More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

Starting new Journals is a little contagious ;-)   I've decided that my old one is getting a little long at 33 pages. More importantly though:

I now understand on a much deeper level how all those physical symptoms I get are directly related to trauma and that if I don't keep on top of them, keep using particular exhaling exercises and other exercises my T has taught me over the years, I end up getting sick. All the terrible colds I get, which are almost flu-like in their symptoms and keep me in bed for the best part of 2 weeks? They're due to emotions getting stuck in my throat, which I feel as a huge frog in my throat, rather than being processed outwards. When they get stuck, sooner or later they turn into a cold. As if being stuck in that spot they end up festering and then infecting my throat.

Even though doing things like EFT (tapping) and other such exercises really exhausts me, physically even - my arms and shoulders get really sore - though I know it's an emotional exhaustion demonstrated in a physical way. But still when I feel how sore they are and how exhausted, I tend to avoid doing my exercises. But now with realising on this deeper level how much these stuck emotions contribute to these continuing bouts of terrible colds/flu, then I can feel more of a willingness to do my therapy exercises. I do not want to go down with a cold atm and then have everybody including myself think I have covid.

Had a really intense T session yesterday and then today after doing a brief exercise that helps tone the ICr down, I was so exhausted I slept for most of the afternoon. A really deep sleep. So I did some processing homework 

[sanmagic7]

 

such a huge realization!  blueberry, that is so great.   :woohoo:i know from my own experience how much stress and not being able or willing to express emotions can pound on me physically, make and keep me sick.  i'm very proud of you (if it's my place to say that) for taking that leap and putting more energy toward yourself in a pos. way.     i can't tell you how very happy i am for you right now.   

also, very glad to hear you let yourself sleep  when your body and mind needed it.  i truly do think that's part of it as well.  we are so concerned w/ being 'productive' and doing something 'constructive' every day cuz we've been taught by others that to do otherwise means we're lazy (one of my least favorite words) or selfish or some such nonsense,   well done, you!    love and hugs, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

Yay for growing and healing more and more! 🌱

[Not Alone]

Realizing those things is huge. Yay.

I sure understand sleeping for the afternoon. Therapy is often tiring for me. Sometimes it really takes me out.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all, san, 3R and notalone for your validation. 

i'm very proud of you (if it's my place to say that) for taking that leap and putting more energy toward yourself in a pos. way.     i can't tell you how very happy i am for you right now.   

Thank you also for this, san. If you feel proud of me, you can say so! It helps me even. This morning I'm proud of having done some more processing last night in bed before I went to sleep and then again on waking up at 3am with a splitting headache. I know that type of headache, it's as if the energy stuck in my throat zooms up to my forehead instead of being exhaled. After doing the processing, I turned my light off again and went back to sleep, so it worked  The headache was gone by the time I finished processing. This gives me a good incentive to keep going doing my homework and other processing methods I already know.

[Blueberry]

I had another long sleep this afternoon, apparently I needed it.
I'm actually feeling good atm 
After my long nap, I made myself some tea and sat in the garden and then I did some actual gardening. After that I had the impulse to go for a little cycle, which I did. Idk when the last time was that I wanted to go for a cycle just for the fun of it. I'm glad I acted on the impulse 

This morning I taught one-on-one out in my garden. There's less risk than being indoors. I'm teaching the local language rather than my native language and that makes me a bit more nervous but I managed well.

I have better sleeping patterns atm. I'll be in bed before midnight, no hanging around till 2am simply not going to bed.

[Blueberry]

I have a huge frog-in-my-throat this morning so I'm noting here that it would be advisable for me to do some processing today. There's a shift coming in my mind. It's not about 'should' or 'have to', it's about almost wanting to because it makes me feel better. There is also a fairly large part of me that would prefer to go back to bed and sleep, but I do know that that doesn't get rid of frog-in-my-throat. Just delays it and gives it the opportunity of getting bigger.

