#7 - breaking though

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Three Roses

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #60 on: May 23, 2020, 12:34:26 AM »
Yes, that does sound pushy. You're not obligated to continue a friendship, any friendship, even if that person is blameless (which she is not). This whole thing has upset you horribly, so self care is needed! Hopefully she will respect your wishes, but there are also ways to block her (from email, phone, etc).

Take care of yourself, San. I know how much this hurts. Remember that you don't need to be "there" for anyone except yourself. Big hugs filled with compassion and a gigantic cloaking device.  :yes:

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notalone

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #61 on: May 23, 2020, 12:44:03 AM »
Whatever you need is okay. Trust yourself.

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sanmagic7

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #62 on: May 23, 2020, 04:30:25 AM »
3r and notalone, i can't tell you how much i appreciate what you both said.  i sent the short email, telling her i'd get back to her if i ever felt ok enough to deal with this.  my d also knows this woman, and expressed the opinion that since she has a man living w/ her now, she's on an upswing, but what happens if that relationship ends?  i've been thru quite a few of those dynamics with her, too, and they were never pretty.  i just don't need a whiff of any drama in my life right now, as i have enough to keep working at managing my own sanity. 

and, my t was sick today, so i didn't get any grounding from her, either.  the ideas of self-care and self-trust were pivotal here.  again, thanks and love and hugs to you both.  you rock!   :hug:  :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #63 on: May 23, 2020, 05:43:01 AM »
I would feel overwhelmed if someone was that pushy with me. You absolutely did the right thing sending that email. To paraphrase something a friend once said to me, your friendship is a privilege not a right.

Sending you love and hugs, dear San. :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #64 on: May 23, 2020, 01:08:13 PM »
o, snowdrop, your timing was perfect.  i've got an ex-bff hangover today, all i could think of while i was walking was about her, all the things i'd like to say to her about her past behaviors, what all this felt like.  i was berating myself for not letting it go, it's over, etc. etc.  i think i was already so vulnerable and unstable that this made a damaging imprint on me and it's hard to shake it loose.  thanks for your support and validation :hug:

another thing i thought of is that when i told her i don't know her now (i've got to talk this out till i talk it to death), she gave me a list of things she's doing, but nothing about who she is.  i'm glad i remembered that.  it adds one more nail to that coffin.

a damaging imprint.   yeah, that feels about right.  i think i have to give myself some time and allow it to recede on its own.  the email i sent her last year talked about too much damage done.  looks like damage is the word du jour.   

in the meantime, my d has been really supportive - she doesn't like this woman anyway, knows her personally, thinks she's a b****, which is a word she doesn't use very often.  my hub has been very supportive, too.  as have you people.  it's so good to have the feeling that someone has my back. 

i'm still looking forward to working w/ my t on my D1 stuff, get those memories and the pain out of me.  i've not allowed much of the pain to be felt over the years, and i'm afraid of how much there is inside me.  too many incidents where she took a hurtful upper hand and i allowed it cuz she was sick.  she's played that sick card on all of us for many many years, trying to guilt me and my d into doing what she wants or feeling bad for her.  of course, i don't want anyone to be in pain, but she's been shown how much of her pain she generates for herself.  ugh!  don't want to get into it anymore.  there's too much there.

so, this has been overwhelming, and the timing sucked.  i'm managing to hang on, but with a lot of help from science and chemistry, which i'm not happy about. 

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owl25

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #65 on: May 23, 2020, 02:56:23 PM »
I had a toxic friend as a teen, it was awful, and added to my trauma I think. Your description of this person reminds me of my old "friend". She came back in later life trying to reconnect, told me she may have not been very nice to me, and when I didn't respond with "that's okay, don't worry about it", but instead confirmed that yes, she hadn't been, she got defensive and blamed it on how moody I was at the time (I just got sad and withdrawn quite often, and just wanted for someone to notice and care, but somehow it was my fault). I decided I didn't need this, and stopped responding to her. You don't owe this person anything, your first priority is your own well-being, and she clearly does not contribute to your well-being. You have the right to choose your own friends, and if someone doesn't make you safe and cared for, then they don't get to be your friend.

