#7 - breaking though

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, big caring hugs are always welcome and so appreciated.  thank you.

3r, as usual.  thank you. i would love the company as i think the numbness is wearing off.  the more i write, the more real this is getting, and my eyes are tearing up, my demeanor is down.  thank you for always being there.

i began remembering what my sis was like when we were best friends - funny, smart, clever.  we were drinking buddies, were at the bars at least 5 nights/week.  it was when we stopped drinking that the real trouble between us began.  we drifted farther and farther apart, and her personality was commented on by others to me.  she resorted to bullying again, extremely controlling, and eventually i did something she didn't like and she packed up her family and moved across the country to get away from me.

enough for now.  she could have been so much more.  i had dark thoughts last nite, which i hated.  this week has been so very soul-pounding.  i'm now beginning to outlive people and it's a terrible burden to carry and i don't know why.  i don't feel good.

[Blueberry]

 

[owl25]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and ex sister-in-law. This must be such a shock. I'm sorry your sister turned away from you all those years ago. 

[Not Alone]

San,
I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and ex SIL. That is grief that has many layers and complexity. As much as possible, take it slow. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, owl, notalone -- thanks so much.

talked to my t today, it just helped me calm down a bit, but then she told me that her bosses want to cut down her caseload to make room for other clients of a t that quit, and they were specially focused on me cuz i've been having 2 appts./week.  they want to cut her clients' appts. to 2x/mo.  i couldn't control myself when i heard that. she knows that for right now i need more than that.

and,  this afternoon, i found out a sis of my mex. hub died sun.  this has been a deadly 10 days - even the stuff w/ my ex bff feels like a death.

i'm so very weary . . .

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, your hugs were wonderful to see!  thank you so - i feel like a death squad has come thru here lately.

today i got some good sleep, and feel pretty good right now.  i think my brain has pushed everything waaaaay to the back of it, cuz it's just too much to think about or feel about.  this may be how i've lived most of my life, now that i think about it.  i'll just float thru today, and hey.

my d finished writing her 7th book - i'm so proud of her! - so we may be headed to the store soon to get her fav food to celebrate (mac and cheese).  normally, we'd go out for breakfast, but that's out of the question right now. 

i may be living like this the rest of my life. 

[sanmagic7]

nothing's bothering me today.  finished my book, just got to do a final read-thru and it's off to my editor.  yay!

one thing i noticed, tho, is when i was responding to someone here, i started writing too much, erased, had to quit.  so, there's that.  guess i can't go in that direction with anyone right now.

[sanmagic7]

i fear the crash that must inevitably come - i can feel everything pushing to get out.  just too much in too short a time.4 deaths this month, anniversary of a death, and my dead dad's birthday.  and, the powers that be want my t to reduce my # of sessions.  it's too much.  my chest hurts.

[Snowdrop]

It's a lot, San. Even without CPTSD, it's a lot to contend with. Time for some more Rescue Remedy perhaps? Might that help?

Thinking of you, San. Love you.

[sanmagic7]

all those giant hugs made me smile, snowdrop, and i love the love.  thank you

i'm not feeling anxious, so i didn't think of rescue remedy.  everything's just boiling under the surface, i'm guessing.  o yeah, and on that list was the whole ordeal w/ my ex bff - that felt like a death for sure.  and i processed the death of my baby girl - she metaphorically died during the processing w/ my t by the time she was 2, and the D1 who is living is not the daughter of my heart.  so, i forgot about that.  that innocent little girl sprouted wings and flew to a place of peace, but the grown-up version of her is just a very hurtful person. 

omg, this crash is gonna be huge when it comes.  this numbness is how i survived my life, i think.  everything is there, just beneath my skin.  i can feel the disturbance. no, this is not good . . .

[Blueberry]

Sending support san.   

[marta1234]

Sending support in this difficult time and healing energy. Big hugs for you and all of your parts
 
Thank you for sharing with us 

[Not Alone]

just too much in too short a time.

Way too much. 

[Three Roses]