#7 - breaking though

  • 133 Replies
  • 3725 Views
*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7015
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
#7 - breaking though
« on: April 16, 2020, 10:42:38 PM »
being able to break thru the feelings of helplessness at what's going on in the world felt good today.  i can now accept that people are going to do what they are going to do, and it's something important for me to realize that i can't fix it.  always had that pressure on to fix things for people or situations.  don't have to do that now.

it's quite freeing, actually.  didn't think it could be, but if feels as if some of the shackles have been shrugged off.  this is the best i've felt, for the longest time running, since sept.  i've been able to resolve my anxiety before bed and acquire this knowledge that i can and do accept people will act in ways that i don't agree w/ or that i view as dangerous, disrespectful, or dishonorable.  3 d's, for sure - i've witnessed it and experienced it too many times.  glad to get that out of the way.

so, a new journal with a new perspective. i don't feel stuck anymore, which is such a relief.  what, 7 months or so of that?  way too long. 

will be getting into some of my childhood stuff, especially my dad stuff next week.  that should prove interesting.

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2005
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2020, 12:43:55 AM »
so, a new journal with a new perspective. i don't feel stuck anymore, which is such a relief.  what, 7 months or so of that?  way too long. 

 :cheer:           :party:       :waveline:

Letting go of what/who you can't fix or change-----that is huge!!!

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3458
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2020, 04:30:34 AM »
Yes!! This is AWESOME!  :yourock:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 245
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2020, 06:39:43 AM »
Wow, great progress San!   :cheer:

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6713
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2020, 03:06:28 PM »
but if feels as if some of the shackles have been shrugged off.  this is the best i've felt, for the longest time running, since sept.  i've been able to resolve my anxiety before bed and acquire this knowledge that i can and do accept people will act in ways that i don't agree w/

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  :yourock: :yahoo: :hug: :hug:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7015
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2020, 03:28:20 PM »
wow! and wow! again!  notalone, 3r, snook, and blueberry - what a wonderful surprise this morning!  i've got such a huge grin  ;D on my face right now, it's remarkable!  thank you all - you made my day!!!   :cheer: back atcha!   :grouphug:

yeah, that acceptance part does feel huge, especially in light of what's going on, how people are acting, etc.  i've heard the part of having someone be out of my control, having no power over them (Al-Anon, FA) but for some reason i kept it at that specific focus.  this does make it universal now.  still feels good.

thanks again, everyone.  you're the best! :grouphug:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7015
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2020, 04:43:27 PM »
i want to get to working more on this whole perfection thing - i think there are a lot of far reaching tentacles that i need to explore.  once again, i responded to a post, and felt like i did something bad, that i was gonna get punished.  someone had written about coming in #2 meant failure, and i totally related to that.  the idea that i can make mistakes, i will make mistakes, i do make mistakes - it all throws me.

i think there are a lot of F issues in there, and all over my life that i'm slowly recognizing, seeing how they've played a part in my own perspective, perceptions, and behaviors.  i'm better than i was 2 weeks ago, feeling much more stable, which feels good, but some of these things still turn me topsy-turvy and it's difficult to get out from under that feeling.

my last journal entry was about acceptance of others.  guess i've got work to do on accepting myself! wow, that hit home as i typed it, right in my gut!

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 245
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2020, 04:55:43 PM »
Hi San,

I hear you and I feel I understand your pain. I think we're both going through the same thought processes, so know that you're not on your own.  I am by your side, holding your hand as we work through this confusion  :stars:

I always value your posts and your replies, so I hope you no longer feel bad.

Sending hugs and hope that you can get through this. X

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7015
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2020, 03:41:41 PM »
hey, snook,

thank you for your response.  you mentioned that you feel my pain.  honestly, i didn't know i was in pain!  that's been part of my problem over my lifetime, tho, not being able to feel feelings and emotions in situations that others feel right away.  if i think hard on it, i could guess that being afraid of making a mistake could/would be painful.  it makes sense.  it's something lacking in me, so thanks for pointing it out.

and thanks for your kind, thoughtful words.  that was so sweet of you.  i am feeling better about it.  nothing bad happened - it was a knee-jerk reaction, i think, to expectations in my childhood.  which also shows how often i'm not in my adult self.  ugh!

yesterday is gone, and i'm glad.  i didn't feel right most of the day.  talked to my t in the morning, which was good, but i hadn't gotten that frizzed out feeling early on for about a week.  xanax to the rescue, but i'd been so proud of myself for feeling stable enough to be without it for a week.  then BLAM!  sos - and i reacted badly the entire day cuz of the night before.

so, onward today.  these throw me, tho.  i think i'm making great progress, and get whammed in the face with a frisbee full of anxiety.  it wasn't till i listed everything i'd dealt with in the past few days that helped me see it was a lot.  i kept thinking i was handling everything so well, but i guess i was just tucking it in my pocket thinking it wouldn't overflow.  i think my pocket at this point is quite shallow, doesn't hold very much.  nor should it, if i'm honest with myself. 

i think somewhere inside i continue to wish that i could manage things, juggle everything in life like i used to do, but when i think just a little more deeply about that, i have to tell myself that that's exactly what got me to this point - the anxiety, the body pains, the brain overload.  it's because i stopped trying to be who i was, stopped trying to deal with everything that came down the pike, stopped thinking i'm better than everyone that has allowed me to now feel more, be more human.  strange how that works.  living stress-free (essentially) is so much better for me - i haven't been sick since my flu shot in sept., and i have more good days than bad lately.

it's a difficult transition to make, tho.  people might look at it and think i have it ideal now, but it's hard to go from one way of looking at and living life to a completely different way.  it's work.

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6713
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2020, 06:53:12 PM »
living stress-free (essentially) is so much better for me - i haven't been sick since my flu shot in sept., and i have more good days than bad lately.
:applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer:

it's a difficult transition to make, tho.  people might look at it and think i have it ideal now, but it's hard to go from one way of looking at and living life to a completely different way.  it's work.

 :yeahthat:  But you are doing it!  :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:  :hug:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7015
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #10 on: April 23, 2020, 02:48:56 AM »
blueberry, love you and all your support.  thank you so much - you made my heart smile  :)

much better day today and so glad to be able to report that.  eating was natural, not out of control, and i feel good about that, too.  it would be nice if this hangs around for a bit.  here's hopin'  . . .

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7015
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #11 on: April 23, 2020, 10:16:42 PM »
and, down again.  nightmare last nite, bad dreams this afternoon.  i feel totally stressed the last 2 days, starting yesterday afternoon.  i'm so frickin' sick of this up and down crapola!

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2005
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #12 on: April 24, 2020, 01:17:43 AM »
San, just sending care and hugs to you.  :hug:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7015
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #13 on: April 24, 2020, 04:25:04 AM »
thanks, notalone - feels really good to hear that.  hoping to sleep tonite, will be talking w/ my t tomorrow. 

*

Hope67

  • Member
  • 2410
    • View Profile
Re: #7 - breaking though
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2020, 08:36:31 AM »
Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug, and hope it goes ok with your T tomorrow, and also that you have some better sleep tonight.   :hug:
Hope  :)