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Blueberry

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #66 on: May 23, 2020, 07:14:44 PM »
san I'm sending huge hugs  :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug: You do not owe that woman anything! I bet there's a blanket over on the Healing Porch which exudes such strong vibes of Leave Me in Peace that even she wouldn't consider going over your boundary again.

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sanmagic7

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #67 on: May 23, 2020, 09:46:59 PM »
hey, owl,

sounds like you got DARVO'd (Defensive, Angry, Reverse the Victim and Offender).  that happened to me with this woman  (as well as others) in the past, too.  it's quite the phenomenon to witness - they do it so quickly and with such conviction it can make you doubt yourself!  suddenly, your legitimate opinion is turned on you and they make you out to be the bad guy.  ugh!  very sorry you had to go thru that, but thanks for letting me know i'm not alone, and that you recognize this behavior. :hug:

blueberry, honestly, you made me laugh out loud! :rofl:  that blanket sounds perfect! thank you so very much!  :hug:

once again, i've gotten such lovely support and validating comments from people here.  thank you so much - i love you bunches!  you've helped me get her more and more out of my head so i can get back to some form of calm again.  no chemicals today, which is a big deal for me, and you all have helped me achieve that.   :grouphug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #68 on: May 25, 2020, 12:25:14 AM »
it ended up all to much for me - totally crashed now :fallingbricks: thanks for your help.

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Hope67

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #69 on: May 25, 2020, 10:18:39 AM »
Hi SanMagic,
I wanted to send you a very big, but gentle hug  :bighug:
Please know that you're much cared about and loved  :grouphug:
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #70 on: May 25, 2020, 10:37:40 AM »
you brought tears to my eyes, hope.  thank you so. :hug:

i woke up after 2 hrs. sleep dreaming that my ex bff was continually trying to drown me.  every time i'd come up for air, she'd push my head under again.  i fell back asleep, but it started over, and i woke up in a sweat.  don't need much of a dream interpreter for that!

dang, i wish my past would stop rearing up and smacking me in the face!  this is not good.  i felt so sick yesterday, couldn't go out and walk, stress flu.  horrible - i haven't felt that bad in quite a while.  this really knocked me outta my socks.

sometimes i wish i could just give up.

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owl25

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #71 on: May 25, 2020, 11:11:56 AM »
That sounds horrible, sanmagic :( It does show that that it really is the right decision to keep her out of your life. If you haven't done so, maybe block her completely in all possible ways so she can't contact you again down the road.

Re: DARVO - I didn't know there was a term for that. This was the first and only time this happened to me. At the time I thought, "seriously?!" - then decided I was completely done with her - sorry you've been through that more than once.

It sounds like this really knocked you down hard.  It's an awful place to be. No advice other than be gentle with yourself as you recover from this.  :grouphug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #72 on: May 26, 2020, 04:15:52 AM »
thanks, owl.  i'll be as ok as i can with myself, and if she contacts me again, i'll blast her, then block her.   :hug:

but i got another shot from my past today - i found out my sister died last fri. apparently from covid.  i'm numb right now - she hadn't talked to me for over 30 yrs., so we were definitely not close, but dang!  this has been a week and a half.  plus, last tues. my ex SIL died suddenly.  my d has had 2 aunts die in a week - luckily she hadn't been close to either of them.

don't know when all this is gonna hit me, but i don't doubt it will.  hopefully i'm talking to my t tomorrow - she was sick last week when everything went down w/ the ex bff so i haven't been able to let her know what's happened.  now this. 

i'm gonna write for a bit on my book.

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Snowdrop

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #73 on: May 26, 2020, 04:28:23 AM »
All of these things sound hard, and to have them all happen in such quick succession... oof. My heart goes out to you. I hope you're able to talk to your T tomorrow.

Wrapping you up in a big, big hug (if that's welcome) :bighug:

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Three Roses

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Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #74 on: May 26, 2020, 05:03:56 AM »
I've built you a comforting fire on the Healing Porch and fluffed all the pillows in your favorite rocking chair. There's a cup of tea and some soothing music; if you're in the mood for company I'll sit with you or you can be alone with your thoughts. A warm, gentle, nurturing hug to you!  :hug: