More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

Started by Blueberry, April 17, 2020, 03:34:24 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Blueberry

Thank you Hope!  :) :) :hug:

I don't know how long my rose will last. It's a bit too large to put under any of my plant coverings overnight. Well, maybe I'll figure something out before the hard frosts come.

I have certainly had some down-time and I was back doing Sudoku and crossword puzzles as well. So I've just managed one of the things I thought I desperately needed to do yesterday and the day before.

Blueberry

After days of very little, I'm slowly beginning to take a few steps again. bit by bit. A step. Go and lie down and read and/or sleep again.

During the days of very little, I was hardly drinking or eating either. Or taking my meds of course. At least I got eating and drinking again today. It's too late in the day to take my meds, maybe tomorrow.

Our local area has been declared high-risk again, though many people are not treating it as such. The regulations aren't as strict as they were in March/April/May. I honestly feel completely confused by the whole thing now. I don't understand the statistics really. If I had been drinking and eating more regularly in the last while I'd probably be a bit quicker on the uptake. I suppose it's depression that's making me feel as if I don't really care whether my students come to my office or learn via Skype, except for the one who told me she ignores corona advice now. She'll be back on Skype because that attitude is certainly high-risk.

It's really nice fall weather, but I'm hiding inside. 

Not Alone

Bit by bit, step by step. Do take care of yourself, Blueberry.

Blueberry

Thank you notalone. I felt kind of pressurised by a friend on the weekend. That probably got to me partly because I had stopped doing my resiliency exercises. At least I realise now part of what's going on.

Blueberry

I haven't got that letter of complaint off to my ll yet. Along with photos a client made for me of icky toilet and 2 client letters to back it up.

I'm expecting ll to back the other business. I know I've got my wires crossed. It's as if the other business is B1 and ll is F, pretending to support me sometimes but actually behind B1 and betraying my trust. Except that ll has done this before so it's not quite a mix-up either.

On top of that, I discovered today that a client who has consistently not paid since Aug. has still not paid. It was a really, really difficult job I did in August, but unfortunately the few hundred euros I'm due are not worth going to court over though they are a lot of money for my business! I feel helpless.

Blueberry

Some Good Things Today

1. I did a tiny little bit of cleaning and putting things away
2. I did 2 loads of laundry and hung them up to dry
3. I smelled my rose
4. I cleaned out my pets' living quarters.
5. I had the wherewithal to pick some grass for my pets

Blueberry

There's an Inner Child crying in me. I'm blank. I can't remember what to do. Hold IC in arms maybe. (I don't do IFS).

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you were able to hold your IC in your arms, and that she felt your presence and your comfort for her.  I have found when I put my arms around myself, that my IC feels that, and relaxes.  I wanted to say this, when I read what you wrote yesterday, but I felt like I would be intruding, but today - I wanted to say it, and I hope it's ok.  Sending you and your IC a comforting hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thank you very much Hope for what you wrote and also for the hug for me and my IC. My IC can really feel it now and it is calming for her in a way she doesn't feel from me atm. I guess she notices I'm rather abrasive today.

Yes, it was quite OK to say what you did. Maybe I put you off yesterday by saying I don't do IFS? I have my good reasons, but I remember now that I can put people off who want to comfort or help me by saying in advance what I don't want.

My T reminded me today that I can give my IC to another safe, motherly figure (whether a RL person like the mother of my friend who died recently or an imaginary figure or for that matter somebody on OOTS who offers, like you Hope!)  if I feel as if holding my IC might be too much. I was feeling so overwhelmed that I had forgotten that. I had also forgotten putting my FOO on the screen and then sending them to some northern forests.

I can also maybe try putting my arms around myself later and see how that works.

I feel somewhat better today - well, T helped I suppose. It was nice weather in the afternoon and I didn't have any set work or appointments so I went into the garden and did some work. Part of the time I had my pets out with me since it was unseasonally warm.

I phoned the company that isn't paying though they didn't pick up. However they obviously saw and recognised my number so I got an email  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: if the payment doesn't come through within a few days then get back to them. I'm relieved actually that I didn't have to speak to them.

I also phoned somebody who was supposedly interested in lessons and was going to phone me back last week but didn't. I'd already spent an hour on her case so that's why I decided to chase her up. Surprisingly, she is still interested but  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: will get back to me next week. So, having been able to move forwards again, I feel less stuck and less frustrated.

