More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Tee]

Sounds like it's your garden that you have worked hard for. Ddon't ttalk ddown to yourself you ddeserve to to have ppeace in your garden. 

[sanmagic7]

and yeah!  i don't blame you for having had enough of it all!  my dear blueberry, i know how much you work in that garden, how many rocks and stones and bricks you've chucked out of it, how many weeds you've pulled over the years, and i'm so glad for you that you now know you don't have to share anymore if you don't want to!  that guy has his own issues - we all do, for crying out loud! - but that's no excuse for acting like a child, for being petulant, for disrespecting your boundaries over and over. 

i'm with you all the way on this, blueberry.  you so deserve the peace and renewal that a garden can bring, w/o others trying to mess it up for you.  go for it, sistah!!!  (***fist raised in solidarity***)  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

 

He's wrong. There are no excuses. It's yours, not his, and he's wrong.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your validation and support! On and off I'm celebrating internally because that was a great step forward!

My business neighbour looks stony-faced or ignores me completely, which is fine by me. I think he was just bluffing when he said things like ll invited him to sit in the garden. I remembered yesterday that the guy before the woman before him told a bald-faced lie or two in dealings with me and I'm sure the current neighbour is quite capable of that too. He is reminding me more and more of B1.

I've been repeating the refrain of: "I'm not putting up with this type of behaviour towards me anymore!!!" It feels quite strong.

Yesterday a youngish student came by and it turned out he had a cold. I now have a tickle and some pain in the back of my throat. I'm hoping it's just a normal cold since the weather turned cold and wet today. But I could still do without a cold. They usually take 2 weeks to clear up in my case. I am annoyed at the family for just sending him since I mentioned that I have a shakey immune system and they claimed to understand. I guess not.

Of course I should have sent him home as soon as I realised he had a cold but I didn't dare to, somehow. I was doubting my own belief that I need to shield as much as possible. Well, there are reasons for the self-doubt, stuck way back in my childhood. I'm really tired now, better wrap up warm and go to bed.

[Blueberry]

I woke up this morning with all sorts of plans on ideas I've had before but had put to one side, especially on literary translations. Although I do realise I won't be implementing them right away because the steps that occurred to me will need to be broken down into very baby steps and they also depend on other people - authors, publishers etc with whom I have had next to no dealings before so new territory for me, nonetheless I was really surprised and happy that these ideas came up again. It means that some blockages have become unstuck/de-blocked. My T session was very useful and cathartic yesterday.

I ended up sleeping most of today. But yesterday I finally asked my T if these bouts of exhaustion after therapy work or after I've taken a big step on my own like setting a very clear boundary and having it accepted are connected to the brain work going on, e.g. all those synapses developing and joining up (or whatever it is exactly they do) and my T said yes. So knowing that definitely it makes it easier for me to accept that I have these phases of exhaustion.

I now have as many students again as I had before Covid in normal weeks. My new prices are in the midst of being accepted, I have a traumatised teenaged student who likes coming to my one-on-one lessons and has obviously already build some trust towards me within the space of 2-3 lessons. Even though I didn't think I taught very well last week. I was a bit scatter-brained which sometimes happens when I'm not well grounded. Didn't seem to put this student off though. I discovered today that her mother told her some form of I'm not 100% healthy either. Whether her mother mentioned trauma or not Idk. But it's fine by me. I know it about the student, so she can know it about me too. Presumably knowing it has helped her build trust so fast.

[rainydiary]

I ended up sleeping most of today. But yesterday I finally asked my T if these bouts of exhaustion after therapy work or after I've taken a big step on my own like setting a very clear boundary and having it accepted are connected to the brain work going on, e.g. all those synapses developing and joining up (or whatever it is exactly they do) and my T said yes. So knowing that definitely it makes it easier for me to accept that I have these phases of exhaustion. 

I appreciate you sharing this - I've been especially exhausted in similar ways and figured it was related to my growth.  It is tough but I'm glad to know it is for good. 

[Tee]

  big steps blueberry that's awesome about your student. Keep moving forward.  Big hug of encouragement

[Blueberry]

Thank you Tee for your encouragement.    I'm glad my other point helped you too rainydiary.   
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I'm having a hard time getting on with things atm, especially housework and basic self-care, not to mention pet care. I do do the basic pet care. But I also know that these phases come and go.

