[Bermuda]

I was no longer receiving feedback on my last three journal posts. I suppose I must have reached the limit. So, I've started this journal as a continuation. I think this journal will probably end up with a lot more drivel and less intrusive memories, because that's where I am at right now on my journey.

I talk about about how the seemingly nuanced events have effected me very deeply compared to things that others would classify as deeply traumatic. I mentioned how it's because when you only know trauma, your brain cannot comprehend things as traumatic. At least that's how it feels for me. There's no normal to compare to.

So, here's a story that is one of those things that has been on my mind lately: We were sitting in the back of the car, I was maybe 10 years old. My mother had the radio on and I was staring at my feet mouthing along to the song, or at least I thought. One of my brothers started harassing me about me singing, and then the whole family pitched in and started making fun of me, and my voice, even though I hadn't even realised I had been making a sound. I rarely made sounds.

As an adult I have had so much trouble speaking up for myself, and people have joked about my voice in passing. Nothing serious, but it really hurts me deeply. I have traveled a lot and have mixed unplaceable accent and people say my voice is too squeaky and quiet. When you seem unconfident people think you're lying. My voice on the outside doesn't represent me well. I am in my midthirties, and I have this silly goal that someday I want to go on stage and sing a karaoke song. Not because I want to sing well, but because I want to sing aloud. I envy people with confidence to speak, to be looked at. People who have a style of their own. I am considering getting a voice coach just to learn to be confident. I just want to overcome this very big little trauma.

I do love mice, but I am not a mouse.

[Eidolon]

Bermuda, that's awful of them to do. Your goal isn't silly- if it builds confidence, I think you should do it. :hugs: Cheers to you! You can do it!

[Hope67]

I mentioned how it's because when you only know trauma, your brain cannot comprehend things as traumatic. At least that's how it feels for me. There's no normal to compare to.

Hi Bermuda,
I think this is really insightful, and I relate to this very much.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I was no longer receiving feedback on my last three journal posts. I suppose I must have reached the limit. So, I've started this journal as a continuation. I think this journal will probably end up with a lot more drivel and less intrusive memories, because that's where I am at right now on my journey.

Actually there is no limit on Recovery Journals. You can write 35 pages if you like!

If you're not receiving feedback, it could be that there are fewer mbrs on the forum - it does vary here depending on each person's recovery process. It could also be that mbrs are reading but don't have the wherewithal to post, not even an emoticon. 

When I saw Overflow Journal I thought it might be your Journal of overflow feelings - for when things are really bad! I was wrong.

I haven't read the rest of your post, so please excuse me for not saying anything to that.

[Bermuda]

Thanks all for commenting. I like that my words resonate with others. Oh Blueberry, I hadn't thought of that, but no. It's not an overflow of emotions. Quite the opposite really.

Things have changed, real physical things that have put even further distance between myself and my past. I will be intentionally vague here, so pardon as I am working through it myself, but I am not mourning. I feel a sense of release. I know their real power over me is gone.

Somehow it's easier to live every day with my past when I know that it is really over. They cannot hurt me, they cannot come for me, no one will help them, no one believes them, they have no persuasion left. I could return to the country I come from if I wanted to, but I don't.

I could have at least a level of normalcy from the perspective of onlookers.

It still feels heavy, and I still feel afraid every day, I still have no sense of self, but at least I know that everything is changing and I can too without it being a detriment to my safety. 

[Armadillo]

Hi I'm not sure I was seeing your posts pop up in my unread feed!

I relate to what you wrote a lot. I was teased a lot for my voice or for appearing shy and scared even when I didn't know I was feeling that way. I also don't want to speak up, or be seen. I'm sorry your whole family teased you.

I think it's a great idea to get a voice coach, not to change your voice but to feel more confident in using what you have, however it shows up.

I don't know if it will resonate for you but I loved this TED talk by Amanda Gorman about using your voice...she's the young poet who spoke at Joe Biden's inauguration in the US. She has a speech impediment.  https://www.ted.com/talks/amanda_gorman_using_your_voice_is_a_political_choice/up-next?language=en

[Bermuda]

Thanks for commenting Armadillo. I did watch part of that video, but I had to stop.

Apparently poetry is triggering for me. What isn't?? I will laugh instead of cry this time. 

Memory time: I used to write, in secret. I even had some works published as a teenager. Language, oddly enough, has always been my passion. One of the things I was able to sneak away when I was kicked out were my binders. I kept them as a reminder to myself that what happened was real, and to remind myself to keep myself safe in a sense, to remind myself of the horrors. They were my most precious things. When I finally had a place to live, I had an ex boyfriend who got really angry and broke into my home. He stole my computer, took a hammer to the walls and to my furniture, and the worst of it I didn't realise until much later when I went to open my binders. He had replaced the pages with blank sheets.

It was hugely devistating at the time. Although, I hardly remember now any of my words I had memorised then, I clung to those words and thoughts like they would save me... But those words may have saved me for a time, but they would have imprisoned me now.

So, good job narcissistic ex. 

[Armadillo]

Oh wow. I really wish I could have known and been more sensitive to your trigger. It. Makes complete sense why that would be a trigger for you. Anyway my sentiment was simply that I think your voice is perfect as it is and I hope there comes a time when you can use it as you want.

[Hope67]

Hi Bermuda,
I read what you wrote about how your ex treated you.  I don't think he treated you well at all.  Unkind things. 
I hope you don't mind my saying that.

I agree with the sentiment expressed by Armadillo that I also hope you get to use your voice how you want to, and that you can express whatever you want to.
Hope