treated like that.  so, now i have a double decker to contend with.  this stuff is pouring out of me like lava, which had been destroying me from the inside like lava destroys anything in its path.  my poor brain and body - no wonder i'm in constant pain. i'm so glad for all the younger people on here, tackling this crapola before they have any more decades of abuse to contend with. 

that's it for now,  i'll be talking w/ my t in a bit.

sanmagic7

well, interesting session yesterday.  another major piece of the puzzle fell in.

worked on a memory of pleasing my dad.  i may have told this story before, but anyway . . .  i was a great student at school, always got A's and B's, and my F would say 'maybe next time you can get all A's.'  so, no praise, acceptance, or being proud of me for doing well, he kept me reaching for perfection.  i finally reached that goal when i was 10 - all A's, and i was so excited.  now i'd get at least fireworks or something!  :fireworks:

what actually happened was less spectacular. from what i recall, he looked at it, didn't say much, if anything.  don't remember a reaction from my mom at all.  she wasn't even in the picture.

so, that was the set-up i worked on, remembering that moment.  as i began processing (i'm doing emdr), i saw the 10-yr. old me presenting this perfect report card to my dad, only to be shut down. inside, that little girl was crying, and i began sobbing.  she was heartbroken (first realization of this) and i felt my heart break for her. in real life, i remember standing there, stoic, not doing or saying anything.

as we continued processing, i watched that little girl crumble into a heap onto the floor, and disappear.  she vanished.  in that moment, in my mind, i knew that, even achieving perfection, i was literally nothing.  no dust, no ash, nothing.  as i reported this to my t, she asked if i could pick that little girl up, take her to another room away from him.  i was crying, said i couldn't pick her up cuz there was nothing there.

i continued to concentrate on the place on the floor where she'd crumbled, and i suddenly saw an outline of her crumpled form, altho she, herself was transparent.  so, i picked up this transparent form and carried it into a room, daylit, bright, empty.  my t asked me if i could put her down on the floor, and i suddenly had such a rush of compassion for her that i said 'no - i want to hold her'.  immediately, a rocking chair (my favorite kind of chair) materialized, and i was able to sit in it, just holding her.  i had no words, but as i was holding her, she marerialized back into her little girl form, and was ok.

one other thing i noticed, and told my t, was that the form of myself holding her was a much younger version of me.  and, then it dawned on me - that transparent little crumpled up girl was pure spirit.  there was nothing left of her but her spirit.  and, i've said for many, many years, that my own spirit is 27.  what came to mind was that it was spirit holding spirit, and that's what allowed little me to come back to being in her regular form.

i do believe that it's been my spirit all along that has kept me going, kept me alive at times, and this representation seals that deal for me.  it was quite an intense journey, and i was exhausted at the end.  i'm quite tired writing about it now.