I was up at the farm Sunday evening till Monday morning doing manual pest control at a cool time of day. By the time I cycled home it was pretty warm and I went to sleep for the afternoon and today I simply didn't get out of bed until I needed to do so to teach. I know part of that is because I feel safe in bed and I had the need to feel safe today. But I also am giving into my addictions atm and I don't want to feel what's going on internally. Possibly something fairly hefty since it's more addicitions than just eating.

Being at the farm often helps me get on with things at home, but not so much this time. Though I didn't do so many of my usual jobs there, partially because of the way I'm isolating and they are not. Maybe I worked a little bit too long. It was hard to stop because I kept seeing those pesky beetles that needed to leave the potato field and never come back   Still I am continuing to get better there about not harping onto myself in my head about how I should be working better, faster, and making 'better' decisions about things like closing the empty field or not.

I read something today about how people who pile too much on their own plate (of activities!) tend to damage their immune system. So I'm wondering if that's maybe another reason (other than distancing and frequent hand-washing) why I've had no cold/flu since corona broke out whereas up until then for about the duration of a year, I kept getting colds and very bad colds (that took 2 weeks to heal). I know that singing in the choir was good for me but now that we haven't practised for a few months now, I'm wondering if that isn't that one thing too many that I should drop. 

[Blueberry]

I came on here earlier but didn't allow myself to write for 'should' reasons. I shouldn't need this anymore or something along those lines. Why ever not?

I had therapy Thursday morning and slept, read, dozed all day afterwards though I had said I'd go up to the farm in the afternoon till Fri AM. I didn't really get going with anything till 9pm when I finally did some overdue pet care. Then I was going to write some long overdue homework for 2 of my students but ended up reading news and comments on Internet instead. Well no point in haranguing myself because that would involve a 'should' world view.

I got a bill this week for my new advertising and it's a little higher than 'expected' because I hadn't read the original offer correctly. It's worth the price partly because I do need the advertising and partly because I genuinely do feel grateful that the graphic designer doesn't put me under any pressure when I pull on the brakes again, hard. My new flyers are being delivered later today. As soon as I read the notification email I perked up a bit. I've been working on this off and on for so long and now it's finally coming to fruition

I can't really remember how we got onto it in T this morning but we were working on my problems with cleaning, how it exhausts me so much. No wonder I went back to bed for the day. Though my T did say that when I do so it's OK because I do it when I need to and then I get up again at some point (get up to stay up, that is) and carry on. And I figured I don't go down into the garden when I'm feeling like that because it isn't a really safe place because I share the whole space with others who don't all accept my boundaries. So having cleared that up, I won't feel much impetus to harangue myself about not going into the garden when feeling down.

I say to myself: No wonder I'm having such trouble moving on professional tasks I 'ought' to be moving on - I'm feeling 'stuck' again because there are bills and contracts to write. Strange that I'm not writing homework though because I usually enjoy that. Now I'll go and try again.

[Tee]

  hugs blueberry I like hearing about your day.  I hope that writing here helped you be able to work on the homework. For me sometimes I just have to get something out of my head Before I can move on to a more productive day. I hope you have a great day big encouraging hug. You got this.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Tee, it did help. So maybe writing now will help some too.
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I don't even know why. My T said last time that these feelings are a good sign for me. They're showing that there's more energy there to do things, to be active rather than just pull back. Today there's this whole list of things I 'should' do though Should Is Never Good For Me. The weather is a bit on the cooler side - a bit windy and below 25° - what I'd really like to do is cycle back up to the farm and continue annihilating potato beetles and their larvae by hand. I'd much prefer that to tidying up and cleaning in my apartment. Or a bunch of work-related stuff I should be doing like writing bills and contracts and homework and... Oh there's that should again.

I was on the farm Friday evening till Sat noon. Saturday I remained a little too long up on the field - too much sun, got too tired, cycled home in the sun too at a time of day I would have been better off in the shade. There are however joys up on the farm and on the way to and from. I see lots of greenery, different grasses and wild flowers on the way and on the farm. When I walked up to the field to start work at 7:30 on Saturday, I saw a fox running from the field. Foxes are pretty common these days. Still I don't see them that often, darting in and out of the plants, long bushy tail flying behind. Later I saw two hares playing in the field beside the vegetable patch. Also lots of pretty beetles (green, gold) other than the potato beetles, which are actually quite pretty too. It's just they ruin the potato crop I saw some huge pale green grasshoppers, one of whom had speared a large potato beetle larva One less for me.

