Panda's Journal

[Blueberry]

Panda, you are not selfish! Idk what else I can say except that I hear you.

[Panda]

Thank you, Blueberry. It helps 

[Not Alone]

I don't hear you as selfish at all. All of this is impacting you. It impacts everyone in different ways. You are worth paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and to have others hear you as well.

[Snowdrop]

I agree with the others, you're not being selfish at all.

[Panda]

Thank you everyone, it's very helpful to have an outside perspective on this!

So we've been informed of the results, thankfully her coworker does not have Covid 19. That could've gone very badly... I hope people take this as a reminder to be as careful as they can.

[sanmagic7]

hey, panda,

i think there's a difference between being selfish and self-ish.  taking care of ourselves, worrying about ourselves in unknown circumstances, wondering what it would mean for us and those closest to us to get sick all sound very self-ish to me.  i think we must all be self-ish during these times.  for example, our neighbors had an outdoor party, surprise party for their son,, and when she invited my d and me, she mentioned that he's missed so much this year (like his graduation) so she wanted to do something special for him.

well, i didn't hesitate in being self-ish, told her straightaway that i wouldn't be attending because i'm too vulnerable (i think everyone knows what that word means now), and my d said she wouldn't be coming, either because she didn't want to take any chances for me.  we sent a plate of cookies instead.  i'm sorry the kid missed out on a lot, but quite honestly, i can't let that turn me away from worrying about myself.  we watched some of the party, there were no masks, no soc. distancing, so, yeah, i'm glad to be self-ish, and had no qualms about it.

there will always be someone worse off than we are, but i believe we need to put ourselves first, always.  keep taking care of you - you are your first priority.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

It's good to hear the co-worker doesn't have covid. That must be a massive relief for you and your wife.

The self-ish san is talking about sounds like self-care to me, which is more important now than ever.

[Panda]

San, what you're saying makes a lot of sense, thank you for showing me a different perspective!


I hope your d wasn't too sad about missing out, it sounds like you folks definitely made the right choice though.


I struggle with that, putting myself first... hope it gets less hard some day. Thank you for the love and the hugs 


Blueberry, yeah, we're very relieved. Just hope things stay so calm here.

[Panda]

So...


with the possiblity of going into inpatient treatment again - in a proper specialized clinic this time - I'm completely freaking out. I am trying to be gentle with myself because given how my last inpatient stays went it's prefectly understandable, especially the parts of me still stuck at that time are terrified.


Oh yeah and the fact that I kind of understand that these parts apparently exist is... a lot. I always thought my traumata weren't severe enough or didn't start young enough but apparently that's a thing that my psyche does.
Also serves to show me how deep my denial goes, I started getting abused at two, if I'm being honest about it.


Anyway, those last few days I had started making a few connections to the outside world again but now I just feel like breaking all of that off again because it feels like too much. Like I don't have the energy and tbh I'm too scared.
I'm scared of being rejected when those people find out I'm going inpatient, in case of the people I don't know super well yet, I'm scared of them finding out about my mental health stuff and deciding I'm too much work or too flaky or whatever.


I long for community so bad but I just... I can't deal with it. I can't deal with people that don't carry trauma judging me for my coping mechanisms. I can't deal with those people demanding me to get better or demanding me to have energy I plain don't have. And I don't know how I am ever supposed to.


People that don't carry trauma are naive, often extremely ableist and take so much energy to talk to because they take every attempt to explain why I can't/won't be able to do something as an excuse and not the valid reason it's in 90% of cases. (I'm human, sometimes I really am just lazy)


And it sucks. I wanna live in that world too where not every minute of the day is colored by trauma. Where things are just easy for more than like, what, a day maybe? at a time.
And I won't, ever, of course, but it's just so much to deal with right now.

[Three Roses]

I struggle with that, putting myself first... hope it gets less hard some day. Thank you for the love and the hugs 

This is true for me, too. Instead of thinking of putting myself first - which tbh is just too overwhelming - I (try to) think of putting myself on equal footing. This helps make me feel more comfortable with self care.

I always thought my traumata weren't severe enough or didn't start young enough but apparently that's a thing that my psyche does.
Also serves to show me how deep my denial goes....

Again, me too. I think this comes from the minimization inherent in the abusive relationship. As if we need to meet some arbitrary measurements to qualify for compassion. 

[Jazzy]

Hi Panda, sorry to hear that you're feeling overwhelmed right now. Its perfectly understandable though. These things really are a lot to deal with. I agree with you about those who don't have their own trauma, they really have no idea how difficult it is, and how much work we actually do, just to keep going.

But its great to see that you've started on your healing journey. Sometimes it is really scary, and that's okay. Just do your best and keep on going! I'm confident that as you continue on your journey that things will improve for you. Not that the traumatic events will ever be gone, but they can become easier to deal with in time, when you have a good set of tools, and learn what works for yourself.

All the best!

[Not Alone]

And it sucks. I wanna live in that world too where not every minute of the day is colored by trauma. Where things are just easy for more than like, what, a day maybe? at a time.
And I won't, ever, of course, but it's just so much to deal with right now.

Me too!

[Panda]

This is belated, but thank you all for listening, it helps a lot to be heard!


-----------------


These last days were hard for me. I've slipped into a depressed rut just due to the general situation in the world and feeling kind of trapped in my home for Covid 19 reasons.
My diet is currently pretty bad, I've been coping by eating junk food way too much. Plus my wife is currently on vacation and struggles with food too so that was a bit of a recipe for disaster.


We've sat down and made a meal plan for the coming week which includes healthier versions of our favorite meals plus planned snacks as well, which we don't usually do, but I hope it helps a bit. I know I feel better when my diet includes less sugar and more fruit and veggies.


I've made a few healthy changes as well, such as starting up roleplaying again. I have always loved writing and it's a very expressive creative hobby that helps me interact with my emotions in healthier ways. Plus it also means I spent less time obsessively checking social media or numbing myself by playing video games too much.
I also find it helps me regain those verbal skills that CPTSD makes difficult to access at times.


I have this habit of disappearing of the roleplaying sites I use after a few months, usually when my depression/anxiety get worse again, but I'm hoping to prevent that burnout this time, only I'm not quite sure how to do that.
Usually what drives me away is a lack of emotional energy to engage with others plus imposter syndrom, feeling like all the stuff I come up with isn't good anymore.


Anyway, I just wanted to say... I'm slowly coming out of this depression ditch and improving. Plus, these phases get shorter and less deep and dark lately, which I think is pretty good.

[Three Roses]

I'm slowly coming out of this depression ditch and improving. Plus, these phases get shorter and less deep and dark lately, which I think is pretty good.

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear things are improving for you, and that you're actively taking steps to help that. I know what you mean about disappearing after a while. I do it quite a bit too, unfortunately. I've even taken breaks from here. I think its just feeling a lack of stability. Things change, and emotions get in the way. Anyway, hope that improves too! All the best.