More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

I am just so sick of the amount of work it is taking me to get my testimonials together for ll to deal with this disgusting toilet issue! The fact that it takes me a while to explain to students and/or their parents what exactly the problem is - well, that's cptsd-related. e.g. my brain blanks and loses words. Or I have just translated one testimonial from English to the local language. That's strenuous too, just getting the exact nuance to convince my ll.
Now I see with that last sentence I'm back in old behaviour patterns - struggling for 110% accuracy to make sure I can't be misunderstood. Unfortunately that doesn't prevent narc type people from ignoring you completely or shooting your arguments down, or pretending they can't understand you or telling you one thing (e.g. ll will deal with tailor) then doesn't do so. Hires cleaner instead and charges me for it. That hasn't happened yet, but it's the kind of scenario that I wouldn't put past my ll.

So now I think of M. The person who complains is to blame, at least if it's me who's complaining. OK, so I've got a further piece of the puzzle. I know it is not 100% projection however because my ll has not been fair or above board in his dealings with me so far. My T would tell me to make sure I ground myself well, get back into my Adult, send M to the North Pole or somewhere, with the rest of FOO (all narcs and/or enablers themselves) in tow and put them behind dark, bullet-proof glass, if necessary tie them there in some magic way so they can't get free and come and interfere with my life... 

I feel a bit stronger now.

[Not Alone]

I'm for you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you, notalone   It's really good to feel support.

I'm not thinking about M and the past any more, I'm back in the present. A friend gave me a few suggestions for improving my translation of the testimonial. Now it sounds really good and convincing. It helps me believe that, yes, the behaviour of the tailor is disgusting and I deserve to be heard and taken seriously by ll. 

I still haven't got all my papers together for ll but I'm definitely further along. I'm feeling more empowered and a lot less  even though I'm now tired. Yesterday evening I thought maybe being tired was making me feel sick of the whole situation. But no, I think it wasn't that alone. Another useful realisation. 

[Blueberry]

The heating maintenance guy phoned today and came by. So now everything has been cleaned properly and some part replaced. So ll didn't get back to me, but the maintenance worker did. I hope he verified with ll. We will see. That feels like a big weight off my shoulders. I need to contact ll about a mere 2 important issues now, instead of 3.

I had T this morning. It was a good session in which I talked about my progress of the past week and how that's been affecting my energy and mood levels, my ability to move forward and my ability to stay present in my body. It was actually before I got onto talking about my big progress re: CSA that my lower back felt compressed and then the bad feeling moved upwards. Then it felt as if my back was beginning to freeze up. It didn't get cold, but it was feeling immobilised. That's the first time I've felt it clearly like that and defined it, as in I just suddenly knew: this is freeze / paralysis. I've actually been feeling compressed down there for a good few days, it got a bit worse during T - as I was talking about specific things. Then I stood up and moved to the impulses in my body near the end of T and since then my lower back no longer feels compressed and all of my back feels more flexible and more relaxed. But I'm also sitting upright. That helps me feel empowered.

I told my T about one of the Trauma Conference talks where a T is mentioned who accepts badly traumatised clients for decades if need be. I've been with my present T for 5 years now and he's applying for a further extension. But I've been on and off in T including lots of inpatient and/or weekend retreats for a total of 20 years, so 2 decades. Most of the off time was spent desperately looking for further help. So the way the T in the presentation was talking  - that allowed me to finally believe that I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades. Today in T was the first time I've managed to say it out loud with conviction, even though it was a bit difficult - well I didn't say it in English so it was a bit easier than English would have been but now I'll try and write it in English: "Growing up in FOO, I was badly abused emotionally. Badly abused." I could work with that statement a bit further. It resonated more with me in my non-native language that I use in therapy a lot of the time and certainly when I'm explaining something to T. otoh it might be a protection, this not yet feeling it so strongly in English.

Having written that I too am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades, I notice I'm feeling uncertain and embarrassed. But I'm leaving it there. I'm not deleting it. This forum is not a competition on who was more badly abused or who is more badly traumatised. The point for me is realising on a deeper level that I was badly abused (which doesn't negate the possibility of other traumatised folk being badly abused and needing a few decades of T) in spite of what FOO and some Ts have been saying/intimating about me for years. otoh there have been Ts including my present one who have been telling me versions of "Yes, it really was that bad". Now that information has got through to me on more than just a cognitive level. 

There's been more big progress but this post is long enough now. 

[Not Alone]

"Yes, it really was that bad". Now that information has got through to me on more than just a cognitive level. 

Your heart and mind realization/acceptance of this seems very significant.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with notalone, blueberry.  i'm beginning to get to that conscious part of this abuse stuff myself, actually feeling how bad it was rather than just saying the words.  when it lands on the target, it really makes a difference.  i'm with you all the way on this, my dear.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Oh that's the "conscious part of the abuse stuff"? Thanks for giving me the words for it   

Thanks notalone for your validation and for underlying the significance you see.