In a few days it's finally school holidays here, but rather unusually I have at least four adult students coming for some of or even all the holidays and one school child who may come some times. On the face of this it's good because I had loss of income March to May and I also tend to kind of droop in August anyway because almost all my routine stops and most of my friends go on holiday 2 weeks plus and I mostly don't, or if I do max a week of working holiday e.g. at one of the yoga places. But everything's different this year. Once I finally made the decision: no holiday, not even a few days, I noticed I plunged into depression but also there was this explosive part. I suppose I should be explaining to some inner parts that we're going to be doing some staycation. And then make sure I do that - a bit for all my parts. There's an IC who likes to read, another who likes to do word puzzles - things I do often. There's another who likes to run barefoot through grass - don't do that often at all - and another who likes to wade in little rivers or even swim. Let's see, there's another part who likes to move to music or maybe two parts because there's an Inner Teen who does all kinds of moving in private and then there's an IC who likes to walk around or sway to nursery rhymes - so different kind of moves and taste in music altogether. There's also an IC who's embarrassed to like the traditional music of the country my parents come from. Needless to say FOO ridiculed me on that, but I can play some on the keyboard and I also have CDs but I have to be in the mood for it.

Then there would be holiday things for my adult. I like to swing and there are big adult hammock-like swings a half-day cycle away. I haven't used my better but more unusal bike for a while now. I need to get a new mirror for it but then using it or even my less good bike for going for little cycles other than to the farm - could be fun. No choir but I could sing again at home, just for me. Hymns too, they do me good. 

My new flyers came on Friday. Even though I worked on them and knew what they were turning into, now that I see them they're not what I expected somehow. It's weird. I feel as if I have to get used to them. There's too much text as usual. Otoh the husband of a friend of mine - they both have somewhat creative jobs - said your own advertising feels like work-in-progress. At some point you just have to decide. So that's what I finally did! I feel a little stressed because the graphic designer wrote she'd like to know how they appeal to me and I find it hard to write the truth: "I need some time, I hope they grow on me. Atm they seem 'too busy' to me."

Well, now that I've written a few things e.g about the advertising and what my holiday/staycation could look like, I do feel better.

[Tee]

  sounds like you could stay busy for weeks on your staycation 🙂 enjoy your time!

[Blueberry]

These are just ideas, Tee. I may not do all of them, probably won't in fact. It's often a real struggle. otoh I felt better for simply having written them. It is good to take a holiday from the normal run-of-the-mill even if it's just for 5 minutes (barefoot in grass) but so long as I do it really concentrating on it and absorbing with all my senses, it'll do a lot of good. I think in the next couple of days I'll write them out on paper and stick them up in my apartment to remind myself without having to get on the computer. Less computer would be a good thing in August too.

Anyway I dropped by on OOTS to say 'Hi' having checked for any emails and found none. Somebody on OOTF surmised in a reply to me that I'm lonely. I didn't respond to it. But yeah, deep down I probably am lonely while still needing a lot of time for myself. Being with other people can be stressful, though it is no longer as stressful for me as it was when I was younger. I guess I'm better at reading other people's signals and cues now, so I don't worry about things FOO dinned into me which were untrue mostly anyway e.g. people just talking to me because they felt sorry for me but really wishing I'd go away It may have been true on occasion but not as the norm.

So, back to the day job as they say. Actually some much-needed cleaning: office windows and then the toilet. Ugh. But I haven't done the latter in a while so whether my mess or the tailor's is a moot point.

[Tee]

  well enjoy your holiday when your done with your cleaning,   I hope you and all of your parts have a good time I can't What
Wait to hear about your fun adventures!

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i totally agree about the exhaustion thing - i've heard that using our brains is just as exhausting as using our bodies.  i think you've been doing a really good job lately of taking more of the time you need for sleep/rest than you have in the past.  well done!

whatever you decide to do for a holiday, i hope it's pure enjoyment.  love and hugs