I read an article Kizzie posted https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2570.msg99972#msg99972 on Toxic Arguing Tactics and I saw myself all over the place. Though probably I'm seeing myself partially through the eyes of FOO. And also still believing in what FOO says of themselves. The article talks about how narcissists argue without having any knowledge of logical fallacies etc, whereas FOO was very big on the usage of logic in arguments and talked about things like 'logical fallacies' all the time.  Though when it came to me and the things I tried to bring up e.g. abuse, they lost their sense of logic and resorted to put-downs and worse.

I really shouldn't have read the article because now I have one more thing to process today. NTS

[Blueberry]

I ran away from my T homework yesterday though at least not all that I did was unhealthy, e.g. I went for a little cycle with 2 friends. We're sort of allowed to do that here so long as we space ourselves out properly. I sat in the garden for a while and I did a little work e.g. weeding and watering and I even planted something in a better place.

But this morning I finally did some processing. The lump in my throat is maybe a little less and I do have some idea what's behind it. I'm angry at B1 for his claims in the past when we were teens/early 20's that "Rules are made to be broken" which meant he didn't have to stick to any rules and he could go over my limits. There's more behind that. His smugness, self-satisfaction. No one like my parents sticking up for me in anyway of course. I'm not processing this yet, but it made me feel so powerless. There was nothing I could do to change the situation. When I was processing I avoided going into feeling the powerlessness because that would take me into a hysterical Inner Child and I agree with my T that that is no longer good for me.

I'm also angry at my business neighbour for treating the Coronavirus rules so flippantly or just ignoring them altogether. i.e. he doesn't keep back 1.5m and he hangs around in the doorway into our building or even sits on the step smoking. The doorway is not 1.5m wide. It's just so strenuous for me to make the necessary changes for my own business to re-open like ordering plexiglass protection to set up between me and a student and a few other things I need to re-open and on top of that organising things in the entrance way with signs you're meant to have like: Keep 2m apart. He has remained open some of the time, sort of, with no protection, no signs, nothing. And no kind of understanding that it's law!

And I'm angry at everybody in the building for constantly leaving work to me or it doesn't get done and leaving limit-setting to me or it doesn't get done and people invade my space instead of getting rid of some junk a previous tenant left lying around or a current tenant has piled somewhere.  That's the kind of work I eventually do: get rid of some junk. It isn't totally easy here at the best of the times. You can't just drive it to the dump and leave it - you have to pay a fee for some of it and different types go to different places. I'm also the only one in the building who relies on a bicycle for transportation and even though I have been able to borrow a cargo bike for a year or two now, it still involves more trips and more effort than a car would. Especially  when I'm the only one to do this kind of work and it's not even my stuff! I do cart my own stuff away, I've always done that, even when I had to go on foot in pre-cargo bike days.

[Blueberry]

After eating some chocolate I decided against eating some cheese and went on to do more processing Now I feel kind of jittery and Idk how much of that is to do with eating a dark chocolate Easter bunny and how much is to do with processing. Probably a mix. After processing, I washed the dishes which is grounding for me and also helps me find some structure, even if just a little. Having my hands messing around in a sinkful of water is good for me too. Bucketfuls of water e.g. for floor-cleaning are not useful, probably because most cleaning jobs are triggering.

Between yesterday and today I've moved a lot further along towards adopting a little group of Little Furries again.

Another communication from FOO, the parents this time, wondering how I'm doing and whether I received money from them. Today when I feel more on top of things despite nervous feelings in gut and general jitteriness, I'm once again reminded how this corona stuff is not the big issue. No, it's cptsd and all it brings with it, for me e.g. the amount of energy it takes for me to inquire about this or that, get back to my IT guy about the fact that Skype didn't work with a student. She could hear me but I couldn't hear her. The amount of energy involved in contacting my accountant re: are 2018's taxes done? I handed them in late as usual (because it's so much effort for me), but they still ought to be done by now and they don't seem to be... And a bunch of other stuff of that nature.

