More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

Thanks san

I'm pleasantly surprised to be back on my feet and already have done a whole bunch of things this morning. I even woke up and got up before my alarm!

[owl25]

this hypervigilance may be seen as "great attention to detail ", "overly picky", "indecisive", even "argumentative"

Do I ever relate to this. I haven't seen it summarized like this before. It does get exhausting.

Nice you had a productive morning already 

[Blueberry]

this hypervigilance may be seen as "great attention to detail ", "overly picky", "indecisive", even "argumentative"

Do I ever relate to this. I haven't seen it summarized like this before.

Well, I'm sorry you can relate but glad I'm not alone in it. I'd only just felt into it all before I wrote, so it's maybe no surprise you'd never seen it listed that way before. That might be the 'joy' of cptsd, you can feel into something totally new that nobody else has felt into before, your very own particular brand of cptsd. Ha ha ha. It's not a joy of course.

_______________________

Yes, I had a productive morning, but my afternoon was not outwardly productive. I slept for about 3 hours and then ate cheese. Fortunately my afternoon student cancelled.

I have other choir practice this evening. I feel less allergic to it, that is to say I feel less exhausted when I think of it than when I was thinking of yesterday's practice, but I'm still feeling the urge to curl up into a little ball. So I'm not going to go. Maybe in the next few weeks I can feel into what is so exhausting. And then see whether or not I can go back or want to go back. I think though that I'll extend my break from it till the end of the year and see what happens. I just feel there's so much going on (externally but mostly internally I think).

[Blueberry]

I slept a good few hours in the evening too then bought myself 2 different packets of chocolatey what-nots, ate one up and almost all the second one. While doing that, I did some colouring in. I don't think I've ever done them together before, but considering I was bound to eat that chocolatey stuff, it's good that I also did some colouring in. I haven't done that for months though I have had the impulse on occasion. So finally today even though still exhausted despite second long nap.

My feeling is that after having eaten up all those sweet things, I had energy and was able to get on with a whole load of jobs: washed a huge stack of dishes and then got on with making soup from scratch which meant frying up the meat for the stock and then washing and chopping up all the veg and potatoes, then throwing them altogether to cook up my soup. Bring it to the boil again tomorrow and it will  be ready for eating, giving me a nutritious meal for several days And I made use of all the ingredients I had instead of letting them go to waste by not cooking them

However I now question whether the sweet things gave me energy. It certainly felt that way and it's not the first time, but I'm wondering what part (age or aspect) of me was comforted enough by them to give me that release of energy and/or the ability to get back into an Adult part of me who is happy to and capable of making soup from scratch. I know that a T's next question might be: "What else can provide comfort and release of energy?" Idk. In fact I remember telling a T in inpatient group therapy that if I knew the answers to all the questions he was asking, I wouldn't even be there! He wasn't too happy, but I get easily triggered by questions of those sort. My T may very well not ask that tomorrow. He might agree with me that it's a step all on its own for me being able to feel enough to question whether the sweet things gave me energy or whether they gave me something else that enabled the energy to be released. What might this other thing be?

However I want to write a list of topics for the next few T sessions. I have only 5 left. Although my T did mention last time that I might be able to get an extension again... I think this means that he can vouch for the process I'm in, that I'm finally making really great strides and having got me this far e.g. with eating disorder and CSA - topics that I have been unwilling and unable to broach for 5 years - it would be a real shame for me to have to stop again, find a new T, go through all the trust issues until able to broach eating disorder and CSA. I would like to be able to heal as much as possible now. Anyway, I'll see what my T says tomorrow. My energy has disappeared again... Oh well, I really need to make my FurBabies' accommodation nice and dry and clean again before I go to bed, I even want to for their sake. I will have the energy for that.

I feel good about the big pot of soup I made. It's the second one in max. 3 weeks, it will taste good and all the ingredients in it except the peppercorns are own provenance. Not from my garden, but not bought either. The meat and most of the veg is from the farm, the broccoli from a market stall throwaway box where I get stuff for the FurBabies but sometimes for me too, the green beans are from the private garden in town where I can get fruit till December.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug, and hope that your session with your T goes ok today 
I relate to what you said about sweet things providing energy and comfort, and I also wonder about the function of eating things like that for myself. 

Your big pot of soup sounds like it's nutritious and delicious. 


Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,

My soup is nutritious but not totally delicious - alright, but something missing from the taste. But nonetheless it's good I made it from scratch. It might be better today too, after I've boiled it up again.

Making something like that gives me a sense of purpose. And then having procured all the ingredients except the peppercorns without buying them makes me feel a sense of agency. Even though I didn't grow the potatoes and veg myself, the fact that I get all of them has to do with the connections I have made with people in my town /area and are even connected to people liking me!

My T session was really good, really useful in explaining things to me that I'd wondered about and which my T was able to confirm and further explain for me. e.g. about exhaustion, about my allergy to sport, why taking a break from choir till January makes perfect sense for the stage of healing I'm at. We didn't actually really work on anything, but explanations from time to time can be very helpful for me. My T is also going to apply for a further extension for me. He knows what to write and in 99% of cases his applications go through. Even apparently in long-drawn out cases like mine.

I didn't sleep much of the night for some reason, but then allowed myself to sleep right on into the afternoon. I still feel sleepy though I have been outside briefly, running a few errands. I "should" do a few business things but possibly it would be better alround for me to go and do some garden work that needs doing and do the business stuff tomorrow. The garden work being outside is certainly more appealing! And is likely to combat sleepiness better than me sitting at the computer.

