More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

When I promise to myself here on OOTS that I'm going to do something, or at least try to, it does help me carry through. I've decided I need to pick myself up a bit and take some steps to making things better for myself. During lockdown and semi-lockdown, I've let a good number of things slip and slide. It's time to end that.

My personal hygiene has been lacking, I've been going to bed later and later and then sleeping half the day. I don't have any filing system in my office atm apart from this pile is this student's work and that pile is that student's etc. I've been putting off doing things, some of them as relatively easy as filling out a form for my T and posting it. That kind of thing is actually often on the difficult side for me, but I probably could have done it before today. Even if there were some days in the last 2 weeks where I might have gone crazy internally at the thought.

Partly I just need to go back to: What is the next easiest step that will make me feel better and/or help me move forwards in the here and now? And then start it at least. That's often dish-washing and I have a big stack.

I'm hereby reminding myself of the concept of "contagious healing", meaning one step often gives me the energy and wherewithal to take the next healing step or at least healthy step. Going into the garden may not be a new healing step for me, but at least it's healthier than dropping back on my sofa, zooming around the Internet, over-eating etc. etc. Like in previous paragraph: Start somewhere, but start! I did start yesterday evening but I want to keep it up too because there's an awful lot of backlog.

My other plan this morning was to not write about it all in a self-haranguing way. I certainly don't feel as if I'm haranguing myself. The voice in my head sounds quite gentle. 

[Blueberry]

I was on here a couple of hours ago and I was going to update but my ICr got involved with "Come on, you don't need to write this stuff down here! Do it in your paper Journal or congratulate yourself in your head. Stop wasting time  "

Now I am going to write here. My ICr voice just above is far different from the voice that was present when I wrote the previous post. Then, the voice was gentle, encouraging. Really good for me today to notice the difference!!

So, ways in which I picked myself up today in random order: (1) I eventually changed out of my lockdown bland, messy, ill-fitting clothes into colourful, colour-coordinated, respectable, well-fitting clothes. This is me moving out of the mindset: it's only me in lockdown, nobody can see me anyway (not quite true), it doesn't matter, I don't matter.
(2) I reminded myself that my anti-deps are actually pro-clarity, pro-efficiency etc i.e. they actually do something for me rather than 'just' taking the depression away, so I took that and also 2 other medications: pro-energy + pro-motivation; pro-routine-building. They're 'real' prescription medications too.
(3) I washed a pile of dishes and hey presto! my kitchen looks much better
(4) I got up this morning when I woke up, even though it was very early.
(5) I put some books away that were lying around on my office floor.
(6) I did 2 loads of laundry and hung it all up in the garden. (My laundry as opposed to laundry for Little Furries is something I got really behind on during lockdown.) Knowing that I made an inroad into that huge, enormous pile of dirty laundry is good. Can't really see a difference on my floor yet, but I know there is one.
(7) I amalgamated some garbages.
(8 ) Started drinking more water and less caffeine.
(9) I had the wherewithal to pick grass etc. for the Little Furries
(10) I spent some time in the garden in the sun and the warmth, which is really beneficial even if I am 'just' picking grass or hanging up laundry or taking a few minutes to see which flowers are about to bloom - all of which I did today. Sometimes my ICr likes to deny me this: "Stop wasting time! Do something useful!  "
(11) I reminded myself several times to leave the Internet e.g. don't read news and/or surf around and then I did leave   
(12) I had breakfast, a fairly healthy one too, and even sat down to eat.
(13) I allowed myself a nap in the middle of the day since I had got up so early and slept little last night, but once I got up from my nap, I stayed up instead of lying down again.
(14) There were things I had planned to do and then when I sat down to do them, I realised that it's too early - don't have the wherewithal yet - and I accept this. Rome wasn't built in a day and it takes more than a day to get really back on track once I've slithered off.
And now: to continue along these lines for the rest of the evening, tomorrow and in the following days!

And then after most of this I got over a hurdle of unlocking an audio zip-file I need for my work. It's something I didn't 'dare' to do for over 2 weeks. It's a fear-based thing I'm up against. ICr.: "Don't touch! You'll do it wrong! The computer might explode!" (something might happen out of the blue that I have no control over) ICr.: "or you might delete important functions on the hard drive and then it'll cost tons of money to repair " I see M in my head. So that's useful to know.
Anyway  I can hear the audio file and so I can teach with it next lesson!

