More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm very sorry i used that absolute pertaining to 'the only way out of the loop is thru nc.'  it's not the only way, and i was wrong to say that.    i'm glad your t is helping you find a way that will work for you and your situation.  that's absolutely great. 

sending love and a hug filled with 'it won't happen again'.

[Blueberry]

blueberry, i'm very sorry i used that absolute pertaining to 'the only way out of the loop is thru nc.'  it's not the only way, and i was wrong to say that. 

Dear san, don't worry about that! I didn't take your remark as being prescriptive, but more like: we need to get out of the loop and stay out. Or keep getting out again   Every day is a new day   Nah, I don't mess this up so much any more.    right backatcha.

[Blueberry]

In the past few days I had dealings with a woman who I caught twisting the truth up, spinning tales etc. Idk whether she has a PD or not and I don't actually even care. Today I came out on top. I have what I want and need and what she denied me on Friday despite having emailed me a couple of days before saying I could choose on Friday.

I just was not impressed with all her yarns and I saw through her and she knew I did. She knew I'd won the argument so to speak so she gave in. She told me we'd do the exchange this evening in 2 minutes then she never wanted to see me again and she didn't want any discussions during the hand-over. But then she herself tried to discuss and accuse me of all sorts of stuff during the hand-over. I just let it all flow over me until I reminded her the plan had been not to discuss I obviously know more than she does about the topic, not that I realised that on Friday, but I do now. I don't have the feeling that I need to prove anything to her. I don't have any  feelings or need to churn it all over in my head. That's all progress for me

In addition I notice that I am capable of holding my own and not even being triggered in a discussion with conflicting view points. Yay! I hadn't envisaged the whole thing would go as easily as it did this evening.

At my last appt with my T, he said (and I realised it too) that I need to dwell more on my successes than I have done up until now. Really make it clear to myself: I achieved xyz and not criticise and harangue myself for maybe not realising something quickly enough or for continuing to grumble to my neighbour when she has already given me what I needed from her. I did that this past week. My T says: forget it! My neighbour is far from perfect in her dealings with me. The important thing is that I set her a limit (before our 'discussion') and she acted on it. That means that now things are different from in FOO. I can get people to accept my limits and act in an appropriate way towards me, even if it sometimes takes a few months and some reminders....

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You definitely rock - that is great how you handled that situation, and it's a positive outcome.    
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with 3r and hope - you rock, blueberry!  well done

i like the idea of remembering your successes - i think that's a good reminder all the way around.  it's too easy to get caught up in the negative, isn't it.  well, we've all had more practice with that!  love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

Thank you all Today I felt a bit EF-y about it, so it's good I wrote it down and got validation from you all.

i like the idea of remembering your successes - i think that's a good reminder all the way around.  it's too easy to get caught up in the negative, isn't it. 

It's especially easy for me to get caught up in my list of things to do rather than take a step back and say to myself    and celebrate for myself what I've achieved. As soon as I go back to thinking what all I 'should' do some of which has been on the list for weeks or months, then I get caught back up in the negative very fast. The negative of feeling 'useless', incapable, slow, stupid, incompetent etc. etc. The opposite would be the belief that I can do this!! The word for the opposite has slipped my mind in English. I would remember if I saw it.

On Thursday I managed another thing too: I managed to put my outside washing line up again, on the second go. The good thing is: I told myself  - You are capable of doing this and then I was able. I've had trouble with it before which helps me develop a mental and psychological block and I generally have trouble with that sort of thing anyway.

I got stuck on some other stuff today. I turned off my computer and was honestly about to allow myself to go into my apartment and lie down on my sofa, but instead I got down on my hands and knees to do some measuring, then I worked out the square metrage of my office space and then I even phoned a couple of businesses about some covid protective measures it might be advisable for me to get installed. One company is going to drop by tomorrow to give me an estimate. So that's certainly got the ball rolling again. 

[Not Alone]

  for the positive steps you are taking. Care and hugs to you no matter what you do or don't do, just because you are you. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you very much notalone! 

  Care and hugs to you no matter what you do or don't do, just because you are you. 

This is difficult for me to grasp, especially the underlined bit, but I know that has to do with my past, with the emotional / psychological abuse. I know also from their posts that other mbrs on here have trouble with this concept so I am not alone. Nobody will laugh at me for not grasping this concept with my emotions.

