Safety sensitive and keeping a safe distance.

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Safety sensitive and keeping a safe distance.
« on: April 05, 2021, 06:18:12 PM »
Hi all,

I havenít explored this board much before and Iím going to have a look after Iíve written this but I just wanted to post about my experience to make sense of what Iím thinking and feeling at the moment.

Iíve just had a bit of a revelation about how Iíve approached friendships over the years. I have lots of friends, some of who Iíve been friends with for over 20 years. Iíve never been that secure in their friendship and Iíve pretty much always felt (and put myself) on the outside.

After reading Ďraising a secure childí ( which I would highly recommend for any parents reading this) I realise that I am Ďsafety sensitiveí in relationships- this means I desperately  want to be close to people but Iím constantly on the look out for danger (i.e. being intruded upon, being abused and rejected). This sensitivity sets the scene and plays the background music to my life. In the book they call it shark music and suggest that when we notice it we can turn it down. Well Iím noticing it everywhere! 

Iíve realised that this is probably why I've always felt so on the outside as Iíve wanted to be close to friends but not too close that they might need me or overwhelm me. Iím constantly analysing whether I belong and whether Iím valued and liked. And also whether I like others.  Iíve also never wanted to end friendships because I want everyone to like me. As a result I have lots of people in my life who I donít feel very close to. This was fine in my 20s when my relationships revolved around partying but as I grown older and healthier I realise I want more from my relationships.

Over the past few years Iím beginning to learn to communicate my boundaries and show up more authentically, which has meant that Iíve not ended up  maintaining contact in some friendships. Iíve also moved about 2 hrs away from everyone I know. Part of me wants to try to forge closer bonds with the friends I already have and part of me thinks I should make new friends and have a fresh start. I guess in reality it might end up being a bit of both but right now I feel so lonely, lost and stuck. Covid really isnít helping and I feel like Iím in limbo between 2 worlds and two lives!

Thank you for reading this and hearing my experience- I just  wondered if this resonates with anyone else?

« Last Edit: April 05, 2021, 06:23:28 PM by CreativeCat »