More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

  Just finished exploding at a neighbour. Or to be more precise the mother of a neighbour. My explosions include boundary setting. I said quite a lot before exploding. But she just wouldn't stop with these long reams of "but what can I do...." (other than put things in my part of the garden or in front of my basement door or.....). And also "but these garden tomatoes are just so lovely, I thought of you while picking each one..." There's a puke button over at OOTF. After I'd already told her yesterday and again today that I don't want them.

She said "you shouldn't get angry like that it's bad for our health."    (That's my inner bomb going off)        Actually my T thinks it's good that I occasionally get a bit loud rather than bottling it up. I don't care if it's bad for her health. She ought to have learnt to accept my boundaries by now. Anyway I broke off the discussion by leaving while she was still speaking.

I kind of feel like              I remember the first time as an adult when I simply left my M's company to go and sit where I wanted and not where she demanded we all sit. When I went back to my parents to continue the hike, she commented on me going off as if I had been in the huff or sulking like a small child. I didn't say anything. Arguing back didn't bring much. She just seemed to think (as usual) it had absolutely nothing to do with her.

My T said it's important that I don't drift into imagining what people like my neighbours think of me, especially after I've set a boundary. It's hard though.

I slept much of the day - it's so hot here atm. Had at least 2 nightmares. In one, two of my Little Furries were being hounded by a larger animal and I kept having to rescue them. It was more stressful than it might seem. I mean in a dream I don't know it's not true, do I? Whereever I put them, whereever they went especially the weaker of my 3 Little Furries was being hounded from the back. I don't remember the other nightmare any more, but after I woke up I thought that I'm processing stuff atm.

[Blueberry]

Anger and rage. At least I know better why. People going over my stated boundaries, provoking seemingly on purpose. Being incapable or unwilling to accept NO!!! Then purporting to care about me with statements like I'm damaging my health.  Yeah, then leave me alone for crying out loud. I remember as a child that's what I often cried in FOO: "Leave me alone!" So now I have the M of a neighbour clinging to me, rubbing her stupid tomatoes under my nose with her manipulative clap-trap like "I picked them especially for you" which is exactly what she said last time about her garden berries which I eventually and reluctantly accepted. This time I didn't accept and still she comes.

I actually have an exercise from T which I found in my diary but I don't want to feel into it enough to do it.

Bunch of FOO statements in my head like "you've got to get on with other people". I've lost my temper twice in the space of about 6 weeks in this building and got loud. You're not meant to do that, you're meant to be able to keep your cool as an adult. I feel like I'm being baited. My T said actually I shouldn't be involved in discussions with the M of my neighbour because she's not the one who even lives here, but either my neighbour leaves it up to her or the M does it on her own initiative.  Good that I have T again on Thursday. When my feelings are that near the surface and anger and pain/sadness coming up together, it's time I looked at things with T.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I'm not spending much time on OOTS this month, but tonight I caught up on reading your journal. Bravo for all the boundaries you are setting and keeping, although it sounds stressful and exhausting with the people you have to deal with in your building. 

[Blueberry]

Dear notalone,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to comment.  And especially for supporting me in my boundary-setting, applauding me for doing so. 
________________________

I've just had my T appointment. My T says similar things. Also that since I grew up not being able to defend myself at all (because FOO didn't allow me) I didn't learn how to regulate either e.g. when should I simply say "That's my boundary and I'm not discussing this further." or when to remain open to discussion. So atm it's simply important that I'm stating and reiterating my boundary, then defending it. And whatever my neighbours think or don't think about all of that, it's irrelevant. I am not losing control - just my ICr tells me that I am. But I'm not. Yes, sometimes I get a bit loud and occasionally throw in a word that would turn into an asterisk on here (although directed at the situation rather than at the person), but I'm doing it under provocation towards people who consistently ignore my boundaries and pretend not to understand them or to never have heard them because I purportedly have not said them. I'm not simply blowing a fuse at anybody I come across on the street.

In my T appointment we spent most of the time talking about how much the family friend who has just passed away, how much she meant to me as a child. My T showed me more the difference between her behaviour and my own M's, how much motherly support she gave me, based on what I told him of a few situations. I cried on and off as I spoke of her and those situations. She was one of the adults who helped me survive my childhood, at least more intact than I would have otherwise. At first I cried today at never having thanked her for that, to then realise that you don't always have to thank people, especially not as a child/teen, but even as an adult you don't have to turn around and thank an adult for being there for you in your childhood. You can (obviously) but you don't have to. An adult doesn't have to hear it in words from you, they can see it, see what they've done for you. e.g. see that you've calmed down and are happy again. Possibly they're not even really aware in words of what they're doing for you when they spontaneously give you a hug or forgive you, they're just acting in a way that's natural to them. My T also reminded me that I can still thank her in my heart if I want to and/or email the one son again asking for his sister's email address (so I can write to her with some of my good memories of her M). I came up with the courage for the latter idea in the night, though at the time I wrote my email of condolence I hadn't dared to (because of FOO influence). But now I will dare and my T agreed with that.