__________________________

"I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades" was the more significant realisation this time around. I know I have written and said before that "it really was that bad" probably not with the full conviction, but still. And other hurt and/or traumatised people have confirmed that "it really was that bad" before too for me, including in these long-weekend healing retreats I used to do (where you really feel on an emotional level what's going on in yourself and in others), quite a number of therapists have confirmed it as well. Accepting and beginning to believe that "I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients who need a few decades" is very new. It could take up to about 10 years I did hear from a T when I was maybe in my 5th or 6th year of active healing. With this remark, he was actually reassuring me, meaning that I was well on my way to recovery. But it has all taken longer.

In the dim recesses of my brain, I have an idea somebody once said "1 year of recovery per Inner Child" but don't quote me on it. If that really was said, it was encouraging. At last count I had about 15, so makes sense that my recovery process has been long and arduous.

"I, too, am one of those badly traumatised clients" came only with watching that trauma presentation a few days ago, hence very new. I did know before that I was /am traumatised but not that I'm one of the badly traumatised ones.  It's very significant because my FOO played it down so much. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're just feeling sorry for yourself. Oh, shut up and think about children / teens with real problems. And a lot more examples which I have just conveniently blacked out. Obviously I need to not think of them rn and especially not re-injure myself by writing them down. FOO were and continue to be deniers and gaslighters. Enough said.

As I wrote in my post above, the fact that I now realised I was badly traumatised as a child, teen, and then continually re-traumatised by staying in contact with FOO is no way meant as a comparison to anybody here on the forum. Quite possibly all mbrs here are/were badly traumatised. But I'm speaking for me, what I've finally realised about myself.

[Blueberry]

Some more progress just this evening. I went out and bought throw-away cleaning/disinfecting cloths to make cleaning the shared toilet less of a hurdle for me and probably less triggering.

Normally I never would have done this. I'm fairly environmentally conscious and of course I wash and re-wash my cleaning cloths, at least those I use for floors and dusting and so on. Toilet ones are always more of a problem for me for reasons I can't go into, it's too triggering and I don't actually even have words for the triggering, I don't really understand what's going on.

Having bought these disinfectant wipes (basically that's what they are), I feel empowered. I remember now a couple of months ago my T was encouraging me to try new and different things out with cleaning, different approaches, finding my own way since M never really taught me, except as I'm realising now a bunch of taboos, e.g. spending money on cleaning products. I don't think M even bought proper multi-use cleaning cloths. She just boiled up rags and used them e.g for washing dishes; different rags she used for floors, from old clothes that had been washed before torn apart, and then idly swilled around in the cleaning bucket and hung on the line outside. But not rinsed again with clean water, and certainly not warm water.   

I don't remember cleaning cloths for floors or toilets ever being washed in the machine on a very hot wash in my childhood. I've learned that since from friends. I note while writing that how much anxiety I can feel in my throat. So I know I'm overcoming a big hurdle, some unspoken FOO taboo. There was a taboo about "wasting water" too, so much in fact that a friend (who's also pretty environmentally conscious and conscientious) once queried "You haven't rinsed out your dishcloth properly??". No. Because using that amount of water to run it under the tap when I'd just been wiping the counter top was unthinkable and the sort of thing I was yelled at about as a child and teen, young adult probably too. M would actually boil up the dishcloth ever so often in an old pot she had specifically for that. That's hygienic too, obviously. But I don't have enough rags of the type of cloth that are good for washing dishes. Yawn, yawn, yawn. Which means there's processing going on.

I'm not going any further into the processing. Just to round up though, I also bought a number of other products: one which is apparently called scented toilet bowl deodoriser in English (Huuuuge yawn) ICr: "don't waste money on something like that, just clean properly! Ew. Who want's that stinky artificial smell anyway? You just have to clean then there's no smell". That might be so. But not if you've got a business neighbour like mine. I'm talking now seriously about making my clients as comfortable as possible. Mine might not even be stinky - we'll see - because here I went along with my conscience and bought an environmentally-friendly one, even though it's a bit more expensive.

This is new for me too - spending money on what ICr calls 'frivolous' things and what up until now I didn't spend money on thinking my profit is too small (tax accountant turns up in my head, who once almost berated me for spending money on advertising - that must have been my professional flyers a number of years ago - before then I always did my own very unprofessional ones. So that tax accountant can just pipe down.)