Undoubtedly the gardening helped too ;)

Blueberry

Things are looking better. That can change so fast. A friend came by to clean, as promised. That meant that I automatically did some tidying up before hand :) :thumbup:

She was also quite willing to sign a little letter for my ll stating that the business toilet hadn't been flushed at all and the front hall not cleaned in what looked like days. My business neighbour noticed I was showing somebody i.e. I have a witness so he quickly swept his area and mopped it. :thumbup:

sanmagic7

hahaha - what a little visual reinforcement can do for some people, like the one you mentioned suddenly sweeping his area.  ;D

i love the idea of sending foo to a northern forest.  that was a great picture for me to imagine.  it felt very strong and empowering for you.

i don't do IFS, either, at least not now. but i have been able to imagine giving a younger version of me care and compassion for something she's gone thru.  i would like to send a caring, compassionate hug to your IC, if it would help. :hug: and also to say that i'd be willing to hold her sometimes when you don't have the strength or energy, if you'd like.

and, good for you  :thumbup: for doing some positive things for yourself.  well done! :applause:

i give you a lot of credit for sticking to your guns w/ your LL.  i understand how draining that can be, and i've seen your struggles with one or another over the years.  sending love and a hug filled with continuing energy to deal with the problem :hug:

Blueberry

Thanks san!  :hug:

That's a very good wish for me atm - a hug with continuing energy to deal with the problem!

_________________________________

Just noting for myself that my craving for something sweet to eat and especially to cram straight in my mouth, i.e. to eat in an emotionally unhealthy way,  is pretty high so long as my translation isn't finished. I don't want to feel into it. Maybe that would help, maybe it would distract from translating. I'm yawning, the kind of yawning that means I'm processing something.

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I was thinking of you, so popped over to give you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thank you Hope! How kind of you!  :hug: :hug:
__________________________
I am so tired. I was going to do more work tonight but that's obviously not going to happen.

Blueberry

Actually I have just been doing more work, but not writing homework exercises for students  :no: :no:  Just in the past 24 hours or so I have had a resurging interest in translating children's literature and a couple of trauma books. It's been a dream of mine for a long time and I have researched it from time to time and seen how it's not at all easy to get into the field as that involves becoming aquainted with publishers, not simply getting going on your own.

From my previous times reading and researching I have a lot of websites noted, some of which I must have read before. This evening I got further with my reading, or maybe I was reading websites in more detail than ever before? Anyway one publisher listed what they're looking for from authors and in my mind I could tick off most points for my author of choice :thumbup: She's done this, that's why the book appeals and that's why I think the book ought to be translated. So that's heartening. Also that part of the website is giving me clues on how to 'sell' the book to the publishing co. so they might actually want to buy the foreign rights off the original language publisher.

And if they don't, which is quite possible, or if they do but then pass the translation onto a literary translator who already does freelance work for them (also a risk), taking this first step would be giving me experience. Experience will probably lead to some sort of result / success at some point. Even if that is merely the success of knowing I tried and discovered it's not my thing. But at least I'd know. I wouldn't continue to live or eventually leave this earth (in 3-4 decades or less, who knows?) regretting never having tried.

Though when I think about the usual translations I do - certificates and that kind of short (semi-)legal document - and how I really don't like it, how I'm not inspired, but I feel I have to pull through when it is a document I can (more or less) do, because I need to earn my money somehow. Even after all my struggle through it and making last minute formatting mistakes which force me to re-do a whole table and think "There must be an easier and quicker way of doing this but otoh I don't have time, energy or mental wherewithal to figure it out now" and then realise as usual that I'm earning about €5 an hour not because my asking price is too low but because I can only work very slowly, then I'd prefer to try and get into a line of translation where at least I could be creative with the language instead of trying to remember the correct terminology in the area of Vital Stats or something. OK, that was obviously that was a huge run-on sentence but I'm not attempting to get my Journal published so I don't care!

My country is going back into a stricter lock-down than we've had for months and it feels to me as if it's an opportunity to get on with things I don't otherwise do. Idk why it feels that way but I noticed that yesterday as a real physical feeling in my gut. It really felt and feels like a relief. Idk what it is about the lockdown that helps and why I don't have the feeling I can get on with things when it's more or less 'business as usual'. It is what it is. Other people round here who are not even in T or anything like that have said similar too though. It's an opportunity to let go, sit back, reground, sift through, figure out new priorities etc and all that without being distracted with all the things people - me too - manage to distract themselves with. Too many hobbies, leisure time activies, bits of volunteer work or advocacy work here and there - 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there still uses up time and energy -  'have to dos' or 'should dos'. Most of that falls by the wayside and I have energy for things that have been on the backburner for a while :) :thumbup: