[Jazzy]

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about something I wrote a while ago. It is also related to parenting. Thanks for making the connection and working this out sub conscious mind!

Previously I wrote about not knowing what I thought/felt/believed about intervening with someone else raising their children because I was very conflicted about it but this morning I worked it out.

The most important thing to me is this:
Children are people too, and they deserve the rights and protections that everyone else gets, if not more.

Based on that, I now strongly believe that intervening on behalf of a child in a proper/healthy/legal manner is the best thing to do.

Likely the parent(s) won't like it very much and while that is quite understandable, I think it better to have an upset parent than a wounded child. Yes, I know that legal intervention can lead to a lot of hurt too. Unfortunately, sometimes it is a situation of "pick the lesser of the two evils". Hopefully a lot of intervention doesn't need to be so drastic.

Here's to a better world for all of us. 

[Armadillo]

I sure wish more people had intervened to help everyone here. I know I would have been better off if people had intervened and gotten us help.

[Jazzy]

Absolutely! I wished someone would save me as a child and sometimes I still do. I'm sorry no one was there to save you either, Armadillo.... but hey, here we are now, both doing much better! Now we can do what others failed to do, if it is healthy for us.

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Lots to talk about today! I'll try not to write a novel though.

I measure my physical health goals each Sunday (today is Sunday in my part of the world) and I was extremely encouraged by the results this week. Even though I haven't been jogging or walking, the tummy size is still going down, and the arm size is going up! I was a bit disappointed at first that it wasn't by much but then my sub conscious mind told me that I should adjust my scale. Inches is not an optimal scale for measuring weekly change; it's too much too fast. Thanks to this I switched to millimetres, and even though it is technically the same amount of loss/gain, those bigger numbers make me feel much more accomplished.

As a result of this, I am feeling much more secure and confident about my body. I have some scars and other blemishes from my childhood that I can't change but they serve as a reminder of what I've been through and show that I have a lot of character as a result. I'm also not in ideal shape but it's not too bad... and that's still a work in progress. Soon enough my looks will be much more to my liking.

Because of all of this, I was able to spend time outside today with a lot more of my body uncovered than I usually have. It felt great to get the fresh air and sunshine directly on my skin. Not only that, but my neighbours walked by, so I talked to them for a few minutes while not wearing a lot and it didn't bother me to have other people see me like that. I haven't written about this before but being ashamed of how I look is such a huge issue for me. It was so big that I didn't expect it would ever improve. I'm so happy to be wrong about that!

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TW: NEEDLES, SURGERY AND PAIN
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I also got my COVID vaccine shot today, which I was very nervous about. Not only because I had to go to an unfamiliar place to see unfamiliar people to inject an unfamiliar substance in to my body but also because I have a traumatic connection with needles. With all of that unfamiliarity, I was rather anxious, although not panic attack level of anxious.

I have mixed feelings about it being a muscle shot. I'll have to be careful with my strength training now, even if I don't have any other side effects. I don't do a lot of strength training, but what I do helps me feel very accomplished and energetic, so it will be challenging to miss that, even if it is for a day or two.

However, I'm very glad it wasn't an IV injection because I have a horrible memory of that. When I was a child, I had heart surgery. While it was good for me physically, it was another trauma on top of everything else. They had to break all of my ribs to get access to my heart. It was an extremely painful and difficult time in my life. Of course, such a surgery is done under anaesthesia, which is administered by IV. Anaesthesia like that doesn't feel good to begin with, at least to me, but even worse the nurse had a very difficult time getting the needle in to my vein. It took her stabbing me no less than 8 times to get it done. I've never fully recovered, needles and especially IV are still quite difficult for me mentally.

As difficult as the surgery was, it was also great. It was one of the only times in my life people showed me a lot of compassion, and actually seemed to care about how I was doing. I also got to get out of the dreaded house, which was more my prison than house. The doctors and nurses were especially nice. I don't think about it often but right now I am overwhelmingly happy to have that brief period of feeling normal, or at least loved.