[Blueberry]

I have the feeling I'm doing zero atm, just stalling. Well on Mon earlyish I cleaned the office toilet and that was so exhausting for whatever reasons that I did nothing else that day and today hasn't been much better. I did finally send a payment reminder notice - which tends to be really difficult for me - and taught one student. And  a few things like that.  on the payment reminder notice.

On Saturday late evening I discovered I was simply lonely but it was too late to contact anybody by phone. Sunday I was at a demonstration, in fact part of the group of organisers. It went well, lots of people came, we were all on bikes which makes me feel good anyway. Afterwards our little group of organisers went off to an outdoors café where I haven't been since the virus got going. It felt good to be in the group again, even just sitting about listening instead of alone at home doing crossword puzzles.

Today I feel like throwing in the towel work-wise but I do now know that when I'm in that kind of mood that it's an EF and not worth acting on at all. Just hide in bed if need be and wait for it to pass.

[Blueberry]

I was stalling because I was having trouble moving on, still am in fact. I did however make a couple of work-related decisions today, particularly finally accepting an offer on the next phase of my advertising, though it involves spending more money than I had originally envisioned. Not that the guy is particularly expensive, it's just that I hadn't realised what it might cost. Some of this is investments I 'ought' to have made years and years ago, but I simply couldn't.

No new students at  the start of the school year makes me nervous, though I do have students from last year still coming. But no new ones always makes me nervous, though it's actually very good there are no new ones because my head is all disorganised and in this state I'm not good at preparing lessons or carrying through with them, staying compos mentis and on track, or even writing up new contracts or looking presentable for new students and/or their parents. So that's when I need to remind myself: this state of affairs is good atm.

[sanmagic7]

sounds similar to my d and hoping for editing clients.  self-employed is such a stressful way to live - always waiting and wondering if you'll get enough clients to make the rent.  nerve-wracking, indeed!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thanks san Self-employed is also the only possible way for me. I have too many issues going on when employed by others. I also know self-employed people who don't have any of my problems who get nervous and fidgety when there isn't much coming in. However, calmer self-employed people say to make the most of these times to regroup and recoup.

[Blueberry]

This evening I sat at the computer trying to write homework for a student for about 3 hours. I did manage bit by bit, but really it shouldn't have taken 3 hours. Then I attempted to write a contract which has to be somewhat different from other contracts; I gave up on that. Maybe tomorrow. I answered a query from somebody on my professional association website looking for somebody doing my languages for a client of hers. I'm often so totally unsure what to write in the hope that she might choose me. Oh well.

I answered another query a few days ago but I didn't get the job.

One of the people I was teaching the local language to is going to evening classes as of next week because they are finally running again. They tested him and found that he has not only completed the level I was supposedly teaching him but he can bypass the level above that too. That is not all my work, but it will be in part due to me. I don't feel anything though.

There are a lot of things I should or could be writing other than homework or contracts. Oh, there's that 'should' again. Mostly emails and maybe even things I could be writing on here which would probably help me to become unstuck. But sometimes - well, often atm - I wonder what is the point?

I kind of miss working at the farm but I don't miss cycling up there or worse having to start work at 6am.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry - this reflection about paperwork and feelings related to student success really resonated with me.  I could picture myself in my similar roles in the place you were.  I am often struck by the subtle ways CPTSD and my old ways of coping sneak into things I am doing.  What I heard in your last line is missing things that have clear beginnings and ends so that you know when you are "done" and can see the results of your effort. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary. That's helpful in letting me work out what's going on a bit better.

[Blueberry]

I was reading back in my Paper Journals after doing everything to avoid that e.g. crossword puzzles, sleeping, not getting up etc etc and I see how many methods I've been taught to combat whatever it is or work with whatever it is and I am simply not using these methods. otoh my T reminded me just last session to be kind to myself and not criticise myself for slacking, in fact not even call it that.

I have a terrible headache. I don't want to cancel teaching again but after tossing my cookies to put it politely I realised that I have to. My traumatised student is sick today too, so that fits at least.

I'm cold as well. Something is wrong with my gas water-heater. I'm swithering between getting somebody in myself to check it out or asking ll. It is ll's job but I know ll is going to fight it and I don't feel up to the fight.  T has said before that in his opinion I shouldn't back down, I should take this kind of stuff to ll. Oh, there's that should again.

I just wish somebody who is on my side would come in and take over. It's a vain wish though. I'm the only one who can get things moving again. In the past when I felt like this, I'd go on one of those long-weekend retreat-therapy things. Well, Corona rules that out but so did my last experience at one of those weekends.

It could be my ICs calling out for help but Adult me doesn't feel up to dealing.

I also realised that reading on the forum is too much for me again. I read about how badly some others are doing and/or what they're all facing and I end up comparing myself negatively, even though I know it's not helpful to me or them.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope your headache gets better soon.  I'm glad that your T reminded you to be kind to yourself, and I also hope  you will be too.  I am trying to be kind to myself today, as well.  Not sure how well I'm managing it yet, but it's my plan.
I hope you are able to get warm, and that your gas water-heater can be sorted out. 
Sending you a hug    Wish a virtual hug could literally warm someone up...
Hope