More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

Thanks san On the way to my appointment today I thought of those deep breaths and did them. That helped.

I'm sorry how ill-prepared you were for moving out, I mean how ill-prepared your M made you. Sounds like abdication of responsibility. Some parents actually want their children to be successful in the adult world and give them the tools for this, step-by-step through childhood and teens. Not so my parents or yours either apparently.

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I'm surprised I've managed to respond to quite a few posts. My head feels like jelly or total fog. But still I'm managing to express some things.

I'm too exhausted to write and send the invoice. I slept all afternoon and on into the evening, after coming home that is. Brain-exhausting work (not just for me, but possibly more so for me) plus the heat. Wow. On the way home, I was remembering how M would often sigh and groan about the heat. She would've been doing that for sure today. It was hot, it's true. But you just get on with it. We didn't have this kind of heat where I was growing up or where my parents are originally from, but even when I was growing up M was always complaining about the heat and almost revelling in the cold. It was just so tedious. Sighing and groaning about the heat today wouldn't have helped. I've learnt to tolerate it and to do what others here do to alleviate it (dress for it, drink water, wear sun hat etc) I head for the shade too but I just do it, I don't make a huge fuss. That's what M did: made a show of it, dominated the conversation with it and expected that everybody else would feel the same as her e.g. about the last of the sun in October, which is short-lived and not burning hot. Everybody had to agree with her and accept her chosen spot in the shade.

[Blueberry]

Though still kind of tired from yesterday's work, I'm no longer soo tired. My brain no longer feels quite so foggy. I managed to teach today, though I did arrange for student to work on some things like a placement test which made the lesson easier for me. But that's OK. For various reasons he needed to use my computer for the test so why not as part of the lesson? I'd say I managed well allowing the lesson to go ahead, but arranging it to go easy on myself. Lesson doesn't have to be 120% perfect everytime.

As I wrote on 3 Good Things Today, I actually sat and relaxed in the garden, doing absolutely nothing but relaxing and enjoying! It's really rare that I do that because I'm always noticing something that needs to be done so I jump up again and do it and then find something else and keep going. Or neighbours are in the garden and I feel a bit on edge, or I have my Little Furries in the garden. They are in an outside pen but with the number of not quite reliable people using the garden or people with something against me (like other business neighbour and the mother of my other neighbour), I can't be totally sure they wouldn't try to get revenge and let the Little Furries out of their pen. A nightmare it would be to catch them again. So many places they could run off and hide and get lost.

I really hope nobody would ever do that, but who knows? The mother of the one neighbour sits in my space or uses my things and pretends she doesn't know those are my things. So with that kind of dishonesty going on, who knows what else she might do. B1 drops by in my mind. Because that's the kind of thing he did too. Pretend not to know I didn't want something done or pretend he couldn't help e.g. bumping into me but do it on purpose and then say "Oops!" and make a joke about it. I always used to learn in non-trauma-informed T that in a situation like our house and garden my fears are all projections because of my past. But they're not. My current T agrees with me there.

Today I feel as if I have a whole wave of energy to move forward on I know it won't feel like this for ever but it's a really good feeling now so I'm noting it. Haven't felt like this for a long time. It won't be forever, but it might come at more frequent intervals. Even once - I'm not complaining.

Another good thing today: Memories are coming back. Good memories. Feel/sense/bit of sight/smell of me out in nature in both the countries I grew up in. These are the type of memories I lost a long time ago when FOO told me to 'forget those bad things that might have happened in the past and move on'. My tremendous effort in forgetting the bad also made me block out good memories. Some are coming back.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with you, too, blueberry. those past memories come up from behind and grab us - it's not us projecting them onto the present (at least, i don't see it that way, either).  so very glad you're getting some of the good memories back.  you've inspired me to remember my nature memories from the past as well.  they were always good.  thanks.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

From this thread further back (July 26th) on my holiday plans:

There's an IC who likes to read, another who likes to do word puzzles - things I do often. There's another who likes to run barefoot through grass - don't do that often at all - and another who likes to wade in little rivers or even swim. Let's see, there's another part who likes to move to music or maybe two parts because there's an Inner Teen who does all kinds of moving in private and then there's an IC who likes to walk around or sway to nursery rhymes - so different kind of moves and taste in music altogether. There's also an IC who's embarrassed to like the traditional music of the country my parents come from. Needless to say FOO ridiculed me on that, but I can play some on the keyboard and I also have CDs but I have to be in the mood for it.