Now I must go and wash my face so it doesn't look as if I have been crying and then get ready for a business appointment.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry about your friend who passed away. I'm glad you are able to feel and express your grief. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry about your friend, Blueberry. I'm thankful that she was in your life.

I l understand your anger over people trying to stomp through your boundaries. Their actions would make me feel as well.

[Blueberry]

Thank you both 
I am well into grieving now. I was able to watch the memorial service on facebook (probably thanks to covid, since the current situation meant there were many mourners other than me who couldn't attend) and have made contact with two of her adult children of around my age. And although I hadn't had contact with either of them for years they were very much part of my childhood, especially the daughter. She was among my best friends. I was often at their place or she was at my place. So I've been able to write to her, saying how so important her M was to me in my childhood because she gave me things my M couldn't. ("couldn't" is putting it nicely but I of course want to be neutral-ish about my FOO and my own trials and tribulations in the time of their family grief.)

The memorial service and the way they all as an extended family acted, spoke - that just showed me how different they are and were to my FOO. How much even the men allowed themselves to show emotion. How much reflection on their M's life and especially on her character. I realised - bing - my FOO can't do that. My FOO can only list what people did in their lives but not capable of saying this particular action showed how caring or loving or determined or... our deceased relative was, or at least when the characteristic is a 'good thing'. A lot of important realisations going on for me, of which I'll probably write more in the next few days.

[Three Roses]

Big hugs to you as you go thru this, dear Blueberry.  💞

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
My condolences to you, and sending you gentle hugs as well   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both very much 3R and Hope 

I cried a lot last night, especially while writing to the daughter. Sometimes I even had to get up and walk around the room a little in my grief. I feel much better for crying. As Hagrid from the Harry Potter books said "Better out than in" though that might have been slugs rather than tears come to think of it. But anyway he's correct on the tears too. My FOO otoh so so wrong.

I'm going up to the farm in a couple of hours for 24 hours so won't be on here during that time.

[Blueberry]

Being up at the farm did me good. By the time I got myself organised to leave home and cycle up there yesterday evening, I was pretty exhausted but decided to go anyway. Overslept this morning, oops. But I accepted that. It's OK. I obviously needed the sleep. Yesterday evening I felt as if my feet and legs were weak. I think less physical, more emotional because of the death of somebody who was such an important person in my childhood. In addition, I know that deaths and mourning bring up a whole bunch of other stuff: in this case lots of realisations and painful memories about my own family. I sometimes more or less physically collapse at realisations anyway.

So a few days ago I contacted one of the sons in the mourning family to ask when the memorial service would be because even if I can't go (which is the case geographically / Covid / financially / + other reasons) it helps me just to be able to think of the person and their family at the time of the memorial service. He kind of apologised and sent me facebook link and order of service right away but it was the day after the service. Really he shouldn't have needed to. 10 days ago he emailed some of that information to one of my brothers, who didn't bother forwarding the notification till today. So FOO playing games again. And it's really stupid because it meant that the son-in-mourning ended up having to deal with one additional thing the day after the service when he most likely had assumed that notifying one brother of mine would suffice for our whole extended family. But it's not my stupidity or my pig-headedness. This one was on my brother. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.

[sanmagic7]

so very sorry about your friend, blueberry.   

i hate it when people keep pushing something on me, telling me reasons why i 'should' accept it, or try it, or whatever.  i congratulate you fully for your boundary setting.  sometimes loud is the only answer those people understand!

love and hugs, my dear.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san on both counts!   
___________________________

I've been thinking on and off about why I'm not saying 'my friend who died'. Because she was much more than a friend and for most of the time I had active, regular contact, she was my friend's mum. 28 years older, my parents' generation. She and her husband emigrated to the same city as my parents from the same country at the same time. They had no relatives in the country they immigrated to, nor did we to begin with. Their children all approximately the same age as us children. Both our families spent a lot of time together.

I'd say looking back she was more like the aunt I didn't have even vaguely close by. And an aunt who was interested in me and liked having me around (unlike one aunt) and allowed to be kind to me without being accused by my M of favouring me (unlike the other aunt, though it was actually my uncle who was accused of that, but she being the in-law kind of drew back. She didn't treat me unkindly at all but I think she left her H, the blood relative to deal with his difficult SIL - my M - and the rest of our nuclear family. Which was probably very sensible.)