[Hope67]

Wow Blueberry, so many things you've accomplished 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

  Yay for your many accomplishments. I love that you are speaking to yourself with a gentle voice.

[Snowdrop]

Well Done Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Thank you all! 

It's important for me to note that it's not just the fact that I'm getting things done, but rather that I'm doing things that help me get back on track emotionally. In fact, I was probably in an EF the past week or two. Maybe several EFs overlapping even, with some being worse than others. That would explain me managing to do better for a couple of days and then skittering off the path again.

One thing I didn't manage yesterday was going to bed before midnight. In fact I didn't get into bed till 2am and then I couldn't really sleep so got up again at 5:30 and have done quite a few useful things since. I have also had breakfast and taken 2 out of 3 meds, and am now drinking my tea.

As I wrote further up, my attitude to myself is changing  There's a kind, gentle voice in me that can be louder than my ICr. Last T session a few days ago I realised my ICr. was airing its opinion about why I hadn't got back on track earlier or done it on my own without T or something like that and then I realised and said that it wasn't very helpful or beneficial for me to dwell on the fact that I hadn't been able to get back on track earlier. My T agreed, especially since he supposed that I'd heard those particular comments from M kazillions of times already. So I think the change now is partly due to this validation from my T, partly something is undoubtedly healing. Today I'm allowing myself to feel the progress and keep going in the bent rather than giving into a voice (might even be ICr) pointing out all the other places where I'm stuck atm and trying to push me onto working on these issues too. But I do now realise that adding more issues than necessary will just make me super-exhausted, put me back in an EF and make everything worse. Much better to go with the flow of what's changing and healing now instead of piling more and more on my plate due to some inner voice saying (M turns up in my head, so ICr.) you've managed to change x so you should be able to change y, z, p and q as well right now.    ICr. is wrong. Those changes will come when I'm at the right stage in recovery.

Today I did some much needed pet care. I remember a while back it was good progress that I managed to clip one claw on one pet. (Each pet has 14 claws.) Today I managed three claws while I was checking a couple of other things and even giving pain killer and some other medicine. Doing medical care which involves holding a pet still, 'captive', and 'inflicting' my will on the pet especially working with a tool (claw clippers) that could potentially hurt the pet is all very triggering. So 3 claws instead of one is definitely an improvement. Has the improvement developed quickly enough for me to do the necessary care regularly and fairly stress-free for me and pets? No not really, unfortunately. Potentially opening another can of worms. EFT would be good but in the past couple of days I've felt to exhausted to even do EFT.

My T said something really helpful about the exhaustion: it's not that e.g. cleaning makes me so exhausted, it's the voices and emotions and whatever other burdens that I'm carrying on account of the trauma that make things like cleaning so exhausting. Even though that's probably just another way of saying: "Ms. Blueberry, you're falling back into EFs when you feel that exhausted", somehow the way he explained it helped me understand on another level, deeper, and more with my emotions instead of only with my intellect. Grasping it more with my emotions is helping me accept that for the moment that's the way it is.  for acceptance.

I had planned to shower and wash my hair this morning - another exhaustion case (!) - but I think I'll give that a miss and just do a quick wash. What my T has been showing me recently, and then practising with me, is creating barriers to FOO in my imagination, so not just on a screen the size of a postage stamp, but also behind dark, bullet-proof glass, if need be with chains to prevent them climbing out of the screen and interfering with me again. My T said the time will come when I'll feel able to do this exercise at home in order to sweep FOO and all their interfering, disparaging comments about and to me away, every time I need it e.g. before I shower and/or wash hair, clip the pets' claws, send a price estimate to a client and 101 other problematic situations.

[Snowdrop]

There's a kind, gentle voice in me that can be louder than my ICr.

This sounds like real progress, Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thank you Snowdrop, it is! 

Today I've done quite a bit of cleaning and some tidying beforehand and I feel both better for having done it and simply better because parts of my apartment are clean and tidy again. I also feel empowered in a way. But also tired afterwards. That's nothing new. I used to feel tired way earlier though. So it's definitely a good sign that I can clean for a longer time in one go.