Then there would be holiday things for my adult. I like to swing and there are big adult hammock-like swings a half-day cycle away. I haven't used my better but more unusal bike for a while now. I need to get a new mirror for it but then using it or even my less good bike for going for little cycles other than to the farm - could be fun. No choir but I could sing again at home, just for me. Hymns too, they do me good.
I was going to write a bit about how much I've done, what other things I've done instead or could do instead but I've just been hit by a wave of exhaustion, so I'll deal later.

[Blueberry]

So I checked out some nice photos of one of my home countries actually and feel less exhausted.

I have an inkling where the exhaustion came from: Sometimes even lists of Could Dos, even fun Could Dos, on top of all the  day-to-day jobs I have planned make me feel

I have done some of the fun things I mentioned above or elsewhere like wading in a river or even in the little man-made stream in my own street,  been out bare-foot in the garden, did the insect count several times. Today I took my breakfast down into the garden to eat in the late morning sun. Crossword puzzles and sudoku too. A few cycles, mostly on the way somewhere specific, but I can enjoy the activity and nature and seeing other people's gardens even while cycling somewhere specific. One evening I did go for a cycle with no specific destination though with a goal - to calm down after run-in with nighbour's mother. The cycle helped too, along with seeing nature and other people's gardens. Been listening and moving to nursery rhymes - that was needed by an IC after the aunt-I-didn't-have died.

Some realisations though: planning non-stop holiday fun and then going through with it might just not be the best thing for me, or even realistic. The unforeseen - like a death - may happen and did this time, bringing up memories,  mourning and opportunity for healing. Other opportunities for healing and/or EFs come when they will, even in the midst of holiday. That's often why I'm really best at home where I have all my supports and my safe or safer places. It's good that I have space atm for healing. And really I believe it's more important than an additional holiday activity. Anyway when an EF or other such situation drops by, I need to deal with it or sit with it or sleep through it, I can't simply do a holiday activity.

[Blueberry]

Feeling exhausted today. After getting up very late and doing a few household chores as well as having breakfast in the garden, I felt like lying down. I didn't actually, I came into my office and got a couple of very small, easy tasks done.

As soon as the exhaustion hit, my ICr had a go at me: It's because you're too fat and have an unhealthy diet. I even still vaguely believe that. But NO! That's just one of FOO's diagnoses. The reason is far more likely to be emotional exhaustion due to healing on some subconscious level! I've been having weird dreams lately (a sign of things going on).

Some: people taking over and/or rearranging my garden bit till it's hardly recognisable as mine. A couple of nights ago I dreamt of seeing a beaver in a lake near the shore. I was watching it with a friend, then it came out of the water and came right up close to us, but especially to me. I was terrified but couldn't move, just clung onto my friend knowing she couldn't do anything either since beavers were new to her. The beaver had enormous teeth and was thumping around me with its tail. I knew I shouldn't be frightened because the beaver would smell my fear and attack. But shouldn't doesn't help with emotions, which I was aware of during the dream too. The dream ended or switched to something totally unrelated so the beaver didn't attack me in the end. I feel the fear in my gut while thinking about it. Don't know what the beaver represents, though I could try feeling into it later on today, maybe with my Imaginary Screen up.

ETA: I'm probably feeling exhausted due to not having written my interpreting bill yet or the other bill I really need to do before that. Idk if it's exhaustion at the thought or... Inner head is nodding - it's exhaustion at the thought, not exhaustion to prevent me doing it. So not something that 'trips me up' on purpose so I can't get something good that I deserve.

[Blueberry]

I was going to go over and help somebody in his garden for a couple of hours - some easy job and then get some fruit for helping him but I'm covered in itches, my throat feels sore and I generally feel very under par. I moved my one and only student to Skype for 30 mins instead of 60, and a few minutes ago I managed to phone the fruit tree gardener to cancel that.

I often find it difficult to turn down when I've offered help, so bad that I sometimes don't even phone the farm. I just don't turn up after all. I didn't want to do that to the fruit tree guy though so I did manage to phone. In the course of that I figured out what makes contacting to turn down so difficult: it's shame. Me ashamed of not being able, ashamed to say "I'm ill again", ashamed that everything is just too much and that everything can become too much very easily and quickly. Realisations are helpful, they're a further step to healing.