Still, I'm moving forwards.  It's very which is nice, though actually the garden and I suppose especially the farms could do with However I tend to manage to be a bit more active when the weather's not overcast. Though there are plenty of times when the weather doesn't help either.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

#1 - i am so mad at your neighbors  for not doing their part.  that's just rude and inexcusable, disrespectful and dismissive of your rights.  ugh!

#2 - a huge GOOD FOR YOU!  for continuing to do your processing, especially when waking up in the middle of the night and being able to get rid of your headache.  i love that you can distinguish what kind of head hurt that was, that it had moved from your throat upward.  well done!

#3 - i totally agree w/ you about so much of what we're going thru re: covid-19 is c-ptsd related.  our backgrounds exacerbate everything, including fear, anxiety, isolation, etc. 

#4 - the idea that the people in our lives live by their own rules, and, to me, the worst part is that they will change the rules to suit their own agendas.  'rules are meant to be broken' is a prime example, to my mind. that's a one-way sentiment/belief.  i say this because if one of us breaks one of their rules, suddenly that example goes out the window.  that's why we can never 'win' when we're up against them.  if we play their game, they will continuously change the rules so we always end up beaten.  i think nc is the only way to remove ourselves from their loop.

it's like that movie 'war games', where the computer concluded the only way to win the game is not to play at all.  that has stuck in my mind since i first saw it, and it made total sense.  the first person i was able to see that with was my sis.  and, yep, she used logic all over the place, but she changed it when it afforded her some benefit to do so.  ugh!

keep going, blueberry.  i think you're doing wonderfully, i really do.  love and hugs to you, my dear.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san so much for your validation, encouragement and for once again giving me words for what's going on.

[Blueberry]

I woke up with about 5 different physical symptoms including the old lump-in-throat that could do with therapy exercises, but I haven't so far done any. Yesterday I had a bit of an eating binge before going to bed, so that was another sign.  today instead though some of it useful i.e. teaching.

Re: the eating binge - what I ate could definitely have been worse. Today I don't have the feeling of "Oh well, now that I've started using the eating-crutch I might as well continue."   More like: today's a new day, can try and process instead. Or at least pause before over-eating and try a different, more healthy crutch and then return to processing.

I'm remembering what a member here - Dee - used to quote from her T: it's not a question of whether we resort to our addictions / unhealthy eating, it's when. And then presumably what we do about it, i.e. continue? or try and process?

[sanmagic7]

i like that 'new day' concept, blueberry.  i used to do the other all the time.  in fact, i'm using the 'new day' concept today - yesterday was a lot of unneeded eating.  so, we'll begin again!

love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

Thanks, san. Unfortunately I haven't done any processing yet today. I feel all jittery and haven't done 'much of use' at all. I sat in the sun in my kitchen for a couple of hours and dozed off while doing crosswords. I did go into the garden briefly to pick some wild flowers afterwards, but I feel unsafe outside the house. That will undoubtedly be an EF and not covid-related either.

Today I did finally have a shower, washed my hair and even put conditioner in it. It feels and looks better. Nonetheless I have been running my fingers through it and pulling it out since then, more than before I washed it. It's normally the other way round.

Let's see: the construction site next door has extended slightly so that the builders - one of whom lives in my building - could look in at least one of my windows if they felt like it.

I'm adopting some Little Furries on Friday and although I'm very happy about it, it's also a change and caring for them daily will bring some added work to my schedule. Even just going to meet the Little Furries and check on their ailments (of which there are a few) and then bring them home feels stressful. Though someone I know who is very knowledgeable about this type of pet is coming with me to give a second opinion on the ailments. From just looking at the photos she thinks the ailments are actually different from what has been said. One of them could be more of a problem than thought, the other less of a problem. So I'll see.

The neighbour who spreads and spreads seems to have plugged her basement fridge back in, with the only difference being that the cord has been laid differently so doesn't need the extension. Sigh. Groan.    I wrote her an email yesterday, also stating a limit (Friday this week!) by when she has to pay me for the power she used in January. Although I wrote that email, which means I got some of my annoyance out of my system, it's probably been dealt with more on an intellectual level and not really on an emotional level.

