So...
with the possiblity of going into inpatient treatment again - in a proper specialized clinic this time - I'm completely freaking out. I am trying to be gentle with myself because given how my last inpatient stays went it's prefectly understandable, especially the parts of me still stuck at that time are terrified.
Oh yeah and the fact that I kind of understand that these parts apparently exist is... a lot. I always thought my traumata weren't severe enough or didn't start young enough but apparently that's a thing that my psyche does.
Also serves to show me how deep my denial goes, I started getting abused at two, if I'm being honest about it.
Anyway, those last few days I had started making a few connections to the outside world again but now I just feel like breaking all of that off again because it feels like too much. Like I don't have the energy and tbh I'm too scared.
I'm scared of being rejected when those people find out I'm going inpatient, in case of the people I don't know super well yet, I'm scared of them finding out about my mental health stuff and deciding I'm too much work or too flaky or whatever.
I long for community so bad but I just... I can't deal with it. I can't deal with people that don't carry trauma judging me for my coping mechanisms. I can't deal with those people demanding me to get better or demanding me to have energy I plain don't have. And I don't know how I am ever supposed to.
People that don't carry trauma are naive, often extremely ableist and take so much energy to talk to because they take every attempt to explain why I can't/won't be able to do something as an excuse and not the valid reason it's in 90% of cases. (I'm human, sometimes I really am just lazy)
And it sucks. I wanna live in that world too where not every minute of the day is colored by trauma. Where things are just easy for more than like, what, a day maybe? at a time.
And I won't, ever, of course, but it's just so much to deal with right now.