More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

Started by Blueberry, April 17, 2020, 03:34:24 PM

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Tee

 :hug: I like bright colors they make me smile. Every step matters. :hug:

Blueberry

Thank you Tee. I put a colourful skirt on today instead of the usual fairly unfeminine clothing I've been wearing the past while. It's another step.

Last night I wrote out a whole lot of small tasks I could be doing business-wise. These are either things that need to be done, like 2019 taxes or things that might help me a little with 2020 taxes or - even better - things that might help me earn a little more money by getting a pre-Covid student or two back. But then I just stayed in bed all morning instead of getting up to do any of that.

At least I did manage to teach today and got a few books for exam prep out of the library. All these small steps count. Now I'm going to tackle some of the things from this morning's list.

Before I do though - I see and read how many on these boards are going through rough patches atm and I know that I'm not in such a bad spot anymore. I'm grateful for that. I don't even think Corona is so difficult for me atm.

Tee


Blueberry

Once again thank you Tee for your validation  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on June 30, 2020, 03:43:29 PM
Last night I wrote out a whole lot of small tasks I could be doing business-wise. These are either things that need to be done, like 2019 taxes or things that might help me a little with 2020 taxes or - even better - things that might help me earn a little more money by getting a pre-Covid student or two back.

This list helped both yesterday and today, especially the things that might bring a few clients back. My teaching was pretty scatter-brained yesterday. This afternoon I'll do a few things which will help me to be better prepared tomorrow and next week.

Other than business stuff, I have been doing a few bits and pieces, mainly throwing odd things out like papers. I also put a box of give-away stuff outside my office and it was all gone in 2 hours. I prefer giving away to throwing away.

Yesterday I signed up for another free online trauma conference, but noticed I couldn't be bothered looking at most of the videos. There was just one where I looked at maybe half of it. For me it's a good sign.

I noticed a few days ago that I've been undercharging my adult students who do 60 minute lessons, by €1 and a few cents. Maybe I originally decided on that as a discount for somebody doing 60 minutes instead of 45? Anyway, no discounts for that any more :no:  I need my money and I put a lot of work and preparation time into my lessons, so I'm raising those prices by €1! It's taken me a few days to really decide that, really it's a case of daring to do it, even though both adults with 60 minute lessons have said my prices are very reasonable. I have a nervous feeling in my gut, which I don't want to work on though it would be useful. Oh well, T appointment tomorrow.

A few days ago was B1's birthday. I noticed for the first time (I think) that it was a bit disturbing. M turned up in my mind ranting on about him being hurt and disappointed that I hadn't contacted him. That is past stuff.

I've started doing a new healing gesture/move. My hands tend to curl inwards when I'm walking along. You could say into very loose fists and I run my thumb along the finger nails. I know it's a very old habit, probably from childhood even, as well as a sign of nervousness. I've started splaying and then stretching my fingers, which makes me yawn. My T actually suggested stretching and taking up more space when I want to curl up in a ball and/or go back to bed at inappropriate times of day. So I'm applying that to my hands as well. I used to say the trauma is stuck in my hands. I'm sure it's still partly there.


sanmagic7

blueberry, it sounds like you're making some wonderful, pos. progress for yourself.  cleaning house, tossing irrelevant stuff, noticing old patterns and behaviors - the hand realization sounds huge to me.  i'm so happy for you.  i hope it's making a pos. difference in getting past your past, dealing with the present, and moving forward into a bright, new future.  yay, you!   :yes:

keep going - so proud of you, if it's my place to say that.  you are warming my heart.  love and hugs :hug:

Blueberry

There's so much going on in me atm that I've sort of slumped again. There are things I know I could be doing, such as EFT  or going down into the garden/cleaning anywhere in my apartment/doing a little toss-out in this or that small box, but I went into semi-hibernation instead. I suppose there are 2 or 3 main topics atm.

I feel all at sea about what I think and want re: coronavirus e.g. It comes down to boundaries I think. I need to set them, but I haven't been doing that so well recently. Some people say to me "Shall I put my mask on?" and I mumble indistinctly instead of saying "Yes please!" I think to myself "Why do you ask?? Why don't you just put it on the way you're meant to??" The less other people wear them and the more people do away with the 1.5 m distancing, the more of an effort it is for me to maintain my own distance. There's definitely something EF-y going on for me. It's sort of: I feel I should just give up and conform, instead of rebelling. "Should" is never good for me though and since when is looking after yourself and your health rebelling? In my FOO. Oh well, there we have it in a nutshell.