___________________________________

I realised today I tend to agree to do something for somebody too quickly for myself before I even know if the other person needs it that fast or at all. I leap to attention and agree to give somebody something of mine based on some chance remark of theirs. When I agree to do something too soon for my own capacities, then I'm giving something of mine: my time, my energy, my sense of peace (which I lose to stress). The thing I said I'd do by today - it's not even business - the people emailed me today saying "No problem!! Take the time you need." I really needed this reprieve. But how about I had asked them on the weekend how long I could take for the decision because I have a lot of stuff piling up where I need to make decisions? Or even without the "because..." since they don't need to know or understand why.

[sanmagic7]

dear blueberry,

i relate to this completely.  i was conditioned to 'jump' whenever there was something someone wanted, never being able to think of myself first.  i've gone thru this similar scenario so many times!  i still catch myself doing it, altho it's not as often as in the past.  i'm glad for you that you're able to recognize it. 

keep taking care of you!  love and hugs 

[Blueberry]

I did a little EFT last night in bed, tho not even a complete round. It enabled me to fall asleep. Last time I told my T of such an incident he replied that it was good because doing EFT was at least enough to relax me enough to sleep! I hadn't seen it that way but rather as a failure because I hadn't completed all 3 rounds and I probably also had planned to do EFT on several different topics, as was the case last night too. But at least I slept! Eye and mind on change for the better not on 100% goal.

On Friday i adopted 3 Fur Babies and was rather disconcerted to note that I felt overwhelmed and not particularly happy, though I had Fur Babies of this type for years. But by today I'm noticing their benefit for me far more. I'm interacting with them more and they are with me too. When I look at them and talk to them, they come out of their corners and hidden spots and approach me or gaze at me from a raised part of their housing, then they start interacting with each other again, which is normal for them and better than each sitting in a corner 

[Three Roses]

Fur babies! 🐹🐰🐭❤️❤️❤️

[Blueberry]

dear blueberry,

i relate to this completely.  i was conditioned to 'jump' whenever there was something someone wanted, never being able to think of myself first. 

Thanks for this san. It shows me I'm not alone and it also helped me make some more connections in my head.

I was conditioned to jump before the other person wanted something from me. Having been regularly told by M that I was "in the way", I constantly asked people if I was in the way right up into my 20's. Needless to say, I didn't end up with good awareness of my own space and boundaries. How could I have? "You're in the way" from M meant that I wasn't really meant to exist anyway, but if I did then I was supposed to be a mind-reader and know where she was stepping next or what she was doing next. So there was no safe space around me, nowhere where I could just be and not have somebody pushing me aside or feel constantly on the alert that it might happen. Of course probably nobody much on this forum had the feeling of safe space around them growing up but somehow in my mind I'm seeing this totally penetrable circle around Child me. I'm not even going in as far as to feel it yet.

[Not Alone]

Or even without the "because..." since they don't need to know or understand why.

I am learning this too. I'm getting a lot of practice with work. I text "sorry, not available" (to work a shift) with out explaining. . . 'because I need time to just be. .  .'because I have therapy the day before and need to crash. . . because. . . .because.. . .  Nope. No need to give a reason. My reason for not accepting a shift is good for me. It doesn't matter if the other person would understand or think the reason is 'good enough,' therefore, no need to give a reason.

[sanmagic7]

 

the whole idea of safe space surrounding some of us is so very inherent in our beings at times.  even when i was renting a room in that woman's house a couple years ago, she would venture in w/out permission while i was working at the computer, and scare the crapola out of me!  then, when i jumped and let out a yell, she'd laugh.  my heart rate jumped sky high.  my sis used to jump out and scare me like that when we were kids, and also laugh when i got startled.  after nearly 2 yrs. of living w/ my d, who is very respectful, my startle response has lessened somewhat, but it still shows up at times.  our past experiences can be so difficult to overcome.

also, those unrealistic expectations to be able to read minds and anticipate someone else's behavior - it's like they've been branded in our brains or something.  ugh!  wears me out just thinking about it!  i hate that your M did that to you.

i've started doing EFT tapping before bed to relax me, too, and it's been helping.  i haven't always done 3 rounds, either - i've stopped when i could just feel it thru my body and give a yawn.  i'm glad you've found it helpful for yourself.

love and hugs, blueberry.