New here. Hi!

[Essie]

Hi,
I'm glad to have found you all as I hope this will be a good home for me.  I've been in therapy off and on since I was 32.  I am now 71.  Originally diagnosed with Uni-polar Depression and then with Bi-Polar Disorder, I've had 17 therapists and been on every med of every class, including Lithium.  Nothing worked.  The last drug tried was IV Ketamine.  I raised a family while sick from meds for those wrong diagnoses and I got good at hiding my misery.  By 2006 I was an inpatient for a suicide attempt .  At age 70, I was taken off all meds, and diagnosed with C-PTSD.   Grief and anger followed at time lost, prospects lost, and health lost.  Because I was labeled as 'sick' by doctors, my credibility and reputation were destroyed.  I won't return to a therapist.  I want to be able to think for myself and not make decisions only after asking my husband or therapist first. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
My mother was 16 when I was born and never lived with my father.  They were divorced when I was a baby, and she ran away and took me on the road.  We lived in a series of rented rooms, apartments and trailer courts, alone, or with various relatives, some abusive, all alcoholics.  I've moved 34 times, 15 times before I was five, sometimes in the middle of the night with drunkenness and screaming attendant.  I was molested by three strangers before the age 9.  My mother remarried when I was 5.  She had Borderline Personality Disorder and  fear was the order of the day. She started threatening my life when I was about eight, and continued to do so periodically for unidentifiable infractions until she died five years ago.  She drove a wedge between me and my siblings and they all believed that snark and mean-spirited interaction was not only fine, it was funny.   My step-father was emotionally distant. My biological father rejected me and by the time I was 16, my house had burned down, I had lost everything again, and I'd been in a flood. 

I've taken the abuse that anyone wanted to mete out.  I married a man who has children with his ex-wife.  She hated me and made the kids hate me and their mistreatment of me was ongoing.  Because I have the freeze response,  I never stick up for myself, which makes me feel weak and horrible.  Since my husband had to travel for work, he couldn't always be present to protect me,  so I went through a lot even after we got married.  But I've been very lucky in one way:  I chose well with my husband and we've been married 50 years.  He is supportive, patient, kind and protective.  I have one great son, who is also kind and a strong person and two sweet grandchildren.

So that's mostly it.  My doubts about my self-worth and my seemingly irrational reactions are firmly entrenched.  I'm hoping to change all that. 
--Essie

[Hope67]

Hi Essie,
Welcome, and I'm glad you've found your way here - you've been through so much.
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Essie, so glad you found your way to us too    Like you it was a long road here too as I was misdiagnosed for decades.   

There are lots of resources and members here with shared experiences and I hope you find good info, support and validation. 

[Not Alone]

Essie,
Welcome. 

[Essie]

Thank you, everyone!  I have such high hopes!
--Essie

[Three Roses]

Welcome!

[brightlight]

Hi Essie,

Welcome 

[Snowdrop]

Welcome to the forum, Essie.

[Snookiebookie2]

 

Welcome x