Then a friend who earns more money than she needs (she says this herself) was planning to give me a set amount per month, but we're now fixing this as a contract and although that 'should' be straightforward, it isn't for me emotionally. I'm thinking things like "Don't you trust me??". Well, she isn't putting any pressure on me, so I certainly have time to let this one sit for a few days.

Upping my prices. That does make me frightened, nervous, insecure. otoh I don't want to go back on it now either.
I could be doing EFT on some or all of these topics, but haven't done so, so far. I watched and took notes on two of the sessions on the June 29th till July 5th Trauma Conference. One was all about Tapping, of which EFT is a type apparently. The other was about healing the disconnect between the amygdala and the pre-frontal cortex, and also about how the disconnect affects us. It was interesting and made a lot of sense. Unfortunately instead of getting on with anything I might have had impulses to do, I went into hibernation today. 

sanmagic7

maybe, with all this stuff swirling around you, you needed some hibernation.  i think you listened to your system, which is not a bad thing, to my mind. 

i'm a mask wearer, and so is my d.  what other people do is up to them, i guess.  it's like using condoms or seatbelts - all the info says they make everything safer, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to do it.  taking care of ourselves is a good thing, and i don't think it's a rebellion thing.  people have their own reasons for what they do or don't do - like anything else, it's personal.  may i encourage you to say 'yes, please' next time someone asks you that question?  if you're comfortable with doing that.

love and hugs, blueberry   :hug:

Blueberry

Thanks san for reminding me that I probably needed my hibernation :hug: You're reminding me to not be too harsh on myself and to look to the positive of what I'm doing, not to immediately condemn myself. Thank you so much.

Blueberry

So I suppose I need my hibernation today too? Though I actually do feel better when I get my act together. But this morning, I had so much planned that is to say two things that are difficult that I simply did not get up and stay up. Always went back to bed again. Of two afternoon students, one was a no-show which made things easier.

I just feel so unmotivated. Well, I am meant to be observing my behaviour after deciding to put my prices up and even mentioning that to two current adult students. My impulse is to run away and/or immediately suggest I back down on those new prices. Even though my two students haven't so far said "No way" or anything. Another impulse is to buy and eat a medium-sized tub of ice cream. Not really useful and certainly not figure-enhancing. But I did say I'd drop by on a friend's and collect a few things from her e.g. a small handsaw for some garden work I want to do.

Yesterday I finally moved forward on my office advertising. That's difficult too though.

sanmagic7

honestly, blueberry, this business stuff, especially raising prices, is hard work.  i know from working w/ my d on this stuff - getting her to raise prices for her editing work, etc. - that to give yourself what you're worth monetarily can be difficult.  we've believed for so long that we aren't worth much, so to announce to the world that we are worth more than before is a big jump mentally and emotionally.  in effect, we're telling the world that we are recognizing our worth and expecting them to recognize it as well. 

that kind of recognition, to my mind, is huge.  it can be draining to implement it and make it real.  i'm proud of you for doing what you're doing, for recognizing your worth.  you so deserve it!  well done!   :thumbup:

sending love and a hug filled w/ recognition. :hug:

Blueberry

#146
Thanks for telling me it's hard work. Really. I'm being serious. It's good to hear from someone else that it just isn't easy. That explains my reactions all week. Today I remembered to stretch my fingers and hands out again. And then yawn, yawn, yawn. That part comes automatically.

ICr. on the rampage, especially using that word "should" which is never good for me.  :sadno: Nor are the thoughts behind it, the associations with the word.

