More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

I feel like hiding under the bedclothes  and in fact I have been doing a lot of that today. So I will go and write on 3 Good Things instead.

[Blueberry]

I come back on here thinking I'll write, but when I get here I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered doing much irl either, although to give me my due I did respond to a few emails I've been intending to do for a while, so that's a form of reaching out. It's way too late to phone somebody but it would be good to do that tomorrow.

Yesterday in T I figured that I'm really doing pretty well atm and now look at me, I say to myself, what a mess. Especially my apartment. Oh man, what a mess. I have bigger living quarters for my Little Furries than I ever used to have. It's good for them but it's more to clean. I did do that yesterday but I did have to push myself a bit. Oh well, I just have to admit to myself that for whatever reason things are a bit difficult today, even though things seemed good in therapy yesterday.

Maybe there was some part of me that didn't feel so good yesterday that didn't get expressed? Yes, the inner head is nodding. That would explain why part of me feels like screaming and yelling and getting hysterical. My T gave me a new exercise yesterday where you can tap your head and maybe massage it to and make grimaces and noises with your mouth but you don't actually have to 'go into anything' since I often don't want to, but maybe there was something I ought to have gone into? Again the inner head is nodding. That explains my desire to eat today. Well, there's lots of time to do some processing tomorrow. It really is time to go to bed now.

[sanmagic7]

much love and many hugs while you sort this out, blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thanks san 
One thing I realised today - it's difficult moving out of lockdown. We never had a really strict lockdown in place but now people are moving out more and more and the emergency laws are being relaxed. Now I have this feeling that things are going back to normal so I have to "be normal" too. It's as if the covid lockdown was a time of respite and now I'll be expected to or expect myself to be normal. In some ways that would be good undoubtedly - wash hair and shower: I haven't done that for aaaages. If societal norms help me with basic self-care, that's good, but my not doing these things automatically shows me how strenuous they are for me. Actually I know that because it takes a lot out of me to do them in normal times.

For whatever reason I'm feeling vulnerable and that can make showering seem dangerous, also listening to music I like. Difficulty listening to music I like has to do with B1, I know. I managed to work through that during inpatient therapy. It took a long time, but I managed. Idk what the hurdle is atm. I guess I need patience with myself.

[Blueberry]

Something I read and then responded to on Sceal's journal brought a memory up. Sceal's T says she needs to stand on her own two feet - bing! Trigger! That's the sort of thing B1 decided and pronounced a lot while I was growing up. Somehow it was his prerogative to decide that for me. I was sometimes helped out of my predicament by other people and sometimes I helped myself out too. It was usually in the outdoors somewhere doing some sport and he'd back out and say: "it's time you learned to do this on your own!"  Who was he to decide?? I presume by that time I was already traumatised - I was generally frightened, nervous and physically weak and slow in ways that remained until a good way through trauma therapy. His backing out and leaving me to do whatever on my own didn't actually work out the way he thought it might. I remained frightened and sometimes I remained huddled crying somewhere seemingly unable to get out of the situation on my own.

Recently somebody asked me if I liked going out to the lake (in general) and all that came was a memory of canoeing and feeling useless and not part of my FOO, not good enough to join in what they were doing. I did go canoeing with them and other things like walking along the edge of a very frozen lake but I was frightened and cried all the way. I can imagine that that was annoying for parents, but I was presumably way out of depth with my feelings and if FOO did any comforting it was via logic and that simply didn't work. But mostly they shouted at me and called me names. And canoeing: I just never felt very happy in a boat, just didn't feel safe to me. Possibly the problem was being with FOO in boats, or possibly the fear of boats is not even connected to the boats... I don't like flying but at some point in my adult life I started panicking in planes and the reason eventually came to the fore: there's no safe ground under foot in a plane (obviously) and that lack of safe ground reminded me viscerally of CSA. Maybe that's the trouble or part of the trouble with boats too. CSA started really early, before I was introduced to canoeing. And then there was all the emotional and psychological abuse and neglect which made me feel useless at different types of sport. Well, they told me I was, so no wonder I felt that way.

Once B1 even shoved a canoe I was in and he was supposedly going to get in - he shoved it away instead saying it was time I learned to be in a canoe on my own. I climbed out instead and swam back to shore and he had to go and rescue the canoe before it floated off downstream (ha, ha). I didn't get in much trouble surprisingly enough, I was just told that it was safer to stay in a boat then get out of it in moving water. But B1 didn't get in any trouble whatsoever. Nobody said anything to him about agreeing to go in a boat with somebody and shoving the boat out into the current with the other person alone in it. I didn't believe in my ability to make the canoe do what I wanted or needed, so I climbed out of it   And I didn't cry because I was able to act in the situation instead, just not the way FOO expected.