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Okay, the tears are starting so I'm going to stop writing for now.   

[Armadillo]

Tears seem like a tremendously appropriate thing to have as you right something like what you just wrote. It's both so sweet that you were treated well during that period and have those fond memories and also wow extremely heart breaking. I hope you don't mind me saying so. That a period of recovering from painful to put it mildly surgery as a child you remember fondly because of the rarity of being treated well. If I let that sink in myself I would sob for you.

That's amazing that you got yourself the vaccine despite the trauma and fears and without a panic attack. Thank you for doing that and that's worth being really satisfied with yourself today.

That's huge about your success with the body image and staying outside less covered and talking to your neighbors. That gives me hope too.

[Jazzy]

Thank you for that validation and encouragement, Armadillo. It means a lot to me. I've never really thought about it like that. To have the highlight of my childhood be such a painful and difficult time because it was so rare for me to be treated well is very twisted. That's really messed up. I think I have a lot of processing to do about that still. I made a note to do that later because I'm not currently in the right place mentally for it. Thank you for pointing that out. I don't mind at all, I appreciate it!

I also need to be careful with my FOO.  I think I have a big blind spot for them because they're family and a loving family is what I want most of all.

I'm glad you have hope too! A thought that has gotten me through some very dark times is "As long as I'm breathing, there is still hope". I'm sure you can reach your goal so long as you put the effort in.

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Today has been interesting. This morning I started having dizzy spells which was a bit concerning. I thought it was a side effect of the shot yesterday and that it would pass soon, so I just started working through it. A while later my brother messaged me to ask how I was feeling and I told him my concerns. He looked it up and found it a side effect in about 10% of people and encouraged me to get help if it kept getting worse and to keep checking in with him. It's really great that we've been growing closer and he is showing concern for me like that.

It kept getting worse but something I told my brother was stuck in my sub conscious: "I've feinted plenty of times in my life and dizzy spells are always the first sign I recognize." ... that told me that it wasn't a new problem but an old problem. With that realization the memory kicked in that it was due to low blood sugar. I went and ate and started feeling better right away, which was a big relief. I even did a bit of a workout, though it wasn't as intense as normal, it was still encouraging and helpful to me. I've been so energetic since.

The reason I didn't recognize the symptoms of low blood sugar for so long is because in the past it was due to starvation but I've been eating a lot recently. However, last night I made myself some chili and this morning I made eggs for breakfast. Both of those meals are high in protein and vegetables but have no sugar and very few carbs. Thinking about it like that, it makes sense that I was low on sugar. This is quite the learning experience for me and its also very encouraging.

It tells me that I can make good tasting meals, at least to me, without sugar and carbs and that I can actually control my diet. That's a really awesome thing for me, it's like a dream come true. Of course, I will need to be more careful in the future to have a bit more sugar and more carbs to stay healthy. Which is really weird because I've always been taught sugar is the enemy. I know logically that I need some sugar and carbs for energy but changing my feelings on the topic is quite a different matter.

There's lots more I could write but I don't think the rest is super important right now. 

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I celebrate that you noticed your body signals and took steps to care for yourself.  This stands out as it is something I am working on too and it feels important.  Our body has so much information for us and it takes practice to listen.  I wish you well as you navigate your relationship to your body and finding what works for you.

[Armadillo]

Jazzy...I wish you had that loving family you deserve.

You're doing great noticing what your body needs and is telling you. Keep that up!

[Jazzy]

Thank you Rainydiary!

It's a very important thing to me too. You're right, it takes practice to listen, and practice to make changes too. Our body does have a lot of information for us, if we will only tune in to it. For me, this includes my sub conscious mind as well. I don't mean to brag, but I score on the high side of an IQ test. The reason I say that is because even with a high score, I'm now learning that my body and sub conscious mind are far more "intelligent" than my logic mind is.

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Thank you Armadillo!

Perhaps one day I will have a loving family beyond my siblings. "As long as I'm breathing, there is still hope".

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Thank you both for the encouragement and support and well wishes.