Last night I went to bed when I was tired which was 9:30pm  and after doing a little EFT (I accept and forgive myself, full stop, no reason!), I started yawning and fell asleep and I slept till 8am and got up after reading a little in one of Pete Walker's books. That's a big improvement on going to bed at 2am, not being able to fall asleep and then not getting out of bed till noon or later. I also took all my meds this morning and had a healthy breakfast, and I did some pet care too. I went into the garden and did a little stacking of garden furniture, plus a little weeding, and watering since I de-mossed and re-seeded part of my lawn yesterday. I plan to do some professional work later today but also go over to a friend's place and use her bath before she returns this evening. Not having my own bathtub or even a nice cosy bathroom, it's really nice to have this kind of arrangement , me and another friend of hers

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3R 

I won't be going to bed before midnight tonight because it's now 8 minutes past. However otherwise lots of good stuff today since my last post. I have a translation due on Wednesday, first one this year, and I started it this evening. In particular, I've done all the set-up and got a bunch of formatting done which is something I don't like doing because I find it time-consuming and finickity. This way I'm set to really move on terminology and more translation tomorrow and probably even more important, I'm not dreading it. That will help me get out of bed Monday morning. 

It's a bit chilly this evening so I bothered to go and get some warmer clothes (keeping warm is really important for me but also an item of self-care that I sometimes have to push myself to do and/or I don't notice I'm cold till I'm really cold). I also lit a couple of candles since they create a bit of warmth and I like to see them burning.

I got a letter a couple of days ago from my landlord to notify me that I'm paying too little rent on both my apartment and my office. In the case of my apartment it's true and it's also a very small amount - last time there was a slight increase due to an increase in the house water charge, I seemed to have either completely forgotten to change the amount at my bank or I possibly increased it by the wrong amount, which unfortunately happens easily to me if I'm in a medium level EF for a week or two. So I'm going to deal with that tomorrow. In the case of my office though it's because my previous ll agreed to reduce the rent for me but didn't amend my contract. I'm going to ask previous ll to write a confirmation that he did in fact do that so present ll knows there is a reason behind the 'too little rent' I've been sending. It's likely that current ll will want to increase my office rent back to the original, but I decided today that I'm going to say something along the lines of "Great. Can you invest some money now too please? I need better insulated windows!" I might be a bit more tactful with the exact expression... ll also wants the back-payments till February 2019 which is when he bought our building. I'm going to 'discuss' that because it's not my fault he has taken till now to check on this! I feel empowered and strong while thinking this last item, even though I also have a nervous feeling in my lower gut. Still, it's progress in standing up for myself and in planning to try and get a compromise at least on my office payment instead of lying down and just taking it. I'm also reminding myself that it's possible he won't put the rent back up after all. There are quite a lot of empty office buildings in my part of town and vacancies are likely to increase in the next few months, so he should be glad to have a tenant at all!

[Not Alone]

I applaud the way you have been treating yourself with grace and kindness. 

[Snowdrop]

I join Notalone in applauding you. Well done.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone and Snowdrop!
My progress continues. I'm having trouble getting going again on my translation. I caught myself thinking about how I'm "wasting time instead of getting on with it" and immediately reminded myself that as I'm not getting on with it there will be a reason for me to look into. I'm putting off because  (probably some emotions I don't want to feel or ICr on translation skills I don't want to hear etc). The results of cptsd are what they are. It doesn't help to harangue myself with "time-wasting".

[Blueberry]

Still having a lot of trouble. In fact I was sitting reading comments on the Internet for a couple of hours while pulling my hair out - SH. Till I realised what I was doing and stopped. Pulling my hair out calms me and then suddenly I realise "What on earth are you doing??  "

[Blueberry]

I'm somewhat calmer today. Though I'm working under time pressure, as usual with translations. Oops that latter part is in rather an ICr. voice.

Today I realised suddenly that the way I translate not being sentence by sentence the way you might expect but a bit here, a bit there with all sorts of question marks to myself and then all of a sudden it's as if those branches clogging up the stream break free and I have the solutions. Then the branches clog up again..., some break free, solutions again etc. It's interesting that it's the same mental image I have for when things get stuck in general in day-to-day life with the only difference being that there is more energy piled up behind the branches and released in a big whoosh when I'm translating.