I guess my T realises it's not helpful for me to be 'pushed away' to work things out for myself. I do quite a lot of the latter anyway, but it wouldn't feel good to me to be told I have to manage on my own or I 'should' be able to manage on my own 'by now'. In fact I tell myself that often enough, which my T knows. It wouldn't help if he joined in, with me and with FOO.

[Not Alone]

Lacking the childhood foundation of safety, not feeling loved and cared for, not having a safe adult help with feelings and situations; makes it really difficult to "work things out." Plus, at such young ages, we were forced to deal with things that no one should ever have to handle. All our energy and resources went into surviving. I'm not sure if this makes sense. I'm working through it myself.

[Blueberry]

It makes total sense to me, notalone, thanks for posting. I'm sorry you're working through this at the moment too.

At least when I can engage my brain it makes sense, but otherwise I seem to be somewhere else rn. Maybe a large part of me can be in an EF and simultaneously a small part of me can step to the fore in certain situations and function, but mostly not very well? I think I'll go and read on the EF part of the forum.

[Blueberry]

I did read on the appropriate part of the forum yesterday and it helped along with - as usual - simply time. I'm not quite out of my EF but more parts of me are functioning again. I don't feel so paralysed anymore.

I think, I even know, that adopting Little Furries again was not the best plan in all ways. They do make work which I simply do not feel up to doing so now I feel really behind in cleaning, tidying and even laundry. It's as if I'm drowning in Little Furry paraphernalia and work. I could be EFT-ing this realisation but somehow I can't even muster up the energy to do that. But it's helpful to admit to myself and now on here that maybe it wasn't the best plan. otoh I know it was good to adopt them from the situation they were in, so if I decide to re-home them once this Corona stuff has calmed down a bit, then that would certainly be an option, for which I would not need to feel guilty. I probably would feel the latter a bit, but at least I've given myself reasons to not feel that way. So that makes me feel relieved and removes some of the feeling of: I've got years of work ahead of me looking after Little Furries and paying for their care too.

Also admitting to myself that it might not have been the best plan freed up energy and motivation for me to go and sit next to their housing and observe them and talk to them, which in turn gives me joy and more energy to look after them as well as more energy to think up different solutions which might make some of their care easier, less time-consuming. Ideas I'd had before actually but hadn't gone through with.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

I come on here to write and then hardly manage it. e.g. yesterday evening. Today I'm trying anyway. My office is chaos, my apartment is chaos. I can't clear either atm. Tidy a tiny bit, yes, but no more. I managed quite a lot of clearing yesterday in the garden. That's something I cannot manage always at all. I mean clearing some plants that have spread way too far, clearing parts of beds to make room for other plants with prettier, bee-friendlier flowers. That's ofte something I cannot decide on at all. And now it's working. So doesn't it make better sense to do that than attempt to clear up in rooms, especially at this time of year? It's good to be outside with the nice weather. When I spend time indoors, I often head to my sofa because it's really difficult not to.

The only things in my apartment I am managing to let go of atm are books - off to the neighbourhood bookshelf - and  paper(s). Getting rid of books is certainly good, makes space for other books that are on the floor. Papers and bits of paper don't take up much room but everything helps.

Here I can write it, it's hard to admit it to other people, tho I have told one friend: care of Little Furries is just too much for me. It's helpful to think that I might not keep them for their whole lives and that atm they're having a nice holiday with me, often going down into the garden and they are together again and have their gigantic living quarters again. They had been separated from each other and their living quarters. But that doesn't negate the fact that I have one Little Furry with a chronic health problem which needs daily care. I finally did it last night and while I was about it I managed to clip one claw.  I know I ought to be able to clip all of them but it's very hard for me. Forcing a living being to sit still while I do something potentially dangerous to it - you can cut too high up etc. All those "just believe in yourself and you'll manage" sayings don't work for me. Of course not, I don't believe in my ability to do it. Which is why it's good I recognise that I clipped one claw before doing the medicinal care. Also about a week ago I removed a flap of calloused skin of the paws of one of the other Little Furries. I know you're encouraged to do that but I'd never managed before. Well last week I did

Slow bit-by-bit progress is good of course but when you're talking about living beings like pets, it can be unfair to them. This makes me sad. My inability makes me sad. My mind is blank. That hasn't happened for a while. Oh yeah now I know what I wanted to write: having got Little Furries again means I'm coming up against a whole slew of 'trauma topics' I might not have come up against. And there were quite enough already anyway.

