Panda's Journal

[Panda]

So... I haven't been here for a while.


Things have been relatively okay. My relationship is going very well, my wife and I have been together for 16 years now (our anniversary was in july) and we're continuously working on improving ourselves and our future together.


I'm also on the waiting list of several therapists and trying to go inpatient for indepth trauma therapy plus made two specialists appointments I should've made years ago, but better now than never.


Currently I'm working through a lot of trauma from my last stays in psychiatric hospitals, because the place where I was as a teen was... bad. Not overtly abusive, but incompetent.
And I feel like I have to make progress there because that trauma is the mayor thing keeping me from going inpatient. I live in a country with (almost) free healthcare, at worst there's a wait of a couple of months so I feel very priviledged but I feel like I'm currently not well equipped enough to handle being inpatient.


Hopefully I'll get there, though.

[marta1234]

Hi Panda, nice to see you here I'm very glad that you found your way with new therapy and are on many waiting lists. That's a big step! I'm very happy for you and your partner, being together for 16 years.
Sending you lots of support and a gentle hug if it's ok 

[Hope67]

Hi Panda,
I just wanted to say 'welcome back' - I realise I haven't said anything to you before, but I would like to say I have read some of your journal, and I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok 

I also think it's great that you and your wife have been together for 16 years - wishing you a belated Happy Anniversary for July.
Hope 

[Panda]

It's been a while again...


I don't know, I have so many things to say and so much I'd love to share here but opening up is... extremely hard. I'm sorry I just kinda drop in and out, I'd love to come here more but it's just... hard.


As for what's been going on in my life: I'm regularly in therapy with an actual trauma specialist which is amazing, I have a psychiatrist appointment in April because I can't handle certain symptoms, mostly the anxiety stuff, without medical help at the moment. Convincing myself to see a psychiatrist has been really hard. I've received meds in the psych ward I was in when I was 16 but they did nothing for me and gave me some longer-lasting side effects but I'm ready to try again now. I'm a bit scared but I hope it'll go alright.


My wife and I are having our ups and downs, she's starting to become aware that certain things that happened in her past have been traumatic as well plus well, nursing as a profession is very stressful at the moment even without directly dealing with covid patients.
But we're very much aware we want to be in this together and we're both working on better futures together so... it's alright. Plus, we love each other and support each other as much as we possibly can so we're dealing.


I'm doing so much more than I used to which is super hard for me and I feel tired all the time but it's great going from barely functional to slowly building up a life I'm happy with. I wish I'd gotten there sooner but better in my thirties than never.


Anyway, that's about where I'm at at the moment. Hope you're all doing alright

[Jazzy]

I know what you mean about it being difficult, and dropping in and out. I do that too. It's great you are making such an improvement in your life, even in these difficult times. Keep up the good work!

[Panda]

Thanks, Jazzy!


Soooo I had my first psychiatrist appointment in a decade and a half. It was a mess, I needed a referral from my primary care doctor and could only get it today due to insurance reasons so I had to do that before my actual appointment. Had to wait super long and if I hadn't had a ride to the psychiatrist I wouldn't have made it and this is despite calling in on Tuesday and very carefully mentioning I'd need that referral by 9 so I'd have enough time to make it.
At the psychiatrist's they told me I'd come in an hour late but I very vividly remember being told 10 am. Maybe their system messed up bc we only changed our clocks on Sunday but yeah, ofc that had me super super anxious.


The psychiatrist was super nice though, took a brief history of my mental health journey, was very mindful of not delving too deep but still getting the info he needed. Kept within my boundaries, made sure he knew what I needed which was super awesome.
Long story short, I've got a prescription for Opipramol, might have a different name in the US.


It's low dose, we'll ramp it up slowly and see if I need anything different. So yeah, I'm pretty happy with that went even if the journey to the appointment was... not great.

[Blue Rose]

Hello Panda, sorry it was so stressful getting to your appointment, but it sounds like it was really positive for you. I hope you find the medication helpful for your anxiety. Sending all best wishes.

[Panda]

So. Things. They happen.


I'm gonna have to either up my dose or change meds because while it was helpful during low level depression and anxiety, I'm currently dealing with a worsening mental state and was up until 3 am after having the highest dosage I'm allowed to take in a day. My sleep's been getting steadily worse for the past two weeks and hit pre-med state about four to five days ago. Not fun.
Took me a while to figure out what's going on, but I know it's another shard of trauma being processed. Sucks, but I will grow from this.


But! Unlike previous bad episodes, I realized quickly that things were getting bad, called my psychiatrist right up for an appointment took precautions to minimize the damage episodes can do. I have therapy next week, I've got simple meals planned out for the next week that just need popping into the oven or slow cooker, wife is informed and very supportive, we've worked out a list of everyday stuff I still gotta do despite being in a bad state, I couldn't get a psychiatrist appointment earlier than the end of next month but it's made.


So. Yeah. Damage control's in place, I still feel pretty bad but I know it'll pass, which I don't take for granted and is incredibly helpful.

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry things are getting rough right now and the sleep is suffering. That sets up a really tough cycle to deal with the challenges.

And I am also so impressed that you've been able to plan and put these measures in place. There's just so much awareness and care for yourself and wife and openness in what you are doing.