Blueberry

I'm spending way too much time on the Internet. Probably the most useful thing of all that is spending time on here, but nevertheless I'm going to take a little break from all of it (except if I really need to research something business-wise and except checking my emails) for 3 days. I really admire Hope for taking a break regularly for a whole month. However, better a short time than none at all. I can always extend the time if I want to too.

sanmagic7

go for it!  sounds like good self-care, blueberry!  love and hugs :hug:

Blueberry

#149
Thank you san  :)
So apart from that quick little message to san since her post is immediately above, I'm following my own rules of this morning and posting only something that pertains to me. I'm not reading or responding to anybody else's posts during this session on the forum. This is self-care of a kind I seldom to almost never allow myself.
________________________________________

It's only been not quite 3 days and I really missed writing on here. Particularly the first 24 hours were hard. It's been useful that I've needed to find a different outlet for some of my feelings, thoughts etc. otoh I do think some of the changes that have taken place in me in the past couple of days happened because that's where my healing has brought me rather than because I was fasting from almost all Internet (except business-related).

The biggest thing is that I really felt anger and went ahead and expressed it. One of my neighbours - the other business - went over one of my boundaries again. And I said in no uncertain terms: "This is my part of the garden and that is my chair you're sitting on. Get out!!" He was not happy, he argued, brought up all sorts of illogical, irrelevant arguments including that his customers have complained about my garden not looking nice though they can't even see the bit he was referring to from his workshop! It culminated in him saying he's going to put up a table and chairs outside his window, which just so happens to be in a spot of the garden I have tended for over 10 years.

I let fly verbally because I am so sick of other tenants coming and taking bits of my garden as their own (once I've done a lot of the ground work, of which there is a lot to do before you can even start planting - mainly removing stones, bricks, miscellaneous garbage, old roots etc etc and disposing of them somewhere which is not easy in this country and in the case of stones and bricks even costs money). So yes, I am just so sick of people marching in and demanding their 'right' to set up in my part of the garden :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: often using illogical and sometimes using complete bogus arguments. e.g. ones that are contrary to their rental lease. Garden usage is not included in the business leases here, it's just for the tenants who live here. I have both types of leases so I know that.

First I was thinking the other business is acting like an aggressor nation who just runs over the border of another country and sets up. I still think the analogy fits. But deeper down it's reminding me of B1. He did things like that too and he was supported in it by M probably by F too but no concrete memory has come yet. So for instance when I must have been about 11 or 12 I got in from school about 2pm without having had lunch (unusual in the English-speaking world but that's how it was) and made myself a sandwich. B noticed that my sandwich included the crust and demanded that I give him half my sandwich because (he assumed) there was no more bread. M joined in on his arguments - yes, indeed if that is the last slice of bread, you have to give him half. Both refused to hear?/listen to?/comprehend? my assertion that there was a whole other loaf of bread in the cupboard. In the cupboard - not half-frozen in the freezer or otherwise inedible - but fresh still in its bag in the bread cupboard.  :blowup: By the time B1 was sick of the argument and reached for the remains of my sandwich to take it by force, I managed to throw it to the dog instead. I was lucky actually, in other situations he would just hit me and then take by force. But what is with this just simply refusing to listen?? :blowup: It was not because they couldn't comprehend. I grew up in an 'intellectual' family, university-educated parents, one of them a university lecturer even, in the Humanities, who prided themselves on their intelligence and logical thinking and didn't tire of telling me directly and indirectly how stupid they thought I was.

My business neighbour doesn't ply the 'intelligence' line, but now that he's noticed that the 'grooming' he was doing in the first months here doesn't actually work with me, it's as if he's sulking. He really reminds me of a small child who can't take a 'No' and is arguing all sorts of junk with their parents. A long time ago I was babysitting a little boy of about 6, summer evening, fairly close to bedtime, he'd already had his bath and his parents said he was not allowed out again that evening. Still after this parents left, he figured he had to have an argument with me about that, in which he claimed that he would of course manage to keep completely clean even if he went out and played in the sandbox again. I don't think so. There's probably a better word than 'bogus argument' when you're referring to a 6 year old because possibly they even really believe that they can play in the sandbox and remain clean.

But I'm also done with all these excuses and imaginings I could come up with: maybe he's traumatised too  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: He probably doesn't realise what he's doing  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: He's probably reacting that way because Blueberry is too strict, not friendly enough, should be more patient, should be more clear :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: should explain all about rental lease because neighbour doesn't speak the local language so well and on top of all of that this age-old thing called: Blueberry has got to give way because  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: I have had enough of it all!!!