[Blueberry]

This evening I was losing things, like my pen though it was right in front of me. So I used my pencil. Then I lost it but found my pen again. That is to say it turned up. I also looked everywhere for a text book and found it on my desk more or less in front of me. One thing I did to help mitigate the effects was deliver some homework to a student (into his letter box) rather than scan and email because I knew a little cycle would help ground me a bit. Also the mere thought of grappling with the computer - as is often the case when I have to scan something - was enough to make me want to give up.

Another thing I did earlier in the day, when I suppose I could sense that this kind of state of mind was coming up, was run a particular errand then and not try and sort out homework for this student or write a note to somebody else although my little cycle to deliver the latter two was in the same part of town as the first errand. I simply knew I couldn't do all three errands together for psychological reasons.

Today I got an email from FOO, nothing special, just keeping in touch. I had been intending to email soon anyway so did that today. I'm blank. COVID denial. Not totally surprising. I still think I'll be sad when my parents especially F passes on, but I'm learning to let go. If they're in denial and get COVID, their problem. It's more the other things F writes about that annoy me - trying triangulation and also as usual asking me to pass on greetings to somebody where I've already said I won't. I just don't mention that in responses anymore. Reading and especially responding to FOO emails especially to ones from M and/or F make me question my use of language and not just to them.
Now I'll go over to 3 Good Things to see if that will help me focus on healthier things.

[Blueberry]

Today when I was making a meal, I noticed not for the first time how slow I am about it. I can't do it faster, not even simple meals. It takes the time it does, and I suppose the change today is that I'm beginning to accept my slowness with this particular activity as cptsd-related. I did 3 rounds of EFT on accepting it and forgiving myself. I know the answer isn't doing a cookery course somewhere because that wouldn't resolve the underlying problem. In fact doing a course would probably trigger a whole bunch of stuff instead.

I did face one hobgoblin from the past while cooking today. I have a very pretty oven dish which I have never used before. M brought it to me from a deceased relative's house, partly because it is pretty and also good quality but the other good thing about it is it's designed for 1-2 people rather than the usual family of four or more. So I was really happy when M brought it to me over 2 decades ago. As I think back to using it today, I can feel the fear in my diaphragm again.

I know it's an oven-proof dish but while it was in the oven, I was still frightened of the dish cracking, breaking. Well, it has to do with M and the irrational things she expected me to automatically know as a child and later too. That combined with things she brought me or gave me weren't actually mine in her worldview. I have ditched things over the years that I genuinely didn't want or like, as well as some things I did like but didn't want to feel the connection. But there are things like this oven dish that I have kept and I finally dared use it today! But the fear in my diaphragm still makes me feel as if somebody has sent a physical blow to that part of my anatomy.

This visceral fear of the dish cracking in the oven for most of the time the dish was in the oven (40 minutes) and in fact even before I put the mixture in the dish - well, maybe somebody else on here can relate. I don't think anybody without cptsd is likely to be able to relate. The fear helps me understand why I'm slow while preparing food and cooking. I remember somebody else on here commenting that I'm frightened of feelings. I hadn't consciously realised before then, I just knew that they were hard for me, but I didn't know that it was because I'm frightened of feeling my feelings.  Feeling them and just allowing them to be instead of me escaping?? No, thank you!  Preparing food and cooking, also cleaning - these are activities which put me in touch with bad memories of times with M and both GrM, directly connected to doing those activities with them, or most likely under their instruction. That's enough for today.

[Not Alone]

Those seem like big realizations to me. 

[owl25]

it wouldn't feel good to me to be told I have to manage on my own or I 'should' be able to manage on my own 'by now'.

the irrational things she expected me to automatically know as a child and later too.

I relate so much to both these bits, blueberry. I was expected to magically know how to do things, without ever being taught, and if I asked for help, it was a strong negative reaction. I spent the majority of my life petrified when there were things I didn't know how to do and I thought I was supposed to automatically know. It's a really frightening experience to feel that you can't ask, and I would feel such panic about what to do because I didn't know things. So never learned how to do things for myself (ie emotionally), and so to be expected to now figure it out by myself is a trigger. We need to learn first, and we need someone to show us how.

I used to beat myself up for not being more organized and not being able to cook (ok, maybe kind of still do), but am realizing that all my energy is taken up by just trying to get through the day. Our brains are in overdrive all the time and that takes mountains of energy. Not surprising there isn't much left for anything else. I am reminded each time I am able to shift/let go of part of the past traumas. The energy that frees up then surprises me every time, but feels really good.

[Three Roses]

the irrational things she expected me to automatically know as a child and later too

This is also me. Their expectations left me feeling unsure of myself, constantly, everywhere and in every situation.