Went NC third time lucky

[Boatsetsailrose]

It's been a painful week... Turbulent.
I first went NC with Ubpd m 22 yrs ago and this was for 10yrs. I went back for a year and went NC for the 2nd time. 2 mths ago I made contact as I wanted to face m (this was done on the phone) and tell my story of what it was like for me back then done without blame and I was able to call out the abuse. I did this as I didn't feel I could lift a part of the shame until I heard myself speak it to her. I've done extensive trauma therapy and made the call genuinely not looking or needing any validation or apology.
I def felt and still feel a sense of liberation. What I didn't plan for was how well the call went after. We spent hours catching up, laughing etc etc.
I had 2 calls after that and things went down hill. Rapidly. I went go into the story but it was overwhelming and I got triggered quite badly.
After a hard week this wk speaking to others in recovery and praying today I made the decision to go nc.
I sobbed this morning really sobbed I wanted it to work.
I am glad I saw things clearly sooner rather than later and I'm glad I've made the decision and can focus on being kind to me and my continued healing..
Danger is not something I want to mess with...

[Not Alone]

glad you made a decision for what is healthy for you. More grief and loss. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks not alone...
Yes the sobbing was good today...
I have an inner parent and can be a friend to myself which hasn't by any stretch been the  case for much of my life.
I've gained I gained by standing  up and speaking my truth and some dark murkey corner of shame has lifted by doing it.
I have loose relationships with some of my family but have never spoken my truth.. I don't know what the future looks like but I'm not prepared to hide anymore. Now I've said it to Ubpd m I feel I can say it to anyone. People may question and I feel I can respond in a dignified and respectful way for me. I'm. Really growing and I'm proud

[Not Alone]

I don't know what the future looks like but I'm not prepared to hide anymore. Now I've said it to Ubpd m I feel I can say it to anyone. People may question and I feel I can respond in a dignified and respectful way for me. I'm. Really growing and I'm proud

Awesome. 

[Three Roses]

Bssr, that sounds crushing. Sorry you were dealt such a blow. Hats off to you for doing such a courageous thing!

[Blueberry]

I don't know what the future looks like but I'm not prepared to hide anymore. Now I've said it to Ubpd m I feel I can say it to anyone. People may question and I feel I can respond in a dignified and respectful way for me. I'm. Really growing and I'm proud

Awesome. 

  You have good reason to be proud!

[Kizzie]

              

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks my people...
Would u be able to offer any reflections based on what I've said, with the knowledge and experience u have?
There is still a part of me that is like.. What I did was it just stupid? Ie telling my story to her.. I mean it doesn't feel stupid it feels right but be good to get an objective reflection from people who get it!
I guess for me time will tell. if I get bad repercussions either from m or family then that will be another thing to deal with.. But somehow I feel I'm ready to really stand up and be strong in my vocal responses if need be.. That family shame that I seem to have been carrying doesn't feel part of me anymore...
In fact I actually feel like I could cut the lot of them off if I need to...

[Kizzie]

I can say that I chose not to talk to my M about the past b/c I've tried over the years and it never went well, or it did briefly and then went downhill like what you experienced with your mother.  The best guidance I got from others who know about/experienced NPD was that my M would not ever change. Confronting her means facing the fact that she is not willing to take any responsibility and I am done with that.  What I did was let go of my hope that she will ever own up to her abuse, love me, apologize - really hard I will say but very freeing at the same time.

Like you I am there for me now and that's what matters. There was a huge hole but even that has grown smaller over time. I've gone NC with other family because they are happy to live in the belief that nothing was/is wrong.  I don't want them in my life because it's a waste of my time and energy trying to convince them otherwise. 

You should be proud Boats, it's a tough journey out of the trauma.   

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks for sharing your experience kizzie..
Quote
What I did was let go of my hope that she will ever own up to her abuse, love me, apologize - really hard I will say but very freeing at the same time'.
Yes, I hear you on this. Well done on that piece of work to get further freedom.
For me I genuinely wasn't looking or needed apology but then I say that after getting one and some acknowledgement  so if it had been different I may not be saying that.
I think there was a part of me that thought we could of had something, that I could get some semblance of care.. Some mother connection.
Her after math I believe would have happened post my experience sharing or not... She is soooo sooo angry its like I just stepped back to 1987 I feel amazed someone can maintain that level of anger for that length of time.. All projected onto every living breathing thing...
With the rest of the family not that I have much contact but I'm not prepared to stay completely silent now... I feel I can be in my adult and be in my power..
I don't need to give details to them but I do feel I need to show my voice....
I'm learning when people in general say something I'm not happy with my default setting is to say nothing... I'm learning I can ask questions or make statements non violently that help me stay in my power this is new for me and feels good..
I've blocked m on phone, what's app and Facebook.... Interesting times ahead I feel. Its my birthday next wk...

[Three Roses]

Would u be able to offer any reflections based on what I've said, with the knowledge and experience u have?
There is still a part of me that is like.. What I did was it just stupid? Ie telling my story to her.. I mean it doesn't feel stupid it feels right....

Not stupid at all! You took steps to speak your truth and possibly to open communications again, to give her a chance. Imo this was healthy and hopeful. And now that she shows no sign of change you can say you tried. Each person has their own limits, boundaries, strengths, wishes, and needs. You acted on all of this, as your own spokesperson. You found your voice and told your truth. That is amazingly awesome! A step toward healing, and changing the patterns of the past which did not serve you well and did not promote growth. If I were you I would feel very proud, I think! 😁

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you three roses for your response...
Yes speaking my truth, telling my story was my motive for connection and something really seems to have shifted from doing it...
I actually saw someone do the same on the real housewives series (I know) and I thought wow that women must have done a lot of recovery work... Id already decided I was going to do it before I saw this but it helped give me a perspective..
And when he got defensive etc she took control and said its in the past now it's about moving on...
I wonder how it will go for her...
Finding my voice in the way I did seems to have unlocked something and my head is higher. This time of going NC there is not the anger I felt 12 yrs ago when I last did it...
I find it sad that she is still so unwell and still in so much rage and hate... Its sad..
And for me now its a walking into my future in a new way. The psych team are discharging me soon the team have been amazing. I've also decided to start slowly reducing off meds.... I feel more integrated than I've ever felt it's been a long 4 yrs of being in cptsd symptoms and healing... Hope is here... Today...

I hope all is growing for you and all

[Three Roses]

And you as well 

[Kizzie]

I feel I can be in my adult and be in my power.

I really like how you've put this Boats           

I feel more integrated than I've ever felt

Well done you!