[Blueberry]

Felt a bit sick of things in past couple of days, especially sick of how quickly I get exhausted. Just one little thought and everything seems to come tumbling down

My thought was: because of Covid I really should have (there's that should again) hand sanitiser/disinfectant mounted on the wall in both my office and the shared office toilet, which doesn't have hand-washing facilities. This would also solve the problem of whoever it is who leaves at best water on the toilet seat since any of my students could use the disinfectant + toilet paper to clean up first. Pretty simple plan of action? Not for me. I am undoubtedly not helped by having 2 overdue bills to write and send - collect money due to me.

I came on the computer finally (late afternoon) to do a few business things, very small things, but then my energy zoomed away. However I did do a few non-business things: I finally had a bath and hairwash; I collected the cargo bike and went and bought pet supplies. Yesterday I put my FurBabies in the garden and did a bunch of clear-up in the garden, especially removing some of the plethora of very small stones (like fine gravel) and general garbage (bits of broken flower pot, charcoal, shards of glass...) which are constantly appearing in my flower beds. They actually mostly come up from deeper layers, either when I've been digging or are just brought up by ants churning away. It's not that people are throwing them onto my beds or anything. But I also did decide to cut back some plants and/or uproot some to stop spread. That's something that is often difficult for me to do when I'm feeling stuck. So it means I've got a little bit unstuck in private life, if not in my business life.

1 Good Thing: I recognised I was about to collapse this week - that's what my beginnings of a cold that weren't a cold after all told me: You need a break from everything. I acted on that fast and so I didn't get ill. 

[sanmagic7]

honey, you're doing so much, no wonder you feel exhausted.  kudos to you for catching it before you got sick, and poo on that ICr who shames you for being who you are.  i like you just fine the way you are.  love and hugs, blueberry

[Blueberry]

You really think I'm doing a lot san? Wow. Ok. Will try and believe that.

I encouraged a friend to go on holiday this coming week for about 4 days. She then suggested I probably needed some real holiday away from home before school goes back too. She's probably partially correct except that I don't feel as if I had the wherewithal to organise it and go. Especially not in these Covid times because that would entail asking guest houses and thermal spas what their exact procedures are and how much they're sticking to the rules.

What often helps me most when I'm away is: having cleared, clean spaces around me, having somebody else making meals, having a little break from looking after my FurBabies, having nature round about and places within walking distance so that I don't have to think about whether I have enough energy to get on my bike or find the correct bus. What I'd most like to do is float around in some water, which I could do at the local spa if I simply booked a space.

In some of the recent conferences I've watched, they mentioned how curiosity is an important sign of healing. Idk if this is what they mean exactly, but in good phases I want to find out about new things, experience different things possibly using all senses, go new places (especially out in nature) or go to old places I like. In shakier phases like now I ask myself 'What the point is".

Well yesterday I went ahead and bought myself a little posy of flowers I like that refuse to grow in my garden. I chose and bought them at a Pick-Your-Own-Flowers place near the pet store so that in itself was a little trip into a colourful field and now I have them at home. What's the point? They look nice. I keep glancing at them and they cheer me up - not just the sight of them but also knowing that I actually went ahead and chose them and arranged them in a vase at home. There are often things where I have an impulse, I'd say a healthy one, and then I don't carry through with it. But this time I did!

[Not Alone]

I'm glad you bought yourself some flowers! I see you continuing to grow in your awareness of yourself and what you need for self care. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you bought those flowers for yourself too.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm in a depressive funk. With all the healing I've done, therapy I've had, I think the only thing I can do is decide that I want to be well or that I want to really live, live out my potential and then take steps towards that.

For some reason, I'm having trouble deciding on that. Having a lot of trouble with self-care and even with care of FurBabies.

It's good that I'm Modding temporarily because it gives me one thing I sort of have to do and which it seems I'm capable of actually going through with.

[sanmagic7]

you know, blueberry, battling ICr, going against it, doing something, like phoning cuz it's the right thing to do, having one realization after another, looking after yourself by canceling something, noticing that your body is speaking to you, working in the garden, bringing your furbabies outside for some fresh air - these may seem like little things, but quite honestly, i see all these things you listed, one more and one more and one more . . .as doiong a lot.  so, yes, i hope you can believe it.  i think that if you saw it in me, you would feel the same way as i do about what/how much you've been doing.  don't sell yourself short.

going into a funk after therapy and healing - sometimes i think we're just not used to the energy taken to do those things, and don't quite know how to manage ourselves afterwards.  that stuff is exhausting!  it's ok to let your brain and mind rest for a bit, just let yourself be.  this is hard work we're doing.  if it were physical work of that caliber, our muscles would be too sore to do the same level of energy they put out for it, and they'd need to rest, too.

sending love and a hug filled with peace of mind.