After talking to the ll next door about the spreading-neighbour in the garden on what is actually next door's property (don't ask...) and ll saying he'd be annoyed about some of that stuff going on too and also mentioning his employee (the builder who lives in my building), I got up the courage to speak to builder-neighbour a couple of times, mostly small things like him enjoying sitting out in the garden now  but also attempted to clear up a disagreement between the two of us months ago now. He's not very good at the local language yet, so there's always room for misunderstandings, but I did manage to explain why it was that I wouldn't help him back then (health-related!) and why I suggested he speak to two other neighbours. He explained now that he tried but one of them didn't have the necessary equipment to help him and the other (spreading-neighbour) gave him the wrong information. Possibly on purpose, possibly because she seems pretty spaced out, except about things that are important to her. (Which is different from me being dissociated, because then I'm spaced about everything.) Help somebody else in the building Take on a communal job in the building when asked  Clean up after herself when in a shared part of the building  (Tho to be fair when her h is here, he does sweep the floor after they've made a mess). Then my builder neighbour went on to complain about spreading-neighbour. So much for her information to me that everybody in the building complains about me all the time. Well, at least one complains about her too. (Long rant, probably good for me to write.) Anyway because of his explanations and reaction towards me, I feel as if bad feelings on both sides have been healed a bit. That definitely feels more relaxed. A change for the better

[Blueberry]

#1 - i am so mad at your neighbors  for not doing their part.  that's just rude and inexcusable, disrespectful and dismissive of your rights.  ugh!

Thanks for giving me words for what's being done to me and using strong words like 'inexcusable' for it as well.

#4 - the idea that the people in our lives live by their own rules, and, to me, the worst part is that they will change the rules to suit their own agendas.  'rules are meant to be broken' is a prime example, to my mind. that's a one-way sentiment/belief.  i say this because if one of us breaks one of their rules, suddenly that example goes out the window.  that's why we can never 'win' when we're up against them.  if we play their game, they will continuously change the rules so we always end up beaten.  i think nc is the only way to remove ourselves from their loop.

This helps me understand better what I endured with FOO in my teens, early 20's and later too. You're so right. Breaking one of B1's rules when I was a teenager / early 20's and even later brought a ton of rage, totally disproportionate to what I had done: Spoke. Defended myself verbally, lost his spare key, that kind of thing. I didn't actually lose his spare key but the consequences he'd promised if I did, were so over the top that I spent my little hike when I was visiting him in such a state of nervous tension that I couldn't find the keys anywhere on me or in my bag although I did have them on me. This happens to me sometimes: I simply cannot see what is right in front of me, often it's a key or some such small object. I don't seem to be able to feel it with my fingers either. It's very strange but it happens. I guess it's some form of dissociation. Fortunately in the hike example, after retracing my steps and not finding his key on the ground anywhere, I then did find it in my bag after all.

SIL2 is another one with obscure rules that don't apply to her. She's big on people being polite. Her ideas on what is polite is based on the etiquette of the social class and area of the country she comes from, which is a country none of FOO is from and I certainly wouldn't place myself in her social class. She's quite fine with looking down her nose at me, glaring at me or even making nasty comments for what she sees as inexcusable but permits herself to be as rude as she likes under the guise of 'humour'. I'm pretty much NC with her. I don't object to photos via email of the LOs, which happens max once a year, but that's it. If I have something to communicate, then it's via B2. With FOO I'm VVVLC not NC for various reasons, but I do understand how NC might be better in some ways. My T is working with me to help me stay out of the loop while still getting a few benefits: money and a little contact to LOs.

Of course M and F have and had different rules for me as opposed to for B1, B2, SIL2, themselves, each other etc. 

'Rules are meant to be broken' is so arrogant, at least when I hear B2 saying it in my head.      At least I'm in touch with some of my anger atm. I can't imagine myself ever saying 'Rules are meant to be broken' as a general rule or in order to be dismissive of somebody else. It's big progress for me to think to myself "I'm going to break this rule", imposed by FOO.

I have T tomorrow which will be helpful.