#7 - breaking though

[Jazzy]

That sounds very difficult. Take care of yourself. You will make it through.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, marta, notalone, 3r, and jazzy - your support was invaluable these past few days.  i cannot thank you enough for helping me thru this.

talked to my t today, we were able to do some emdr on my D1, the damage she did to me (and my ex came into the picture as well, supporting her and ignoring me), in the hopes of diminishing some of the triggers and intrusive thoughts.  i ended up erecting (along w/ my spiritual protector) a protective tube around me, made from the force of the monolith in the movie 2001 - a space odyssey.  it was the hardest, strongest thing i could think of.  until i'm able to deal with these on my own, i'm hoping this will help repel the negativity those people send off.

there's still more there from her, but i think this was a good beginning.  i'm tired now, but glad i did it. 

that's all i've got for now.  you all have been such a safety net for me.  truly remarkable people.

[owl25]

I'm just catching up here, this sounds like an awful lot to have to try and deal with. Glad you had a session today and hopefully it will help keep things manageable. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, owl.  i appreciate your validation.   

i also found out today that one of my cousins, a daughter of my aunt that died earlier this month, is now showing signs of covid.  she and her hub are going to get tested. they were all there in the nursing home with their mom till the week before she died.  can't believe this.  good people.  we were very close when we were kids.

i'm staying busy today.  distractions, i guess.  dishes, laundry, walks to the store and post office.  i think i need a nap.

[Three Roses]

Hang in there, kiddo ❤️

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r.  i'm hangin',. 

tried to post on someone else's journal, but thoughts got muddled.  i don't seem to have a good headspace for others' pain right now.  i just want to stay cuddled up within myself. 

[Not Alone]

Sending a soft blanket and hot cup of tea.

[Blueberry]

i just want to stay cuddled up within myself.

Totally legitimate! I hope you do so as long as you need  

[Snookiebookie2]

San,

Sorry to hear that you're struggling and that your thoughts were muddled.

I hope you can put yourself first and give yourself some self care x

I'm sending you healing vibes. 

[Deep Blue]

San,
I have had that muddled feeling many many times.  Good for you to take a step back and put your own oxygen mask on first 

[sanmagic7]

notalone, the blanket and tea were lovely.  thank you.

blueberry, thanks for the validation.  love it! 

hey, snook - those healing vibes were so appreciated.  i'm using them today, too.  thanks.

db, yeah, sometimes the pain is overwhelming.  i appreciate the encouragement.  thanks.

i've talked to my hub a couple times this week, he thinks he has the virus, has had a few small symptoms in the past 2 weeks, but he says he's feeling ok.  i've been worried about him for those 2 weeks - heard him cough, and got an uneasy feeling.  hopefully i'm wrong, i couldn't take it, don't want to be a widow.

i finished 'crutches' last night, about the 3 months while he was recovering in rehab, my first 3 months in mex., and was able to send it to him.  i pushed myself to get it done, have had this dread hanging over me for 2 weeks about him, and i wanted him to see our story in case something happened to him.  we were both so broken and we found each other, saved each other's lives.  it's off to the editor (my d) now. 

i haven't been able to feel the relief i thought i would at finishing it last nite.  i'm tired today.  just getting from one day to the next again.  rough waters.

[sanmagic7]

i've been crying all morning, so sad, so mad about what's happening in my country.  will it ever end?  black lives matter.  i've been thru a lot of protests over the years, have demonstrated, raised a fist against injustice, and i just can't believe this continues.  i was alive during the civil rights movement, remember it all, the marches, protests, dr. king's speech.  what are people so afraid of?  dang.  if i could, i'd be walking w/ the protesters.  this is weighing heavily on my mind, and besides fear of illness, there's the atrocity of this and i'm suffering because of it.  if you need to delete this, go ahead, but i stand by it. 

my mind is running wild with images of my life, and i keep trying to find happy memories, but they all become tainted w/ something neg.  i'm worried about my hub being sick, worried about my mind getting lost, i just need to get this out of me. i keep fighting, battling, suffering, need to stay alive to help my d, so i'll keep fighting, battling, and suffering, but i fear for my mind.  i don't know how much longer i can keep this up. 

i'll talk to my t this morning.  hopefully it'll help.  my ability to be stable is so wobbly, i don't even recognize myself anymore.  i can make it for a day or maybe 2 w/o xanax, but then it's like my metaphorical legs collapse under me.  this can't go on.   

[Three Roses]

My heart is with you, San! These are difficult times indeed. Here's a hug filled with peace and justice! 

[sanmagic7]

thank you 3r for your kindness.  i do keep your heart with me, always.  it's a good heart, one of the best.

pretty much cried thru my whole talk w/ my t.  my heart is broken for so many reasons. 

[Jazzy]