One of the very recent changes in me, just since I came back up from my last EF, is feeling much more relaxed about money and especially spending above my income. I always spend above my personal income of very small disability pension and profit from my little business. I can't help that. The combination of the two is way below the poverty line. The money is there for me, it's just not income. So, the change is, I'm beginning to allow myself to spend e.g. FOO money on things they wouldn't approve of, but apparently this giving myself permission is flowing into other areas, eg. business. I'm allowing myself to spend money and also shifting my views on what is necessary or at least very advisable. 10 euros on cloths impregnated with disinfectant, a better toilet brush that gets in the corners better, even though the current one which I bought is not so old it's needs to be thrown out. But it's not good enough. And then an additional little dust-pan and brush and some more single-use cleaning cloths, actually for my own apartment, where cleaning the toilet and the shower are also triggering and I don't do them enough. I forgot to separate my purchases into business and private to get separate receipts. So there's an extra 2-3 euros on my business bill. I don't care. Chicken-feed. New attitude as well. Though now it occurs to me I've always used my private apartment supplies to clean my office and anywhere connected to it, so those 2-3 euros aren't even cheating the system in any way.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You are doing a lot of processing.    for all the progress you are making.  The scented toilet bowl deodoriser sounds like a very nice purchase, and I hope you like the scent of it.

As I write that, I hope I've not said anything triggering.   Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope Don't worry, you haven't said anything triggering! The scent is quite faint actually. I'm glad it's not overpowering. I did quite a bit of cleaning today including the shared business toilet. I'm tired now though.

I did some garden work this morning too. And in the afternoon I went to the local museum where there was an exhibition of mostly expressionist paintings done by 4 local artists in the 1920's and 1930's. There was a guided tour and it was very interesting. I'm glad I bothered myself to go.

[Blueberry]

I continued cleaning this morning: vacuuming outside my office and my half of the front hall including cobwebs in strange places. Really, the tailor ought to be doing the whole front hall, but I've taken to doing it so that the dust bunnies and dirty footprints etc are not there where my clients ring my bell and stand around waiting.

Before in times when the tailor and I got on better - that was before I started setting boundaries / saying 'No' - I used to vacuum the whole of the front hall. Partially it feels churlish to me to not do so, partially my clients see all of it too. Then I mopped all of the above plus the front steps. Then mopped shared toilet floor and removed additional cobwebs from ceiling etc. Few other little things like using disinfectant on light switches, door handles etc. (covid requirement for businesses), emptying garbage, getting rid of cleaning water, rinsing mop head and bucket - which is emotionally difficult for whatever reason. Then I threw all my reusable cleaning cloths in the washing machine, had a late breakfast and then a 2 hour nap.

Up till the washing machine, that took me almost 2 hours. I think I'm slow, though I am thorough, but that's just the way I am. And no wonder, if the whole process is that triggering to me. Wearing my cloth face mask made it somewhat easier for me, emotionally. I do realise the cloth face mask won't help in any way physically when cleaning.

Not so long ago (1 week? 2 weeks?), the mere thought of "I should have 'boxes' of disinfectant, where clients can pump a little into their hand, on the wall in shared toilet and in the entrance to my office" sent me sprawling. Now I'm thinking of that again and I haven't gone sprawling 

I am tired though now. Emotionally. And have 2 more biggies to do today: bath and hair wash at friend's place; phone the mother of a young client and ask for a letter of complaint re: toilet situation for my landlord. I've been putting off the latter for over a week because I find it so difficult. The former is always difficult and I haven't done it for aaaages as usual. I came on here to post to try and give myself a little energy, sometimes that works. Maybe I'll go and post on 3 Good Things Today and / or The Potting Shed

[sanmagic7]

all i can say is well done, blueberry!  you've come such a long way, and it seems like you continue to move forward even more efficiently lately.  i'm so happy for you!  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

     For going against messages of FOO and buying items that you decided are needed &/or helpful.

[Blueberry]

Thank you both!

I seem to need some down-time again. There are some things I really wanted to get done yesterday and here I am 4 o'clock in the afternoon following day, still haven't done them.

I know I did my resiliency exercises on Tues while in doc's waiting room but I don't think I've done them since so that would be a good step to take.

Now I think about it I have made further progress and/or steps taken are bearing fruit. e.g. maybe a week ago I decided what I need is help with cleaning. Somebody to come regularly and get the basics done. I asked a friend who I know has done cleaning in the past as an additional little job. She came today to check things out and is willing. She will start next Friday. Of course I will pay her. So here too spending money on something of which FOO would not approve.

I did look into wall-mounted hand disinfectant contraptions yesterday but didn't get any further really. I do like to buy locally if possible, but it didn't look very possible. Well, when i come back up again out of whereever I am, I can get back to this. I feel like it's urgent because there are more restrictions coming back into place here, but I do have hand disinfection cloths my students can use or me too of course.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I noticed that in the Potting Shed you'd mentioned that you still have a flowering rose, and there are buds, and you spoke of the lovely scent of that rose, and how you breathed it in.  I wanted to say that I also imagined that it would smell really nice, and I was happy that you had such a nice rose. 

I hope you're able to get the down-time you mentioned. 


Hope