As a small child, I was actually frightened of my other aunt. I remember my very little cousins (2 and 4 yo) the first time we visited them after a geographical-caused break of about 3 years showing me the shelf in their parents' bedroom where things of theirs were kept - little pink and white girly clothes - and I was terrified the whole time that my aunt was going to march in and march us out, the way my own M might well have. I wasn't even frightened of a punishment per se. It made me nervous enough just thinking of an angry voice and whole body bristling with anger so that you could feel it in the room. Didn't actually happen. But I couldn't tell my little cousins that I was frightened of being caught doing something 'wrong' (being in their parents' bedroom)! Little as they were at least the oldest seemed to grasp the issue and they were reassuring me that it was OK to be there looking at their clothes. My cousins probably hoped I would tell them how pretty their clothes were but I was far too nervous, looking far too much over my shoulder. This degree of fear - I never would have had it or needed it at either the aunt's who pulled back or especially at the family friends' where the mother was more like an aunt to me. At the very most, she would have kindly said: "Girls, please come out." and we would have gone out. Now that I think back, I was in her and her H's bedroom occasionally, taken in for some specific reason by their daughter, one of my best friends back then. Of course I had none of that feeling of fear! It was not a house where I regularly misbehaved, I might sometimes have done something wrong accidently or unknowingly the way children do growing up, or even something mildly naughty, but it was just not a house in which the children were ordered around and yelled at for no reason, when a mildly-spoken request would have sufficed instead.

Though when one or more of their children were visiting us, my M kept her tongue and her flaring rage in check somewhat.

As with most of my posts on here up until not so long ago, things become clear as I write and I'm sure I'm processing emotionally while doing so.

There is a lot more to write on this whole subject matter, but I may do some of it as a couple of Recovery Letters in the next little while.

[Blueberry]

I'm doing terminology work in the middle of the night as usual. In 7 hours I'm meant to be sitting in the train on the way to an appointment where I have to function bilingually in a pretty high-stress situation, at least for me it's high-stress.

I'm not thinking to myself "Should've declined, should've declined" the way I've written a number of times before e.g. here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7637.msg63547#msg63547

Instead, I do realise that it would have been better to start my prep work a bit earlier but I also realise that I simply couldn't. I discussed it a little bit in T this morning. I've always condemned myself a bit. I had this idea that I'm tripping myself up with this kind of behaviour. People (w/o cptsd) even ask what advantage I'm giving myself by not getting on with my work early enough, as if I had a choice. Today I realised "tripping myself up" is just thoughts. The real reason(s) behind not getting on with work or other things will sit much deeper. Little work on it in T: it's ICs - well, at least 1 IC and 1 ITeen who need compassion and just dialogue with me. The IC is more willing to go to an imaginary play space while I work and also tomorrow during the appointment where I'm interpreting but my Inner Teen(s) - seems now to be the 12yo and 16yo not just the 12yo - are much harder for me to deal with. No, the 16yo is. The 12yo felt unfairly treated as I wrote that. I do know that "much harder to deal with" means I lack the skills in my Adult. It's not the fault of the Inner Teens. As far as I've always heard, the ICs and I.Teens who are "the most difficult" to pacify, get along with, deal with are (1) the most badly damaged and (2) those in greatest need.

It's certainly not their fault. They tend to get in the way of me working with grown-ups' language. Contractual law certainly belongs firmly in the world of adults! It's FOO's fault, especially my parents and my elder brother. Verbal and intellectual abuse. And from my parents emotional neglect, and general neglect of normal parental duty: simply being there, teaching your children how to approach and complete tasks, e.g. homework. Things like that.

[sanmagic7]

i know that whole idea of not being prepared by parents for adult ways of looking and being in the world.  my mom never taught me to cook, clean, bake - nothing domestic.  she always said that when i got married, i'd learn soon enough!  it became a problem way before that, when i moved away from my parents' home and lived w/ friends.  after about 6 mos. they actually took my sis and i aside, told us that if we didn't do such and such, be more responsible w/ chores, etc., they were going to ask us to leave.  we didn't have a clue!

finding yourself in adult situations w/o adult guidance as to how to maneuver correctly in them can be nerve-wracking.  deep breaths, go slow.  i know you can do this, and your inner teens will learn, too.  you're giving them the guidance they need.  love and hugs filled w/ lots of support and faith in your own power as the adult you've come to be, my dear.